God knows you need to look good

19 04 2011

In public speaking, presenters are encouraged to picture their venues, audience and themselves delivering their message. In addition to imagining these things, I also picture my accessories, shoes and what I’ll be wearing when I deliver a message.  Actually, it’s the first thing I imagine when I’ve accepted a speaking invitation.  Call me shallow, but knowing what to wear as a preacher who is also a woman can be tricky and fraught with criticism.

googling 'female preacher' yielded this image of Lyn Collins- contemporary of Bootsy collins in the 1970's funk scene. I neither condone nor endorse studded leather bodysuits or cleavage while preaching.

In two weeks I’ll be making the annual pilgrimage to Cedar Campus, InterVarsity’s training center in Michigan’s Upper Peninsula. Along the gorgeous shores of Lake Huron hundreds of students across the midwest come each Spring to meet with God at the end of their semester, receive training on how to lead Bible studies, share their faith, and make plans of how to engage the campus with the person of Jesus. In two weeks I’ll get to preach to about 300 of these students on ‘multi-ethnic witnessing communities’ out of Acts chapters 6-10.  I’m looking forward to what God will do in and through me during these weeks; for me personally and the students I’ve worked with over the past 10 years God often works in amazingly transformative ways at Cedar.

In many ways I consider myself fortunate to work for an interdenominational student ministry- dress code is pretty much skinny jeans and a hoodie. Though being 7 months pregnant when I preach, there will be nothing skinny about me or the things I choose to wear.  Which brings me to one of my minor anxieties about the week- I remember how judgmental I was as a student. I once completely tuned out a female speaker because she was wearing leggings, an embroidered sweatshirt, and flats- this was the mid-90′s and these trends hadn’t made the raging comeback they have today (save for the embroidered sweatshirt- those never go out of style!).

All I'd need to do is add the word 'Bible' above teacher & I'd have my uniform for the week! so hot.

I also know how easily it is to evaluate a female speaker from the moment you see her before she’s even spoken a word- simply on what she’s wearing.  Now, add to that being 7 months pregnant & feeling very much not like myself and you can see the dilemma I’m in. If you think I’m over-thinking this or being a bit narsissistic here are some real snippets of conversations I’ve had over the years with people on this topic:

  • A female minister is told that she shouldn’t wear heels when she preaches because they are too seductive. Emails are sent to the head pastor when she wears pants, and when she wears a skirt because either way someone sees what she’s wearing as inappropriate.
  • A male colleague argues with me after I offer to go shopping with another female colleague to help her decide what to wear when she presents at an international gathering of students. I am labeled ‘shallow’ and criticized for ‘conforming to this world.’ I am told that the content of what is preached is more important than what is worn & that content should be the only thing focused on.
  • After reviewing a video of a talk with an older, male preacher who had a lot of influence in my life he comments on the poncho (another forgone trend!) that I was wearing during the speaking engagement- “was the poncho to hide your female form?” he asks. I am left wondering if my female form is something to hide or be ashamed of.

Seems a little crazy right? Whether we like it or not, this is simply the way things are for preachers who are women. Rather than ignoring the fact that God created us as visual people and not considering the implications for when I preach, I’ve preferred to try and be savvy about this issue rather than seeing it as being shallow. As PeaceBang- blogger of Beauty Tips for Ministers says “because you’re in the public eye, and God knows you need to look good.”

crap! even burlap sacks to hide the female form are on the runway! what is a preacher to do!

Generally my philosophy on what to wear when preaching has been along these lines.

  • God loves who he created me to be- Genesis 1 says that God created mankind in his image; male and female he created them. and he called them good. I shouldn’t need to hide the fact that God chose to make me a woman under a poncho- God delights in the fact that in my female form I reflect his image! Women deal with enough issues about being able to accept themselves without needing to wonder- “does God want me to hide the fact that he gave me hips, breasts or a Beyonce booty as a preacher?”
  • Beauty is a gift from God. I’m not talking about nose, hip or unibrow size here- there is aesthetic enjoyment in seeing something well tended. Whether this is a garden, a home or a face- God has given these things to us to take care of. I don’t think applying mascara is damaging what God has made me in the same way that I don’t think painting a house ruins the natural wood.
  • Creativity is inspired by God. I enjoy fashion in the same way people enjoy other hobbies. Putting together an outfit, considering the colors, accessories and tone of what I want to wear is enjoyable to me. I love seeing how designers use their God-given talents to as artists create clothing or apply makeup in strikingly beautiful and creative ways. It’s an inspiring challenge to see what is in fashion & figure out how I can make it work for me.
  • Haters may hate, but I’m going to be me. All I can ever offer is who I am- this is true when I stand up to deliver a message to college students about the amazing love God has for them, or whether I’m sitting and playing with my son. Ultimately one needs to come to terms with what Paul wrote in Galatians 1:10: “Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.” Though I don’t think Paul was writing about whether I should wear heels or not when I preach, the point is that it’s about serving God with the gifts he’s given me rather than trying to please every person who has every stinkin’ opinion under the sun not only about what I’m wearing but what I actually have to say.

looking super awesome a few years ago while preaching at a student conference.

Which in the end- what I say is what I pray my audience will remember, long after they’ve forgotten the ponchos and embroidered sweatshirts. And hopefully, through the power of the Holy Spirit they won’t even remember who the messenger was, or what she was wearing but that through the message they experienced the love of Jesus.


Comments : 1 Comment »
Tags: , , , , ,
Categories : Uncategorized

when Jesus gets a lapdance

31 01 2011

Jesus often shows up in really unexpected places.  A strip club isn’t one you typically picture much “jesus talk.”  However, as I’ve been sharing about my experiences at Burning Man this past August to InterVarsity students and staff, I was reminded of one of the most bizarre and beautiful stories from my time in the desert.

One one of our last days at Burning Man, Nicole, one of the members of our group went to an ecstatic dance workshop.   All week Nicole and I had been talking about how the Holy Spirit often compels us to do unexpected things that challenge our trust in God and comfort in our willingness to share Jesus.   Wish granted. And then some.

During the ecstatic dance workshop, Nicole began to encounter the Holy Spirit and felt led to lift her hands in worship and declare her love for Jesus amongst the swirling, twirling burners who were “expressing themselves through evolving movement”.  As you can imagine, Nicole was nervous to start yelling about her love for Jesus, but having the indwelling presence of the Holy Spirit is a little like a spiritual laxative- you really can’t hold it in.

After the workshop ended, a woman urgently made a beeline towards Nicole- “were you the one talking about Jesus? I feel like Jesus has been pursuing me and I’m not quite sure what to do.”  Not only was Nicole surprised, she was thrilled that her willingness to take a risk meant that she could connect with someone who was curious about Jesus.  As they sat down under a bright, billowing canopy on the pillows strewn around the edge of the workshop tent, Dana began to share with her about her unconventional spiritual journey.

an ecstatic dance workshop at burning man

Working as a stripper in L.A., Dana had begun to wonder if Jesus was able to help her deal with a lot of difficult issues in her life.  She had begun to pray and seek help from Jesus in everything from giving her peace in her dream life to providing rent money.  ”A few months ago I was short $700 for my rent which was due the next day.” Dana began to share with Nicole how she had come into work on a Sunday needing her rent the next day.  ”Sunday is a slow day at the club & I was really stressed out that I wouldn’t make any money for my rent. Even though I had no idea how it would happen, I prayed that Jesus would provide the $700.”

As Nicole was recounting this story to me, incredulous, I interrupted her to ask- “how did you respond when she started to share this stuff with you?”  We evangelicals don’t often hear the words “prayer” and “strip club” in the same sentence.   Nicole smiled & laughed ”What could I say? I prayed that Jesus would give me an open mind and asked her to tell me more!”

Dana shared with her how over the night God had provided for her needs- her first customer gave her an unusually large tip, her second customer came in and thanked her for advice she had given him that had helped his health improve- and gave her a huge tip.  ”At this point, I was only $300 away from having my whole rent need! But the most amazing thing was the last guy who came in for the night- his name was Jesus!”  At this point I was trying to imagine the look on Nicole’s face as Dana told her that she had given a lapdance to a hispanic customer named Jesus.”Jesus gave me the last $300 I needed for my rent! It seems so clear how God was caring for me and gave me a sign that he wants to provide for me!”

Jesus isn't a distant God- every day he is seeking to provide for us, empower us to care for others and help us to love like he does. Will we respond to his presence?

As they prayed together and exchanged contact information, Nicole encouraged Dana to keep looking out for how Jesus (the Son of God, not the lapdance customer) was pursuing her. Since then she’s connected with other Christians and God willing is continuing to experience Jesus in both personal and unexpected ways.

Dana’s story reminded me just how often we forget that Jesus can reach anyone he wants to, wherever he wants to.  As Christians we can wrongly assume that the only place Jesus hangs out is in churches, Bible studies or places where Amy Grant is played on the radio.  He was always spending time with people that freaked out his disciples, like in John 4 where he essentially hangs out with a desperate housewife of Samaria. Even Jesus’ disciples are standing around asking themselves “why is Jesus hanging out with that kind of woman?”  God grant us boldness to take risks and love like Jesus!

On the flip side, I think for people who aren’t Jesus followers it can be tempting to dismiss spiritually significant experiences or conversations without pursuing what God might be trying to say.  God grant us openness to see where you are moving in our lives!


Comments : 11 Comments »
Tags: , , , ,
Categories : Uncategorized

why do you watch?

19 01 2011

What makes you want to watch something for more than 15 seconds? Certainly we’ve all become entranced in videos like these for reasons even I can’t explain:

One of the new things I’m doing this year is video blogs for my friends start-up company 30God.com. The idea is that many good-intending people who want to spend time with Jesus, growing their faith have a hard time picking up ye olde devotional.

a book, how quaint. you feel so different than my ipad.

Hence- 30 second video devotionals to help people think about God throughout the day. Easy, accessible to people while they’re taking a quick break and hopefully, a starting point to spending more time with Jesus or discovering what a relationship with him could be like.

Since the company just launched this month, I’ve had a few video blogs- my favorite is coming up next week (stay tuned! it involves a sleeping mask!)

I know there is tons of great stuff that people can watch online, and even though 30.God videos are only 30 seconds long, that’s 30 seconds you could be watching something else. (seriously did you watch the video above? How can I compete with kittens!)

What I’d love from you bloggy-friends is your feedback on the 30.God site- particularly what you like/dislike about the video blogs I’ve posted so far or what you’ve liked about posts from some of the other bloggers.  My biggest challenge has been how to be myself, record something though-provoking in 30 seconds, and make it look cool at the same time.  For those of you who know me outside of blog-ville, you know that I talk about faith in a pretty normal way and don’t take myself too seriously.  I’ve felt a little forced on the videos & am trying to figure out how to seem more natural and have fun.

So, here’s the link: 30God.com check out the site, go to my profile listed under “the team” with videos I’ve posted so far & post your comments back on this blog. Thanks for your feedback! Now where can I find a giant book about kittens & combine it with thoughts on Jesus? They do both have silky hair. At least in this picture.

c'mon, you know you wanna hang out with me.


Comments : 9 Comments »
Tags: , , ,
Categories : Uncategorized

when cheating just feels right

5 11 2010

Last night I made a decision to cheat- on my sabbatical. Though I’ve been given a year for academic leave, rest and reflection to hopefully help me continue a long career with InterVarsity, I’m beginning to feel a bit antsy.  On Wednesday Dave asked me if I’d be willing to help him teach on Ephesians 5 at the weekly student gathering at Case Western. For those of you not familiar with Ephesians 5- it contains some of the most controversial and misused scripture in the New Testament- “wives submit to your husbands, husbands love your wives.” He thought it would be a good idea for both of us to teach on this subject to hopefully demonstrate how this can actually look healthy in a marriage and how the scripture has been misused.

At first I was hesitant. “I am on sabbtical after all- I should be resting.” Resting as of late has been really difficult for me. I find that I enjoy life much more when I’m moving at a faster pace, am stimulated by new ideas and have a chance to put those ideas into practice. I finally agreed to team teach with him, but then tried to bail out twice. I was also pretty afraid that I’d lost my speaker mojo somehow, that it would be terrible and would confirm that I should just stay home and twiddle my thumbs feeling bored instead of going back to work in January.

my husband Dave teaching at Case earlier this year- we have rarely done team teaching and it felt great to deliver a message together.

The great thing was I was reminded that when I’m obedient to use all of who Jesus has made me to be; a woman, wife, mother, evangelist- he shows up. Not only to bless me, but to bless others. Getting up in front of those students to help them understand scripture and “live as a community of love” as we challenged them to do, felt AWESOME! It felt a little like getting back on a bike- a really sweet BMX bike that I could do killer tricks with. Jesus reminded me that all I need to do is show up and be willing to let him speak to others through me- and he does amazing things.

flying high- on Jesus juice!

I’d like to write a whole other post on what we shared- our opening question was “what was your earliest memory of gender?”  ”how does the word submit make you feel?” But I’ll save that for another day….

After the meeting, I was milling around chatting with students when an Asian woman named Gina* approached me. After a bit of small talk about how it was her first time at an InterVarsity meeting she begin to share- “what you said tonight made a lot of sense, I could really connect with it. I’ve been feeling so lost in life and even though I wear a cross and know about Jesus, I really want to feel like I have a connection with him every day. Can you tell me how I can have that?” At this point, I think my jaw dropped as I sent up a quick prayer. “yeah, I’d love to talk about that” as I motioned for us to sit down on the dorm style couches in the meeting room. As Gina shared about some of her struggles and longing to connect with God, my heart was filled with thankfulness that Jesus was giving me the gift of being able to help guide someone into a relationship with him. Gina and I prayed for Jesus to be the leader of her life- to help her know how to live in the way of love and to be part of a community that would help her to do that. The coolest thing was that her R.A., Anna was there with her. After we prayed, she introduced me to her R.A. and shared about the decision she had made. “Oh that’s so cool”, said  Anna, you are one of the people I’ve been praying for to come to InterVarsity! Yeah, we can totally talk more about connecting with God daily.”

InterVarsity students- learning how to live as a community of love...and wear crazy wigs.

As Dave and I grabbed our laptop bags and headed out into the rainy night, I was elated. Not only did it feel so right to “cheat” on my sabbatical and do what I normally do for work, Jesus gave me an opportunity to do one of the things that brings me the most joy and purpose in life- helping others to know who he is and how he can lead their lives. It was a great reminder of what we had shared that night- “make the most of everyday” because each day is a gift for us to make a difference in the lives of those around us.

*name changed for privacy.


Comments : 4 Comments »
Tags: , ,
Categories : inner world, jesus, spiritual conversations, Uncategorized

kitty hospice

19 04 2010

Our cat G.K. Chesterton, or “chester” for short has been acting a little out of it lately- not eating very much, sleeping a lot, even for a cat and throwing up. Today Dave called me on the way home from the vet and told me that Chester has cancer and will likely die this month.  I’m trying not to cry as I write this post (an am being thoroughly unsuccessful) and as much as I’d like to say “it’s just a cat”, I can’t.  Chester has purrrred his way into my heart and taught me too many things over the past 5 years to be “just a cat.”

we have always referred to chester as our "svelte supermodel" of a cat.

It’s funny that after crying, my first instinct was to write.  I really need to be studying right now but I know that I’ll just be too distracted thinking about chester’s last days, when he might die, if Dave will be away when he dies, how I’ll explain it to Reuben, if we should bury him in our backyard, if our already crazy other cat conan o’brian will become even more crazy in chester’s absence….and trying hard to think “it’s just a cat.”

chester with Dave when he first came home with us.

Dave used to do agricultural consulting before he joined staff with InterVarsity. His boss Cal turned a section of his barn into an office, complete with cubicles but with hay bales stacked up in the entryway and stray cats and dogs wandering around just outside of the room, because it was afterall a barn. Though my husband has TERRIBLE allergies, he has a soft spot in his heart for animals.  After seeing three grey kittens whom Cal had dubbed “smokey #1, #2 and #3″ Dave decided to surprise me by bringing one home. I do not come from a family of cat lovers, nor have I ever wanted to own a cat in my adult life and I was adamant about keeping smokey #2 who later became Chester in our garage. As you can imagine, that didn’t last long and he weaseled his way into our home after our vet said he needed to come inside and recuperate from a cold.  Once he came inside he never left.

Chester was a true barncat when he first came to live with us. He would scratch us and bite us whenever we tried to pick him up or pet him and then lick us incessantly when he did allow us to scratch his belly. He was terrified of stairs and rarely ate because he was used to catching mice and birds and other things outdoor kitties eat.  Even though I had scratch marks all over my hands and arms, before long I couldn’t resist entertaining him with a lazer pointer, string or other toys.  Eventually he mellowed out and learned to be a normal cat when we got conan, who had lived his whole life in the animal shelter and was used to being petted, eating out of a bowl and sleeping 12 hours out of the day. It wasn’t long until he learned that cuddling up next to us on a cold January night wasn’t so bad. He loved to curl up next to my belly when I was pregnant.

chester snuggling up to my big ol' preggers belly

I have had a love/hate relationship with my cats. I love how they entertain me, love to pet them and love seeing how Reuben has responded to them throughout his life.  I have hated all the hair, Chester stealing bacon and other sorts of food off our plates when we weren’t looking and the fact that friends with cat allergies feel unwelcome in our home because it’s miserable for them with the itchy eyes, runny noses and sneezing. I don’t like having do dose guests with zyrtec when they come over.

Having Chester the barn cat in my life has reminded me that nothing is unloveable and that with enough time, patience and meow mix anything can come around and open up to being loved. It’s reminded me of the simple truth of what it means to be  a Christian- those who follow Jesus go to the people and places that are regarded as unloveable, unwelcoming and painful with the belief that through the unstoppable love of Jesus, scars will be healed, hearts changed and communities created for people who have been stray cats.

kitty brothers chester & conan checking out the birds outside

So, however long Chester remains with us we’re making sure to run a kitty hospice and give him extra petting, put a little tuna in with his dry cat food, let him lounge outside in the sun with us while we play in the backyard and hope that the golf-ball sized tumor in his stomach doesn’t end his life painfully.


Comments : 6 Comments »
Tags: , ,
Categories : inner world, jesus, pets and animals, Uncategorized

rivers cuomo makes me cry

11 03 2010

I didn’t really care what other drivers were thinking as I blasted Weezer’s red album as I drove to meet my friend Ginny for dinner tonight. I didn’t mind if they saw me singing along at the top of my lungs and drumming on the steering wheel. I wasn’t concerned about who noticed when a few tears slid down my cheeks as I got caught up in the beauty and wonder of a timelessly moving three-chord progression.

I was listening to the song “The Angel and the One” which by lead singers River’s Cuomo’s admission is a “spiritual reverie.”    Call it tiredness from a long week of class, being hopped up on Jesus-good stuff from being taught by the director of the Billy Graham center, but this was a sneaky Jesus moment where he caught me off guard, and cracked my overly cautious heart open a little wider to be overwhelmed by his love.

The thing I love most about Jesus is he shows up in unexpected places in my life. He just shows up wherever he wants to and doesn’t seem to be bothered that it isn’t in “Jesus approved” places like church, Bible study or a prayer meeting.  He finds me in places I enjoy and places that mean a lot to me- running trails along Lake Huron, laughing with friends in a pub, listening to pop music that isn’t written about God but somehow connects with my deepest spiritual longings.  Have you ever felt this? Moments where you felt like you were connected to something bigger than yourself, or that you were profoundly grateful just to be alive and experience all that is good in life?

Listening to Rivers sing out his soul in this spiritual reverie I couldn’t help but be caught up in the song.  The words alone don’t do it justice but I couldn’t find it on youtube.

“there is another love that I would rather be obeying,

I see the ecstasy, and already I’m anticipating.

I feel a deeper peace, and that deeper peace is penetrating.

I’ve got the magic in me, I am complete is what I’m saying.

I’m flying up so high, my purple majesty displaying

I’ve reached a higher place that no one else can make a claim in

I’ll take you there my friend, I’m reaching out my hand so take it

We are the angels and we are the ones that are praying

Peace, shalom

Peace, shalom

Peace, peace.”

I went to blog this last night on the computer where I’m staying because I don’t have wireless- which is tremendously irritating! While I was waiting for the page to load on wordpress.com I saw this quote that I would have never stumbled across had I not been inconvenient by having to use (gasp!) dial-up.

“religion, like music, is not in need of defense but rendition” –Harry Emerson Fosdick

Hearing the words to a song like “The Angel and The One” and reading this quote reminds me of the deep longing in each of us that wants to connect with something bigger than ourselves.  We want to find peace. We want to be complete. And we want to experience these things with friends.

If I could have my wildest dreams come true and my biggest prayers answered it would be for the people I love to hear and believe a new rendition of the message of Jesus.  When I was thinking about these people in my life the image from Star Wars came to mind- the one where Han, Luke, Leia and Chewy are all trapped in that nasty garbage chute on the death star- you know, the one with the weird water snake thing, the one where the walls start closing in on them?

I feel like for many people who don’t know Jesus, or even people that are looking to religion to save them trying to see Jesus is like being in that Empire’s garbage chute.  All you can see is the garbage of the images, words or people that have misrepresented Jesus. It just all seems bad. Following Jesus or getting involved with “religion” seems like the walls of some cosmic trash chute closing in to crush any fun, joy or independent thought out of life.

Listening to Rivers sing inspires me to live and breath and speak a new rendition of the message of Jesus.  I hope this song carries on the wind loud and strong and clear from me and all the other people who follow him. I hope it causes people to look beyond the garbage and realize that because of Jesus it’s you and me and everyone in this world that can sing the song “I’ve reached a higher place that no one else can make a claim in I’ll take you there my friend, I’m reaching out my hand so take it”


Comments : 2 Comments »
Tags: , ,
Categories : inner world, jesus, pop culture, spirituality

you know you’re depressed when….

17 02 2010

you have an irrationally sad reaction to reading that Kevin Smith has been booted off a plane for being too fat. I’m a fan of Smith’s work- my faves being Dogma & Mallrats, but really- getting sad for a day knowing that he was publicly shamed and embarrassed about having to buy two seats on a plane and then having a tweet-fest about it is a little odd even for me.

as if it isn't bad enough dealing with weight issues on your own- imagine it being on NPR's website :(

I started to think about the other reasons I’ve been sad lately and how I’ve responded besides feeling ridiculous amounts of uncharacteristic empathy for Kevin Smith- things like: eating 1/2 a bag of Doritos (my go-to junk food of choice), sighing at the grey cloudy weather when at 8am Reuben asks me every day “is it the daytime?”, being angry and uncomfortable and stinky that my lactose intolerance has returned after a 2-year hiatus and a list of other things out of my control that I’ve reacted on a scale of “big-time jerk- to debbie downer” to when I realized- the book I just finished for one of my grad classes Searching for God Knows What

"this book made me terribly sad" isn't exactly the best endorsement- but I'd recommend reading it anyways

by Donald Miller made me tremendously sad. If any of my Wheaton cronies happen to read this post- I’d especially love to know what you thought/felt about the book if you’ve read it. The book is a wonderfully narrative picture of what a relationship with Jesus could be like and is like for Miller and many other people who follow Jesus.  It challenged the way I think about sharing my faith, the ways I talk about Jesus and how I pray.  But the worst part about this book was how it was like looking in a mirror and being horrified at all the ugliness reflected back at me.

Miller writes about the learning tool that many of us have pondered over in some sort of sociology lesson- “if there are 10 people in a lifeboat with X, Y and Z characteristics and you have to choose one to toss overboard, who would you choose?”  Basically, the question of “who has worth and value in our culture?”  He started to refer to this kind of thinking as being in the lifeboat & elaborated very eloquently & hilariously about the ways we try to find acceptance in other people, manage our images and secure love from others to “not get tossed out of the lifeboat.” The Kevin Smith article was just another reminder of the ways we judge one another & then how bent out of shape/hurt we are when we do this to one another.

Writing about it here in summary sounds trite, but the ideas (or perhaps the Holy Spirit) started to wear on me over the few days I read the book.  All the ways I manage my image- what I wear,

I almost bought this hat the other day- then I was worried people would think I was turning into a pimp. I will probably still buy it and chastise whoever dares to make pimp jokes about it.

what I say or don’t say, what I eat, what I write are all ways that I’m looking for people to in some way fawn all over my fabulousness/smartness/mad skillz. The sickest part of the book was the ways that religious people, in scripture and in culture today (including myself) do this- saying who is in and out, acceptable and not acceptable to God, what belief in Jesus looks like according to certain theologies/political agendas/morality. Pretty soon I/we get so caught up in all of this we forget that following Jesus is learning to love him and become more like him as we experience his friendship.  This was the thing that made me most depressed- to know that there are millions of people, people I love, people I don’t like, people I’ve never met that have a caricature of Jesus that has become so distorted by what I along with other Christians say and do that they don’t even want to experience knowing Jesus themselves.

No wonder I’ve been feeling depressed. However the best part of this book was the reminder that a friendship with Jesus isn’t about a list of what someone says you should or shouldn’t do- it’s the most mysterious, challenging, heart-pounding, thoroughly loving relationship you could ever have. It’s not a formula, it’s not a set of precepts- it’s an invitation to find out who God has created each of us to be and to actually become more human. I know that some people who may read this blog will have the caricature Jesus pop up in their minds after reading this last sentence.  The one you immediately associate with the cruel ways you were treated by people in a church/youth group/someone who claimed to follow Jesus.   They ways you associate Jesus with being demeaned, told you’re wrong, and not being “in the lifeboat.”  All I can say is I’m sorry. I’m so sorry that this was the Jesus you experienced and I’m sorry that I’m part of the problem. I pray that God himself would heal the wounds that I, along with so many others have caused because of my own self-focus.

Even in the midst of being depressed over my own brokenness and all the ways I see it play out in our obsession for affirmation everyday I was reminded of Jesus’ words about image management in the sermon on the mount in Matthew chapter 6.  In the verses before this Jesus is talking about how we don’t need to stress about what we’ll eat or what we’ll wear- that God cares for us and is able to provide for all of our needs- especially our need to be loved, affirmed and valued:

photo by lauren archer

“if God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers—most of which are never even seen—don’t you think he’ll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? What I’m trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God’s giving. People who don’t know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don’t worry about missing out. You’ll find all your everyday human concerns will be met. Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.”

It was a good reminder to me, and hopefully in some small way a reminder to you of God’s care for your life.  I want to be caught up in God-reality rather than image management. I’m praying that my caricatures of Jesus will fade away and that and you & I, blog lurkers and blog readers will see the beauty, mystery and love found in getting to know Jesus for who he actually is.


Comments : 2 Comments »
Tags: , , ,
Categories : books, fashion, grad school, inner world, jesus, spirituality

what i really want to tell you

2 09 2009

Do you ever find yourself thinking in facebook updates but not actually posting them?  I find it a funny way to encapsulate what I am feeling at any given moment.

Usually I self-censor because it would be inappropriate to share some of these things. Like when I’m angry, as in: “Jessica wishes that her husband would remember to put the car keys back where they belong. grrrr” With so many mutual friends, that just seems mean to write something like this as my status update & publicly berate my husband. And really isn’t that just so passive-aggressive? I can’t image a worse way to relate to your spouse or a friend than through mean passive aggressive status updates.

Or what about when I have a song stuck in my head as in: Jessica “feels like makin’ love”

I just can’t write that kind of a thing without having serious repercussions in my life! It  could just be too easily misconstrued and awkward even if I did feel like making love.  This is the difficulty on facebook of A: being in student ministry with people from lots of different religious backgrounds from conservative to very liberal. B: Having donors who support this ministry from lots of different religious backgrounds from conservative to very liberal. C: Having people from all the spheres of my life all mixed up like a confusing curry, some who know me better than others. Some who I’ve never even met before who are professional contacts.

So, If I posted a lyric from one of folk musician Gordon Lightfoot’s songs as my status update: Jessica is “livin’ on stew and drinkin’ bad whiskey.” what is a person from any of these spheres of life to think (assuming that anyone of these people actually read my blog)?:  I think: that is a hilarious lyric! Almost every one of Lightfoot’s songs has something about a lumberjack in it- who else writes genius stuff like this except Gordon Lightfoot?

Gordon Lightfoot was my first concert. Yeah, I grew up in the U.P. Boyz to Men didn't come up there.

Gordon Lightfoot was my first concert. Yeah, I grew up in the U.P. Boyz to Men didn't come up there.

Dave actually put this lyric as his status update awhile ago because we couldn’t stop laughing about it- except he changed whiskey to “root beer” because he’s friends with people who would either be offended by thinking that he drank whiskey, that would announce this fact, and would question his leadership in ministry if he did drink whiskey. It can just be too easily misconstrued by people who won’t bother to ask- “hey, if all you can afford is stew & bad whiskey do you want to come over for dinner? Do you need food stamps? Do you have a drinking problem? Do you have a stew problem?”

I was at a family potluck awhile ago & I brought up this dilemma with some of my cousins (facebook challenges,not my whiskey & stew problem). Their response was “I don’t care what people think of me. I’m just real and don’t try to hide who I am.”  I decided not to engage much further on this lest things get heated and the ham buns and jello start to fly.

Thankfully I’m not the only person to stress about how I’ll be construed by others. When Jesus began to send out his disciples to share about their faith he told them:

“Stay alert. This is hazardous work I’m assigning you. You’re going to be like sheep running through a wolf pack, so don’t call attention to yourselves. Be as cunning as a snake, inoffensive as a dove. ”Don’t be naive. Some people will impugn your motives, others will smear your reputation—just because you believe in me. Don’t be upset when they haul you before the civil authorities. Without knowing it, they’ve done you—and me—a favor, given you a platform for preaching the kingdom news! And don’t worry about what you’ll say or how you’ll say it. The right words will be there; the Spirit of your Father will supply the words.” Matthew 10:16-20

So, I’ll just have to be a snake-dove when it comes to posting on facebook, because you just never know when people will be haters.  I also hesitate posting status updates about my spiritual life, as in: Jessica can’t image a life more wonderful than a life lived for Jesus. Though I do actually believe this, I fear of isolating facebook friends who don’t, or being written off as a religious nut-job. Or even worse- seeming like some sort of a hypocrite to people who don’t follow Jesus or like I’m placating friends who share this belief that expect me to post things like this.  It gets tricky trying to be authentic.

What is a facebook status update that you “mentally posted” recently? What held you back from posting it?


Comments : 6 Comments »
Tags: , , , , ,
Categories : Uncategorized


Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.