the double-blessing: Life as a working mom

11 02 2011

While there are many challenges to being a working mom, there are a lot of great things that come with the territory.  Research such as Sally Heglesen’s book The Female Advantage cites that moms learn to have an integrated approach to work life and home life in being forced to be more resourceful with their time and energy. Heglesen writes: “Increasingly, motherhood is being recognized as an excellent school for managers, demanding many of the same skills:  organization, pacing, the balancing of conflicting claims, teaching, guiding, leading, monitoring, handling disturbances, imparting information.”

Though I haven’t’ yet read Heglesen’s book, a fellow working-mom colleague Anne Hong cited it in a paper she wrote on Issues of Leadership Development for Women in their 30′s which was recently posted on InterVarsity’s staff site. With Anne’s permission she’s made her paper available to any of my blog readers who want to read more on the topic beyond these posts. .IssuesofLeadershipDevelopmentforWomeninTheirThirties-1.12424

This week I’ve been away at meetings for my work with InterVarsity Christian Fellowship.  Spending time interviewing new staff candidates, making decision about how to reach more students in our region, and presenting my plans and ideas about how to grow evangelistic efforts and innovation feels like a worthwhile & life-giving investment though I’m away from home.  It also is a vast departure from how I spent my time last week watching Dinosaur Train, playing with play-doh, and helping my little guy recover from the flu.  Though there were various points last week I felt stressed about the work I wasn’t getting done because of Reuben being sick and Dave being away for work I remembered the words of Marcus Buckingham.

In Marcus Buckingham’s book Find Your Strongest Life: What the Happiest and Most Successful Women Do Differently one of his best points was to focus on the type of time you spend with your loved ones or kids rather than feeling guilty about the quantity. In other words, when you’re with your kids or (your husband) be present to them fully and make it a high quality time together.  Make memories and be present to your child whether you’re putting together a puzzle, playing at the playground or having an adventure building a snowman. I feel the worst about being a working mom is when I’m strapped for time or childcare and am unsuccessfully straddling checking emails on my iPhone while I make lunch for Reuben, reading staff applications between setting up train tracks for him to drive Thomas, James and Henry around, or taking phone calls while I ask him to play quietly (does this ever work like you think it does?) in the next room. Typically I am able to segregate my time well- when I’m not on the road attending meetings, speaking at chapters across our region, I leave the house with my laptop to inhabit the coffeehouse and get my work done.

Being a working mom the double blessing that I’ve realized over time is that if I’m able to have healthy boundaries I can spend quality time with Reuben and enjoy productive time with my job. While I’m outside the home working it feels like a refreshing break to put my mind, energy and creativity towards concrete, measurable goals that influence thousands of people. I love being with colleagues who challenge me, engage in thoughtful conversations and are working together for a purpose we all believe in.  When I’m away, I feel like I’m able to be in work mode and by the time the meeting ends I’m ready to go home and spend some quality time with my family. Being a working mom provides an opportunity to develop my skills and abilities, make a difference in the world and be refreshed intellectually, spiritually and professionally.

During my sabbatical I had the helpful realization that I’m a pressure-prompted, projects driven person. When I have a lot of time on my hands, I feel like I’m a bit aimless, get depressed and overwhelmed by the amount of options of how I could spend my day.  Dave actually forced me to go speak at an InterVarsity chapter during my sabbatical because he saw how much I was languishing not using my gifts of speaking and evangelism.  For whatever reason, God seems to have created me to enjoy juggling multiple roles, relationships and projects.  I think if I wasn’t working outside the home, I’d still want to fill my time with volunteer roles.  If I’d do this anyways I might as well get paid for it. Whether it is a 1/2 day or a multi-day trip for work I feel refreshed and ready to enter life back at home with Reuben, ready to play trains, read as many Curious George books as he requests and snuggle together while watching Despicable Me.

Reuben's latest favorite movie.

Fellow working moms, what are things that you enjoy about the double roles of managing life at home and at work? Last week I wrote about the challenges, but there are a lot of other things that are great about working and having a family.


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MLK’s students

18 01 2011

Why can’t more Christians be like Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.? Dr. King’s faith drove him to make courageous decisions because he believed that all people are made in the image of God.  It wasn’t simply tolerance he was aiming for, he preached about equality, hope and reconciliation.  Sadly, the picture that most people have today is that Christians are mostly the opposite of the Biblical virtues Dr. King embodied.

There are great leaders today who are following in Dr. Kings footsteps- Gary Haugen of the International Justice Mission is working internationally as a modern-day abolitionist to provide people basic human rights, freedom.  Haugen, also a Christian (and InterVarsity alumni) is living out his convictions in caring for child-sex slaves in the brothels of Thailand, forced laborers in Africa and unjust situations all over the world.

Dr. Brenda Salter-McNeil is an international speaker and leader working to ”produce inter-culturally competent leaders and communities on college campuses, in churches and in organizations around the world. We do this through a biblically based process that includes speaking, training, leadership development, diversity assessments, strategic planning, consulting and executive coaching.” Dr. McNeil has reached thousands of college students to help them understand how to live out the things Dr. King spoke about so many years ago.

I still remember Dr. McNeil's moving talk at Urbana 2000 on racial reconciliation.

Brenda and Gary are great examples of leaders working for justice today and are influential across the world.  Yet I find myself also thankful for the thousands of students I work with on campus who are seeking to live out Dr. King’s dream.  Recently, I attended InterVarsity’s national staff conference focused on “Campuses Renewed.”  One of the most moving videos that was shown was a clip about InterVarsity students at  St. Louis University who responded to racially motivated attacks and slurs on their campus.  It’s the choices these students made to care for their campus that continue to demonstrate what it means to live out the teachings of Jesus, whether or not they become as well-known as Dr. King, Gary or Brenda. Though there may not ever be another leader who is as influential as Dr. King, the small choices of many will continue to bring God’s kingdom of diversity, unity and love here on earth as it is in heaven.

 

 

 


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to transform a city- book review

14 01 2011

You know a book is going to be good when you tear-up reading the introduction.  Zondervan recently sent me “To Tranform A City: Whole Church, Whole Gospel, Whole City” to review as part of their church blog tour and from the introduction. I was eager to glean the inspiration and knowledge laid out by authors Eric Swanson and Sam Williams having moved to Cleveland only seven months ago.  In our move to Cleveland, Dave and I not only felt called to continue our work with InterVarsity Christian Fellowship, but to be part of a church and community that is at work as it says in the scripture in Jeremiah 29:  ”seek the peace, restoration and prosperity” to the city.

If you are passionate about seeing Jesus use you to transform your city- go to amazon & order yourself a copy.

As a person who both seeks to live and teach a holistic gospel, I was thankful for the message Swanson and Williams present “Jesus must transform your heart before he can begin to use you to transform a city” highlights both the need for personal and communal transformation that can only come from God.  Many times I work with students who are gung-ho to be activists and change the world yet the inner-work that Jesus must do to develop compassion, practice forgiveness and learn what it means to love isn’t as appealing. It takes time, can be painful and the results aren’t as concrete as seeing a bare food pantry stocked.

These guys also seem to be the type that you’d want to have at a party; not a lame church party where they only play CCM songs, serve watered down punch and day-old baked goods while people politely smile at each other- but a dancin’ in the streets with the neighbors while the smell of a pig roast wafts over crowds laughing, playing and doing life together.

fiesta for the city, fiesta for Jesus!

A key thread of this book is; in order to see a city transformed by God, you must love and be part of the city.  Whether this is caring for patients in an HIV/AIDS clinic, painting the walls of an elementary school whose funding has been cut, or providing help to Muslim immigrants to learn the public transportation system, find ESL classes and have families who help to welcome them into the community.  I also enjoyed that they provided examples of city transformation from across the world from several different leaders who have been both praying for and working to care for the needs of their cities.

If you’ve struggled to help others understand a vision for Jesus not simply working through the church as an establishment, but long to see people being what the church is intended to be- an agent of transformation in every sphere of life this book will help to cast a vision for what it can look like practically.

Jesus wept over the city of Jerusalem in his longing to see both people and systems transformed. How do you regard your city?

*I don’t get paid to blog about Zondervan books, I am however compensated by receiving a free copy of the book to review :)


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since I’ve been gone: an ode to InterVarsity staff

20 12 2010

I’ve been feeling reflective about what I’m most looking forward to when my sabbatical ends in 12 days. Top of my list: working with my colleagues. This goes out to all my InterVarsity peeps.

yes, we really enjoy being together with or without students around.

Your car is your office, or the campus coffee shop
Talking to freshman about Jesus- you’ll never stop.
20 appointments in one day, that’s just the beginning!
With work on the college campus, we see a heck of a lot of sinning!

Sitting in dorm rooms, student unions or a lounge
for colored pencils in manuscript bible study, you never need scrounge.
A prayer group, proxe station or large group meeting
the Holy Spirit gives you energy though at 11pm you feel tired with each greeting.

Student conflicts you mediate, teaching students students to lead well,
to reach their campus with Christ’s love instead of condemning people to hell.
Caring for skeptics, seekers and the disenfranchised,
Your supervisors pray and encourage you to see with Jesus’ eyes.

There’s more funds to raise, and donors to call
The Lord provides ministry partners and gifts big and small.
In letters and emails your community rejoice with you,
when students are transformed and campuses renewed.

I can’t wait to get back to the students and serve with you all,
Preaching the gospel on your campus- just give me a call.
You encourage me, challenge me and simply make me laugh
And this is why I’m eager to be back with my InterVarsity staff.

students talking to their peers using an interactive proxe station about sex to raise awareness about human trafficking

Can’t wait to see you all at National Staff Conference in January!!!

 


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front row seats for the battle of mammon

15 12 2010

Demons make people do crazy things. Things like trample a man to death to get a good deal on a plasma screen TV at Walmart on black friday. Things like make people go into crazy amounts of consumer debt to buy gifts and keep the illusion that they aren’t financially strapped this Christmas. Things like stealing to provide Christmas presents for young kids, things going poorly and getting the death sentence for accidentally killing a man.

Recently, I read this article by Christian activist Shane Claiborne

check out his book: Irresistible Revolution

that actually had me in tears. Citing the reality that there are dark forces in this world that are working to enslave, depress and deceive us, Claiborne writes that “Mammon (the demonic personification of money that Jesus gives a name to)… has many faces and disguises as we see possessions possess us with the obsession of heroin addiction and occupy us with the fanatacism of demonic occupation.”

Before you get weirded out and click off this blog to play angry birds, ask yourself: why would people trample a man to death to get a few dollars off of a TV? What is it that makes me obsessively check amazon.com for deals on things that I’d like? What is it that though I have enough makes me feel like tiny tim before Scrooge saved the day and brought in the giant goose? Is there something in this world that would make generally kind people do crazy things for money and stuff?

I do believe in the reality of demonic powers.  And because of my line of work as an evangelism consultant with InterVarsity Christian Fellowship, I often get a front row seat to the battle that goes on in hearts to follow God or follow the desire for money.  Because my job that requires me to fundraise 100% of our budget I get to ask people for money. This has been one of the best and worst parts of my life over the past 10 years.  The best because it has been the single most important way for me to remember that all I have is provided by God. It teaches me to trust him “for my daily bread” as scripture says. It teaches me the importance of being in community and inviting others to care for our needs.

It’s been the worst part because it is the single most gut-wrenching, pride-crushing, riding the waves of despair and thankfulness roller coaster over the past 10 years.  Amidst the worry that people will think I’m only calling them for money this December, the fear that I’ll be rejected, or that people won’t see the value in helping college students meet Jesus, I’m still grabbing my iPhone, opening up my contact list and pressing the send button.

It’s a battle that goes on in my heart and in the hearts of the people I invite to give: trust God to provide or trust myself? My temptation is to believe that even if we raise our full budget that we’ll be secure. Perhaps the battle of many of the people I call is to believe that God is able to provide for their needs, financial strains and shortfalls even if they do decide to give to our ministry. It’s the battle of mammon that goes on in my heart and theirs and the only remedy has been to pray, speak truth from scripture and believe that Jesus is more powerful than the demonically enslaving force of mammon.

money isn't bad- the problem is when it begins to rule our hearts, minds and habits and our world revolves around it. we become enslaved, rather than free as God intended us to be.

Why would I inflict this torture on myself?  I’ve become even more passionate about reaching the college campus during these past 10 years I’ve been with InterVarsity. When I read  studies in books like UnChristian or the recent article in Christianity Today called The Leavers: more than in previous generations 20 and 30 somethings are abandoning the faith it reminds me of how incredibly strategic our ministry is at shaping the world during the next decades through shaping the lives of college students. And though there might be a battle in my heart and mind every time I pick up the phone, it’s worth it. It’s worth it for college students to learn how to live in the freedom that only Jesus can give. It’s worth it to help students learn to trust Jesus with their time, money and resources while they’re still eating ramen noodles every day. It’s worth it because these students will be the ones who lead others into helping friends, colleagues and neighbors believe that there is more to life than climbing the corporate ladder, keeping up with the joneses and accumulating as much as you can before you die.

If you’re the praying type blog friend, please join me in praying that the peace of God would rule my heart this season.  Pray for others and yourself when you feel like you aren’t enough, don’t have enough and will never be enough. Speak truth to yourself when you feel despair. Pray for a thankful heart.


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If I was a rich girl….well I actually am

30 11 2010

I am 84.9% more wealthy than most people in the world.  I sleep at night without worrying that the roof will cave in on me.  I enjoy cold water from my refrigerator with no threat of parasites ravaging my intestines.  When my son broke his leg, it was a quick trip to the ER- 4.5 hours is quick you say?  Compared to most families that have to wait 2 weeks to see a doctor, watching Charlie Brown and eating ice cream while waiting for a doctor is a vacation compared to the healthcare that most people receive.

sad to see my little guy hurt, but we were so thankful that we have healthcare that covers the cost of his visit

I was thinking about my last post and I started to have this nagging feeling that it might be perceived that I was complaining, felt sad that I don’t make more money or want people to pity me, or some sort of scrooge who doesn’t like to give gifts.  This couldn’t be farther from the truth.  My friend Joyce and I were talking about the dilemma of materialism around the holidays and what a Jesus follower should do.  She shared this website with me which I found fascinating:

Check out Who Are The Joneses? to find out just where you sit in terms of global wealth.  Never mind if your name is actually Jones. Regarding these issues, It’s not enough just to be aware. We need to actually do something to help right the wrongs in this world.  I’m actually feeling pissed off enough about this issue that it makes me want to eat beans and rice all month to free up some cash to give to great organizations like The International Justice Mission.  However, there are better things to do than angrily eating beans and rice- things like giving and enjoy ing  purposeful gifts.

My sister-in-law is a research physician working to eradicate pediatric AIDS in Kenya.  She often brings home beautiful jewelry or bags made by women who are supporting their families who have been affected by AIDS.

100% of the income earned through sales is reinvested in the Workshop through which artisans benefit from employment, skills training and other forms of empowerment.

I always get compliments on these beautiful and unique baubles she gives me- so if you’d like to order some this season, check out Imani Workshops

If jewelry isn’t your thing go to Just Love Coffee to order coffee that is not only fair trade and helps farmers earn a just wage, but also supports orphans with a portion of the proceeds.  If you want to get really specific in helping, Just Love Coffee also enables families who are trying to adopt to have friends and family order coffee through their website & fundraise for their own adoptions. You can help my friends, The Joneses (no, not the joneses from above :) by ordering coffee on their behalf for their adoption of a special needs daughter at Oliva Jones.

If you want to give a gift domestically, check out World Vision’s Gift Catalogue and consider giving $25 to help get $150 of school supplies to kids who are in under-resourced classrooms.

Hope these resources help! One of the fun things about working with college students with InterVarsity Christian Fellowship is that I get to plant these ideas of radical generosity in their brains while they’re still eating ramen noodles.  It’s not only been awesome to see these students “get it” while they’re in college but begin to use their resources to care for the poor in the years after they graduate. May there be many more in the world like the 18-22 compassionate students I serve!

 


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when cheating just feels right

5 11 2010

Last night I made a decision to cheat- on my sabbatical. Though I’ve been given a year for academic leave, rest and reflection to hopefully help me continue a long career with InterVarsity, I’m beginning to feel a bit antsy.  On Wednesday Dave asked me if I’d be willing to help him teach on Ephesians 5 at the weekly student gathering at Case Western. For those of you not familiar with Ephesians 5- it contains some of the most controversial and misused scripture in the New Testament- “wives submit to your husbands, husbands love your wives.” He thought it would be a good idea for both of us to teach on this subject to hopefully demonstrate how this can actually look healthy in a marriage and how the scripture has been misused.

At first I was hesitant. “I am on sabbtical after all- I should be resting.” Resting as of late has been really difficult for me. I find that I enjoy life much more when I’m moving at a faster pace, am stimulated by new ideas and have a chance to put those ideas into practice. I finally agreed to team teach with him, but then tried to bail out twice. I was also pretty afraid that I’d lost my speaker mojo somehow, that it would be terrible and would confirm that I should just stay home and twiddle my thumbs feeling bored instead of going back to work in January.

my husband Dave teaching at Case earlier this year- we have rarely done team teaching and it felt great to deliver a message together.

The great thing was I was reminded that when I’m obedient to use all of who Jesus has made me to be; a woman, wife, mother, evangelist- he shows up. Not only to bless me, but to bless others. Getting up in front of those students to help them understand scripture and “live as a community of love” as we challenged them to do, felt AWESOME! It felt a little like getting back on a bike- a really sweet BMX bike that I could do killer tricks with. Jesus reminded me that all I need to do is show up and be willing to let him speak to others through me- and he does amazing things.

flying high- on Jesus juice!

I’d like to write a whole other post on what we shared- our opening question was “what was your earliest memory of gender?”  ”how does the word submit make you feel?” But I’ll save that for another day….

After the meeting, I was milling around chatting with students when an Asian woman named Gina* approached me. After a bit of small talk about how it was her first time at an InterVarsity meeting she begin to share- “what you said tonight made a lot of sense, I could really connect with it. I’ve been feeling so lost in life and even though I wear a cross and know about Jesus, I really want to feel like I have a connection with him every day. Can you tell me how I can have that?” At this point, I think my jaw dropped as I sent up a quick prayer. “yeah, I’d love to talk about that” as I motioned for us to sit down on the dorm style couches in the meeting room. As Gina shared about some of her struggles and longing to connect with God, my heart was filled with thankfulness that Jesus was giving me the gift of being able to help guide someone into a relationship with him. Gina and I prayed for Jesus to be the leader of her life- to help her know how to live in the way of love and to be part of a community that would help her to do that. The coolest thing was that her R.A., Anna was there with her. After we prayed, she introduced me to her R.A. and shared about the decision she had made. “Oh that’s so cool”, said  Anna, you are one of the people I’ve been praying for to come to InterVarsity! Yeah, we can totally talk more about connecting with God daily.”

InterVarsity students- learning how to live as a community of love...and wear crazy wigs.

As Dave and I grabbed our laptop bags and headed out into the rainy night, I was elated. Not only did it feel so right to “cheat” on my sabbatical and do what I normally do for work, Jesus gave me an opportunity to do one of the things that brings me the most joy and purpose in life- helping others to know who he is and how he can lead their lives. It was a great reminder of what we had shared that night- “make the most of everyday” because each day is a gift for us to make a difference in the lives of those around us.

*name changed for privacy.


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stay at home moms- the real rock stars

1 11 2010

Since Reuben was born in 2007, I have always worked. I love my job as an outreach consultant for InterVarsity Christian Fellowship and the thought of quitting entirely was enough for me to wrestle with whether or not I even wanted to have kids. Before having Reuben I would utter phrases such as “how can I travel from campus to campus and nurse a baby?! I don’t even know how that’s possible?!” I even felt mad at God for prompting me to do something other than ministry with college students; work that makes me feel joy, like I’m using my life purposefully and eating cheap college pizza with students late at night and muse about “what does it all mean? though I graduated from MSU 10 years ago.

the poison, er pizza of choice when I was in college.

Though I’ve been on academic leave with InterVarsity for 10 months, this fall has slowed to a considerably unhurried pace now that I’m done taking classes and am just completing writing projects. There are no more trips to take, no thousands of pages of reading to get through, no long hours sitting in class with stimulating conversations about faith and culture. It’s forced me to learn to be a different type of mom, and it’s been like a little window into what it’s like to be a stay at home mom without ever quitting my job. It’s increased my respect for and understanding of stay at home moms a lot more. Here are 5 things that impress me from my tiny window into their world (perhaps your world if you’re a SAHM!)

1. Stay at home moms are ridiculously creative. I read my friend Erin’s status update on facebook that she had made “real” garbage bags for her son’s toy garbage truck using plastic baggies filled with balled up paper. Her son was elated. My friend Sarah made a UPS costume for her son who was enthralled by their local delivery man and even asked if he could sleep over :) !

eco-conscious granola mom's prefer a recycling truck to a garbage truck

2. Stay at home mom’s are resourceful. Now that we’re down to one car (by choice) I haven’t had the option to run to the store to pick up ingredients for dinner if I don’t have something I need. It’s forced me to be more resourceful with what we have in our cupboards or go without.  My friend Mindy bikes everywhere with her son- to get Starbucks, to the library, just to get out of the house. Field trip/coffee break/exercise all in one! Another one of my mom friends Laura used stale old cornflakes for a topping on a casserole for dinner because she was out of breadcrumbs. Slightly gross in theory, probably delicious in reality. Stay at home mom’s figure out how to make it happen whatever “it” is.

3. Stay at home moms are workhorses. These last few months have been a foray into what having more traditional roles would be like. In general Dave and I are pretty egalitarian in our marriage; things like he cooks, cleans, changed poopy diapers, I mow the grass, try to unclog a sink, and learn how to patch a hole using plaster.  If you’re in a more traditional situation- the mom does a lot more work to make life run at home. I am super lazy when it comes to cleaning- I just don’t like doing it even though I love having a freshly scrubbed tub, clean dishes in the cupboard and vacuumed carpets without bits of cracker and dirt in them. Stay at home moms do this day after day, week after week only to have it get messy again after a day, an hour or 20 minutes. You can feel worthless after seeing all the hard work be erased so quickly, but SAHM’s keep at it to make sure their home is a place of rest and comfort for themselves and their families.

though they'd like to break their husbands neck for tracking in dirt on the newly washed floors, stay at home mom's keep at it.

4. Stay at home moms are patient. In learning how to become a different type of mother while being at home, I’ve realized that while working I intentionally had to carve out special time with Reuben. We would have adventures together at the zoo, McDonald’s or even just the playground even if I was dead tired after coming home from a trip. Since I haven’t been under pressure to write talks, hop in my car to travel from campus to campus or prepare for conference calls the urgency of carving out time hasn’t been necessary. Each day has been a slate of “what are we going to do?” I’ve realized that one of the best gifts I can give to Reuben while I don’t have urgent work things is patience to do what he wants whether that’s trapping a slug under a basket in our backyard or spending 45 minutes throwing stones in a stream on a walk. Stay at home moms do this every day- learn to attend to their kids and be patient with their agendas of play, fun and discovering the world since they don’t have to rush. Of course there are moms who don’t do this- but I know many stay at home moms who have learned the art of patient play’ hours of pretending to be a tow truck, tea parties with their daughters, puppet shows to entertain their babies. In those moments of play they are patiently telling their kids “your agenda is more important than mine right now”

5. Stay at home moms are totally underrated. I’m ashamed to admit it but there have been times in my life where I’ve looked down at stay at home mom’s, and for this I’m sorry. This was mostly before I had a child of my own because I didn’t realize how much work it is to raise a kid, manage a home and stay married. Now that I’ve had a peek into their lives it’s made me realize that how seldom it can be that a thank you is heard for night after night of meals, clean clothes folded and put away and genuine excitement for the scribbles on a paper that is supposed to be a robot…or a dog, wait, is that upside down?

who needs June Cleaver when there's so many different ways to be a SAHM?

Mad props to you stay at home moms. If I had a million dollars to make a commercial and air it on network television to say bravo, I would. This blog post will have to suffice to express my admiration for who you are, the brave choice you’ve made to invest in your families, homes and communities and that you keep doing it day after day. Though I’m eager to get back to work in January,  I’ll still be impressed by your creativity, resourcefulness, hard work and patience!


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Asian intimidator

26 10 2010

I’ve realized in the past year, that I am intimidated when I am with Asian people. I confessed this to my friend Joyce the other night (who is Asian) after we enjoyed some soup together and a round of the un-game- a Fick family and social worker favorite get to know you game. Somehow we got on the subject of social norms and overlooked etiquette cues when I blurted out; “this year I realized that Asian people intimidate me.”

we also talked about the team america Kim Jong Il song

Joyce, being a kind person who didn’t call me a racist and storm out of my house asked me what I meant. “well, I explained, I’m not embarrassed by much- crazy stories that don’t portray me in a favorable light, people making fun of me, inappropriate bodily noises, I usually can laugh with it. It’s the social cues thing- since Asian culture is a shame based culture, I’m always afraid that I’ll do something wrong or offensive and that the Asian folks I’m hanging out with won’t tell me because it would be shameful to shame me.” Hmmm, Joyce pondered, “but with black friends, they’d just come out and tell you what you were doing wrong, you’d have a laugh about it and then go back to doing whatever you were doing?”  yep. pretty much, in my experience.

I explained how at a wedding of a mutual friend this summer, who is Asian, there were mostly Asian guests. Dave and I had arrived a bit early since he was DJing the reception for them & Reuben was getting antsy from sitting in the church with us. So, I let him run around in the reception area, making sure he wasn’t bumping people, climbing on stuff or touching all the appetizers on the tray and then putting them back. As I looked around at the other guests, it was like a weird sixth sense of Asian mom disapproval for letting my son run around. No one said anything to me, but I still felt like I was getting silent stares of “don’t you know you shouldn’t let your son do that?” I was worried that it was also translating into “white parents let their kids run around like banshees at wedding receptions!” Joyce assured me that the Asian moms probably didn’t approve of Reuben’s rambunctiousness, but that I shouldn’t stress about it.

joyce and I, waaay back in the day at the BK lounge both on our way to upstate NY for Christmas.

Joyce assured me that she would tell me if I was eating dim sum incorrectly, was doing things that were inappropriate or shameful in situations and that she’d help me learn from the inevitable mistakes I’ll make in relating to people who are different than me ethnically. I hesitated to post this blog because in today’s culture it feels almost inappropriate to name how people are different from one another, it feels wrong to say that you feel intimidated by even small cross cultural blunders because we’re supposed to be beyond all that as a culture. We’re enlightened and stuff.  I don’t know that there’s that many safe places where people can talk about ethnicity- things they don’t understand, questions they have or things that they enjoy.  This has been one of the reasons I’ve enjoyed working for InterVarsity Christian Fellowship so much- the almost 50 year commitment to helping their students and staff not only value the diverse ways God has created his people, but helping all of us understand what scripture says about relating to people who are culturally and ethnically different. It may not be pretty at times, but wading through the embarrassments, conflict and shame are all part of learning to love who God has made each of us to be, and how he uses each culture to help us understand who he is.

 


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Categories : race issues

be our guest!

19 10 2010

I love throwing a good party. Add a punchbowl, some costumes and succulent meats to feast upon and it makes it all the better in the company of friends and strangers.  Recently I had the pleasure of hosting 13 members of InterVarsity’s regional leadership team that I serve with.  These are folks I’ve prayed with, made hiring decisions about where to place staff, shared life with and in general have greatly enjoyed being around for the past 10 years.  Each fall the meetings are held in Cleveland- typically I have to attend the meetings but since I’m on sabbatical, I had the get out of jail meeings card! So instead of spending hours reading over documents to prepare, sending emails about upcoming decisions and making the 5-hour trip to Cleveland from Grand Rapids, I got to take time to bake bread, a ginger-pear cheesecake and a carmel apple pie, boil up some homemade minestrone soup and dream about having my friends and colleagues enjoying a nice dinner together.

sadly, I forgot to take any other pictures of the evening!

Alan Hirsch, author of The Forgotten Ways wrote something like “if we took Jesus’ call to hospitality seriously we could literally eat our way into the kingdom of God.”  This is a man who takes Jesus’ invitation to party seriously. He has named his tastebuds. He was a little like a giddy leprechaun at Burning Man when I hung out with he & his wife there- sampling drinks, munching on jalepeno peppers atop sour cream & onion chips (really good combo btw!) and laughing over a glass of wine or rum or water. The things that happen over a meal are meant to be part of the normal Christian life- inviting people to share in the daily rhythms of life, the good things, the crappy things, the pass me more curry or mashed potatoes kinds of things. An invitation to a meal isn’t just a meal, it’s an invitation to be part of the most basic and enjoyable part of someone’s life.  So, if you’re ever in Cleveland and need a place to crash, a craving for blueberry pie or fresh baked bread, or just need a place to chill we’d love to have you!


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