Recently I got to train a bunch of noobs with InterVarsity- 25 first & second year staff eager to help students meet Jesus, work to renew the campus and participate in God’s work of developing world changers. It really is one of my favorite parts of my job-not only because what I teach and train them gets multiplied back on each of their campus but because new staff say things like: ”I can’t believe this is my job! I get paid to help students discover Jesus! ” Going into my 11th year with InterVarsity, like anything you’ve done for awhile, it can be easy to take things for granted. Like the fact that I can take my kids with me to work conferences. Or that the organization I work for is invested in me becoming a better leader and follower of Jesus. Or that there are hundreds of people who pray for our work and give sacrificially. Or that I get to see students lives changed on a regular basis. Or that I can take a Tuesday morning off to eat pancakes with my family because my work schedule is so flexible.

reuben & my colleagues kids enjoying some cupcakes at a staff conference.

Training the noobs reminded me of when I went through new staff training.  I remember feeling nervous and intimidated. For one, everyone was taller than me. That isn’t saying much because I’m only 5’4″ and everyone is usually taller than me. But for some reason, that was what intimidated me at the time.  Regardless, I sat down at the table, covered in pages of Ephesians manuscripts for bible study, packets of colored pencils scattered for us to use, I brought my a-game, wanting to seem competent, make really insightful comments, and catch on quickly to the training we were receiving.  The thing I didn’t expect was that the people in that room would become some of my closest friends over the next 10 years.

some of the new staff I got to spend time with- so fun! so teachable!

When Chris, a new staff stayed with us during fund development training a year ago, he asked “what are some of the things you’ve enjoyed about being on staff?” I saw Chris at the new staff training and as we were stirring non-dairy creamer into yet another cup of coffee he reminded me of my answer to his question; “I’ve enjoyed that when I go to work, I get to work with friends.”

with our friend Jeff Liou- we both came on staff in 2001 though now he's getting his PhD. Happily, we got to spend time with him recently when he spoke at an InterVarsity conference for Asian American students.

I’m hoping that not only will these new staff experience the transforming love of Jesus in their own lives and the lives of their students, but that they’ll look back years from now and realize that friendships were forged during new staff training between intense bible studies, vulnerable prayer times, and being drawn together into a bigger vision of what God has for the campus.

When Oz was first born, the delight of having a new baby was coupled with remembering the days of an infant and what that entails. Deciding to stay at the coffee shop to work for another hour, running out to the shop to pick up some bagels, or even having a family outing now needs to have nursing time factored in. The boob clock is always ticking. It puts a bit of a cramp on spontaneity. Or on getting much done for that matter.

Some of the most passionate posts I’ve seen on Facebook revolve around college sports, changes in the layout of Facebook and breastfeeding.  Recently one friend was incensed that while in the waiting room of the pediatrician, a mother was complaining about her engorged breasts because of her newborn baby. When asked if breastfeeding was helping, she replied, “no way, these (pointing to her chest) are only for my husband.”  On the other end of things are other moms I’m friends with who get their kids involved with demonstrations to support breastfeeding.

Though it can be inconvenient at times, I feel like it’s a small sacrifice to give Os the best nutrition I can and to bond with him. I’m thankful that I’m even physiologically able to do so. I know for many moms it just isn’t an option because of an injury, malnutrition, or fear of infecting their baby with HIV like so many of the moms and babies my sister-in-law, Rachel works with in Kenya. This fall I’ve been able to take Os with me on all my trips for work. The kid has been to Columbus, OH, Morgantown, WV, Madison, WI and Detroit, MI in his first 5 months of life.  When I’m sharing Jesus with students at interactive art and outreach booths I’m holding him in one arm, letting another staff or student hold him or letting him sleep in his stroller nearby. Though I might feel like I’m in boob jail some of the time, I’m hugely grateful to work for InterVarsity which bends over backwards to empower working moms. I’ve been blogging about 10 things I’ve learned with InterVarsity in 10 years and integration is one of the key things that I’ve learned.  Though much of our lives are segregated work/home, work/family, colleagues/friends I’m privledged to have a job where my life is fairly integrated.  As a mom that’s looked like bringing my nursing baby with me when I preach the gospel on campus. It’s meant throwing on a load of laundry when I take a break from writing a talk.  It’s meant being at a conference and teaching students how to share their faith and having a black light dance party with them all in the same day. Yes, my job is pretty rad.

with my colleague Stephanie and Baby Os at a student training conference this past October

Though it can feel crazy at times, I’m thankful for the opportunity to demonstrate that ministry doesn’t need to stop because one has kids.  Years before I became a mom, I was angry with God for the prospect of him leading me to have kids, thus ripping me away from doing a job I loved.  During a week in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan at InterVarsity’s training camp, Cedar Campus, I can remember talking to another staff member about my fear of having kids and resentment towards God. Wary of what life would look like with kids, I shared “I don’t even think it’s possible to breastfeed a baby and travel around to preach the gospel!”  She stared at me with a pained and perplexed expression and responded, “WHY do you think that God is out to get you?” Her question made me think for a long time why I saw kids as a burden rather than a blessing to my life and ministry. And why my view of God was so messed up.

Now I know that yes, you can breastfeed a baby and travel around to preach the gospel. You can if Jesus calls you to do so and gives you strength to do so. I hope that the women (and men) I minister to on campus will remember that crazy lady who brought her baby to their meetings and taught them about Jesus. That someday as they begin families they’ll have a mental picture that I didn’t have as a college student about what life can look like as a minister mom.

yes, I really wore that to go out. no it wasn't halloween.

What’s the best piece of advice you received while you were in college? What about afterwards that you wish you had known?

"there are days you feel so down all you can do is lay on the couch eating cheetos watching daytime soaps." -Woody Anderson, former InterVarsity staff and current professor of Theology

Granted there were some days that were genuinely painful- feeling the sting of students gossiping against my leadership, the anguish of receiving a nasty letter in the mail after a fundraising appointment advising me to “get a real job and stop asking for money”, or the crushing disappointment of seeing students I’ve invested in walk away from faith in Jesus or fall into sin that compromises their leadership. On the days I forced myself to get into my cerulean Rav4 and make the drive to Grand Valley State, I would cry out that God to give me the strength just to show up and do my job.

Though I’ve struggled with depression my whole life stories like Elijah’s from scripture has provided me insight and comfort that God uses people in-spite of themselves to carry out his purposes in the world.  Ruth Haley Barton’s book Invitation to Silence and Solitude has helped me tremendously through exploring the story of Elijah and how God meets him in the midst of his feelings of depression, failure and incompetence to follow God and do his work. Though God has used lots of things in my life to help me overcome depression (medication, therapy, exercise, prayer) this book has been one of the most formative in terms of how I see myself and God in light of his calling on my life to minister to college students.

Through the years I’ve learned that God doesn’t expect me to conjure up a false feeling of happiness, joy, excitement or confidence to do his work.  He knows how easily I forget the powerful ways he’s worked in my life and in the lives of others through my obedience to him. Like Elijah, regardless of how I feel, he is present, he is faithful and is able to use me even when I feel useless. In many ways, this is the essence of the gospel; that through Jesus God lifts us out of the miry pit of sin and despair to What has helped you in your profession to trust that God is working through you despite how you feel? Any books, practices or people that have helped to remind you of God’s ability to move in your life and work?

I'm saaaaailing away!

If you’re the praying type, pray that God would meet students during this week, that Dave & I would have energy and love to care for students, and that Reuben would have an awesome time with his grandma who is taking care of him during the week.

say ya to da U.P. eh! I can't wait to eat a pastie.

googling 'female preacher' yielded this image of Lyn Collins- contemporary of Bootsy collins in the 1970's funk scene. I neither condone nor endorse studded leather bodysuits or cleavage while preaching.

In two weeks I’ll be making the annual pilgrimage to Cedar Campus, InterVarsity’s training center in Michigan’s Upper Peninsula. Along the gorgeous shores of Lake Huron hundreds of students across the midwest come each Spring to meet with God at the end of their semester, receive training on how to lead Bible studies, share their faith, and make plans of how to engage the campus with the person of Jesus. In two weeks I’ll get to preach to about 300 of these students on ‘multi-ethnic witnessing communities’ out of Acts chapters 6-10.  I’m looking forward to what God will do in and through me during these weeks; for me personally and the students I’ve worked with over the past 10 years God often works in amazingly transformative ways at Cedar.

In many ways I consider myself fortunate to work for an interdenominational student ministry- dress code is pretty much skinny jeans and a hoodie. Though being 7 months pregnant when I preach, there will be nothing skinny about me or the things I choose to wear.  Which brings me to one of my minor anxieties about the week- I remember how judgmental I was as a student. I once completely tuned out a female speaker because she was wearing leggings, an embroidered sweatshirt, and flats- this was the mid-90′s and these trends hadn’t made the raging comeback they have today (save for the embroidered sweatshirt- those never go out of style!).

All I'd need to do is add the word 'Bible' above teacher & I'd have my uniform for the week! so hot.

I also know how easily it is to evaluate a female speaker from the moment you see her before she’s even spoken a word- simply on what she’s wearing.  Now, add to that being 7 months pregnant & feeling very much not like myself and you can see the dilemma I’m in. If you think I’m over-thinking this or being a bit narsissistic here are some real snippets of conversations I’ve had over the years with people on this topic:

• A female minister is told that she shouldn’t wear heels when she preaches because they are too seductive. Emails are sent to the head pastor when she wears pants, and when she wears a skirt because either way someone sees what she’s wearing as inappropriate.
• A male colleague argues with me after I offer to go shopping with another female colleague to help her decide what to wear when she presents at an international gathering of students. I am labeled ‘shallow’ and criticized for ‘conforming to this world.’ I am told that the content of what is preached is more important than what is worn & that content should be the only thing focused on.
• After reviewing a video of a talk with an older, male preacher who had a lot of influence in my life he comments on the poncho (another forgone trend!) that I was wearing during the speaking engagement- “was the poncho to hide your female form?” he asks. I am left wondering if my female form is something to hide or be ashamed of.

Seems a little crazy right? Whether we like it or not, this is simply the way things are for preachers who are women. Rather than ignoring the fact that God created us as visual people and not considering the implications for when I preach, I’ve preferred to try and be savvy about this issue rather than seeing it as being shallow. As PeaceBang- blogger of Beauty Tips for Ministers says “because you’re in the public eye, and God knows you need to look good.”

crap! even burlap sacks to hide the female form are on the runway! what is a preacher to do!

Generally my philosophy on what to wear when preaching has been along these lines.

• God loves who he created me to be- Genesis 1 says that God created mankind in his image; male and female he created them. and he called them good. I shouldn’t need to hide the fact that God chose to make me a woman under a poncho- God delights in the fact that in my female form I reflect his image! Women deal with enough issues about being able to accept themselves without needing to wonder- “does God want me to hide the fact that he gave me hips, breasts or a Beyonce booty as a preacher?”
• Beauty is a gift from God. I’m not talking about nose, hip or unibrow size here- there is aesthetic enjoyment in seeing something well tended. Whether this is a garden, a home or a face- God has given these things to us to take care of. I don’t think applying mascara is damaging what God has made me in the same way that I don’t think painting a house ruins the natural wood.
• Creativity is inspired by God. I enjoy fashion in the same way people enjoy other hobbies. Putting together an outfit, considering the colors, accessories and tone of what I want to wear is enjoyable to me. I love seeing how designers use their God-given talents to as artists create clothing or apply makeup in strikingly beautiful and creative ways. It’s an inspiring challenge to see what is in fashion & figure out how I can make it work for me.
• Haters may hate, but I’m going to be me. All I can ever offer is who I am- this is true when I stand up to deliver a message to college students about the amazing love God has for them, or whether I’m sitting and playing with my son. Ultimately one needs to come to terms with what Paul wrote in Galatians 1:10: “Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.” Though I don’t think Paul was writing about whether I should wear heels or not when I preach, the point is that it’s about serving God with the gifts he’s given me rather than trying to please every person who has every stinkin’ opinion under the sun not only about what I’m wearing but what I actually have to say.

looking super awesome a few years ago while preaching at a student conference.

Which in the end- what I say is what I pray my audience will remember, long after they’ve forgotten the ponchos and embroidered sweatshirts. And hopefully, through the power of the Holy Spirit they won’t even remember who the messenger was, or what she was wearing but that through the message they experienced the love of Jesus.

Say yah to da U.P. eh!

Recently my friend and colleague Grace spent a weekend in a lovely log cabin, tucked in the back of a generous person’s property, overlooking a stream and surrounded by woods. Though the two of us usually run the gamut conversationally from what’s happening in our respective jobs as regional coordinators with InterVarsity Christian Fellowship, to our kids, to what the latest celeb fashions are, to what we’re reading on blogs or in books, this weekend was set aside to spend some time in silent reflection, journaling, prayer and listening to what God might have to say to each of us. Bonus to not have to be woken up in the morning by our children and be able to enjoy coffee and omlets together!

When I saw that the cabin had a fireplace I envisioned sitting in the rocking chair, reading or journaling while letting my thoughts drift as I gazed into the dancing flames of a fire, I of course would successfully build.  Though it was a little damp that day, I gathered twigs for kindling, brought in logs from the stack outside the cabin to dry off a little and got the fire going in the late afternoon so we could enjoy it as the sun set.

yesss, perfect on a damp spring evening!

I got to work crumbling newspaper, building a web of twigs under the logs and strategically lighting the newspaper so that everything would catch, which it eventually did flaring up into yellow flames.  And then it flickered out. Repeat newspaper, twig web, log shifting. At least four more times. As I’m hunkering down sticking my head into the fireplace to try and help the back of the fire catch, I mumble an apology to Gracee for how loud I’ve been building the fire as she’s been silently journaling. With a slightly concerned look on her face, she simply remarks, “uh, no problem, it’s actually kind of fascinating watching you do this.”

At last the fire seems to catch. “Success!” I exclaim as I settle into the rocker with my book and mug of tea. “I’m impressed” Gracee nods as she looks up from her journal. “White girl skills!” I reply to my bi-racial friend who grew up in Detroit and once told me that she thought werewolves were simply a breed of wolves.

The logs burn for awhile, but all the time I’m thinking- “this fire looks like it’s about to go out any minute. Mother of pearl, I just want to sit here and enjoy it and now it looks like I’m going to have to get up every 10 minutes to stick in some more twigs, shift the logs and basically keep this thing going.”  And because it’s a silent prayer retreat I start asking, “Is there some deeper meaning here Lord, like, it takes continual effort to follow you or something like that?” Because when you’re on a silent retreat, you start wondering if there’s meaning in a splenda packet because you go expecting to hear from God. So when the fire starts to fizzle after about 20 minutes, burning the log only in one place I decided to concede, just let it go and look at those stupid ashes in the hearth reminding me of what a failure I’ve become at building fires. I eventually moved to another couch so I wouldn’t have to look at the charred logs.

stupid half-burned log.

Though in high school or even awhile into college I could successfully blaze it up with the right tools those skills seem long gone.  On our drive to the cabin, Grace and I talked about how when you get reconnected with someone or something from your past it can spark nostalgia and even an urgency to want to reconnect with who you once were or the things you once did.  In my fire fail, it made me think about all of the skills I’ve left behind in becoming who I am today. While there might be some sadness that I’m not a wilderness mom, I’ve traded those fire building skills by choosing to focus on a lot of other areas in my life that I’d rather see bursting into sparks and igniting into flames.

It’s thrilling to see a light dawn on a student who begins to realize how much God loves them and begins a relationship with Jesus. It’s amazing to see the spark of an idea of helping to raise awareness about and money for human trafficking on the college campus turn blaze across InterVarsity nationally to help students live out and speak about their faith in holistic ways.  It warms me to see my son’s eyes squinched up as he prays before meals, “God bless the food, bless the people in Japan whose houses got washed away and cars got washed away” after seeing video footage of the destruction in Japan.

Have you had any of those nostalgia moments recently? Where you wonder- how the heck did I change so much? Why the heck can’t I do these things I once was good at any more? How did you respond?

Next time I'm getting a duraflame log. Or just bringing my woodsy husband along.

As I did research, read her book and scoured online articles and websites I thought about themes on everyday justice that would connect most with students living in the affluent suburbs that border derelict Detroit; While cars and clothing might have been good choices for a school where students sport coach tennis shoes & drive Escalades but chocolate seemed like an easier thing to tackle in a 30 minute talk on why following Jesus means we should care about justice issues.

Check out Julie's book and website at: http://julieclawson.com/everyday-justice/

I started to dig a little to find out how purchasing one of my favorite sweet treats can be a choice for everyday justice.  I felt like Neo being sucked into the Matrix for the first time, without the creepy plug being inserted into the back of my neck- “you think you see the world correctly? Well, let me show you what’s actually going on…” I started to learn some things like:

• 43% of the world’s chocolate comes from the West African country of Ivory Coast.  Most of the cocoa beans are harvested by young boys between 12 and 16, some as young as 9.  These boys have been sold or tricked into slavery with the promise of a better life and supporting their family.  Stories like Brahima and Siaka’s are common:  ”Dote Coulibaly was waiting in Korhogo. He needed two boys to work on his cocoa and coffee farm. Coulibaly (COO-lee-baa-lee) said he bought Brahima and Siaka for $28 each, but the boys said he paid that much for both of them. Whatever the price, two days later they found themselves on his farm. ”When we arrived, he had not told us the whole story,” said Brahima. “He told us we would work only in the cocoa and coffee fields. But there were also cotton, yam, corn and rice fields. When you finish one field, you go to another and another.” Nearly half of the world’s cocoa beans come from Ivory Coast farms, some of which use boys like Brahima and Siaka who were sold or tricked into slavery to do the harvesting.”

Often boys are beaten if they can't carry the bags or spill cocoa beans.

• Americans spent $13 billion a year on chocolate- yet most of us, including myself had no idea where it came from or how it was produced (uhhh, I bought the twix at Walmart…?)
• Though the U.S. and international governments have been working to establish slave-free chocolate through initiatives created in 2001 like the Harkin-Engel protocol, little has been done in companies like Nestle, Hershey or Mars to actually comply with these protocols and eliminate slave-produced chocolates in their goal of doing so by 2005.

While over the past six years I have worked with InterVarsity Christian Fellowship staff and students to raise awareness about and funds to eliminate child sex slavery- I’ve realized the issue doesn’t stop there. Especially now as a mom I am horrified and angered to think that the bunnies and eggs I am stuffing my sons easter basket were produced by someone’s son or brother who was forced into slavery. The chocolate may melt in my mouth, but I still have blood on my hands.

As a Christian, I care about this issue and ending human trafficking at large because Christ’s love compels me to love my neighbor.  Thinking about the injustice and sacrifice of others makes me think about how to appropriately celebrate Easter this year, both commercially and spiritually.  The scripture in 2 Corinthians 5:11-21 especially hits home in thinking about both of these issues; “For Christ’s love compels us, because we are convinced that one died for all, and therefore all died.  And he died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who died for them and was raised again“

I seriously could not believe this was one of the images that came up when I searched "snickers" in google images.

Because God made a way to demonstrate love and freedom for me through Jesus, how can I do anything but demonstrate this same love for others?

Practically one of the ways you can live out everyday justice regardless of your spirituality or motivations is to use your cash.  There are great companies that provide fair-trade chocolates especially for Easter.  Since I really am a sucker for advertising, I was thrilled to realize many products are also cute & kid-friendly.

I thought this was a cute twist on the traditional basket.

The Natural Candy store, a mom & sister store has a lot of cute items for Easter that are fair-trade, organic and in many cases allergen-free, including the cute item pictured above.

Divine chocolate is co-owned by cocoa farmers and uses fair-trade practices.

Divine Chocolate also has some fun Easter themed candies, like one of my personal faves- the crunchy speckled eggs that you can order through their website or purchase at Whole Foods.  Divine has a cool story & their website is worth checking out to see some of the great things that are being done to change the chocolate industry.  Though it may be something small like spending less on Easter Candy at Target, it really does feel great to know you can be part of changing the chocolate industry, savor the chocolate as it melts in your mouth, and know that you are creating a better future for others.

If I’m short a cup of sugar mid-bake, I’ll ask Dave to go next door to ask for some sugar or just go to the store to buy it myself.  I still feel like I’m inconveniencing people asking for a ride somewhere now that we have decided to be a one-car family. I mentally stack up what favors I can do with friends if they agree to watch Reuben if I need some extra time to work to go to an appointment.  Since moving to Ohio, I’ve had to learn to ask for a lot more help, often from people I don’t know that well.

Recently Dave and I have experienced an outpouring of love and help from friends to want to bless our marriage.  Thanks to some of our donors who had attended a family life marriage conference and gifted passes to the family life marriage conference to all the missionaries they support, we just needed to pick a location and pack our bags. We were supposed to go this fall to glamorous Pittsburgh, but because of a few circumstances we ended up having to cancel the trip and reschedule to attend the conference here in Cleveland this month.  As the months have drawn out and more unexpected (and seemingly unethical) come from our rental management company in Michigan it became clear that though we only needed to pay for lodging for the conference, it was going to be impossible for us to afford it.

I kept having a sinking feeling in my gut that this weekend which was supposed to be about getting away to have space to enjoy one another, talk, learn how to continue to strengthen our marriage getting away just wasn’t going to happen.  We were going to need to stay in our house, with my in-laws there to watch Reuben- a very gracious offer from them that we’re thankful for.  However, when you think “romantic get-away”, you typically don’t picture that including your in-laws as wonderful as they might be . Scenes from the movie As Good As it Gets kept running through my mind with Helen Hunt, the stressed out waitress sinking in bills for her son’s asthma treatments agreeing just to go out of town with Jack Nicklson’s despised character because it would get her out of the city on a break- not ideal but still better than nothing. I began to adpot Helen’s attitude of “There is still plenty to be thankful for even if it isn’t ideal.”

I thought Greg Kinnear stole the show in this movie! I'd still recommend this movie to youngsters who were still in preschool when this movie came out in 1997.

Though new moms are often blessed by weeks of scheduled meal deliveries from church members, the elderly or invalids can expect visits from church people at scheduled times during the week, or homeless men staying at a shelter can expect someone driving a church van to pick them up on Sunday mornings, an un-programmed, unofficial request for help is far more difficult to ask for.

I’m thankful that Dave is far more resourceful and humble than me because I wasn’t willing to ask for help and was just going to deal with it. He sent out an email explaining the drama to  friends and colleagues asking them to help care for our marriage by providing a place to stay or to help cover the cost of the hotel.  Though it still made me uncomfortable to have him ask on our behalf, I’m so grateful he did. As people have not only willingly but gladly respond to his request I was struck by how God has used our community to care for us.  Though sometimes I am frustrated with the institution of church, this was a reminder that church is a community who is seeking to demonstrate God’s love to others. Sometimes, part of experiencing love is letting people know how they can care for you. Sometimes it’s realizing that it really would be better to make your needs known to others as scary as it is, rather than be silent & just try to muscle through.

I think it’s likely that far more of us would feel cared for and less isolated if we were willing to suck it up in all our various cultural and temperamental foibles to invite others into the difficult and painful places in our lives. It’s often in these places where Christians can and do demonstrate their love for God and others. And I’m thankful for the ways that this love has been demonstrated to us.

Sometimes I like to picture Jesus wearing Ron Burgandy's jacket giving me & my friends free hugs.

where would you rather be?

Our move to Cleveland was in many ways been an experience of stepping out of our own comfortable nautical vessel- being near family, having a secure funding network in a job that requires us to raise 100% of our support (Grand Rapids consistently ranks high among charitible giving across U.S. cities), and all the other comforts that living in one place for 10 years affords.  It took us two years of praying about moving to Cleveland to finally pack up the u-haul, or what was actually a trade show trailer from a deer farm (thanks C.J. & Adrian!) and get our butts to the shores of Lake Erie.

As we consistently sensed Jesus inviting us to trust him that Cleveland was the land he wanted us to go to-  we started joking that we shouldn’t imagine Cleveland as the promised land. We joked that just because Jesus was inviting us to put down roots, buy a house, make some more babies and get involved in the community didn’t mean it would be without challenges.  I know the worlds “cleveland” and “promised land” seem like oxymorons, but to us trusting and believing that God wants good things for us even if they seem strange was a risk we wanted to take. Funny that we should use those words “promised land” because in some ways it has felt more like being an desert-wandering Israelite.

are we there yet?

Ironically, Velocity- the  church we’ve gotten involved with has been studying the exodus of the Israelites from Egypt, their wandering in the desert and the scouting out of the promised land.  As our small group studied Numbers 13 recently  I was struck that though the Israelites they had seen the good things God had for them when they reached the promised land- the amazingly beautiful and fertile land, the giant clusters of grapes and lush pomegranates, (which must have looked really good after eating manna in the desert for 40 years) that there were only two people who thought they could actually enter it. Joshua and Caleb were the only leaders who believed that though they would have to fight for the land, it was worth it because God was with them. I don’t know if the other Israelites thought they’d waltz in, plop down some pink lawn flamingos and be sipping mai tai’s but when they realized that taking possession of the land and promises of God would actually be difficult and cost them something- their lives, their comfort, the work of cultivating the land they freaked out and spent many more years wandering in the desert.

Though we had called Cleveland “the promised land”, our fears about what this move would cost us have been real. Difficulty renting/selling our MI house, lack of relational networks and losing funding were all huge barriers that we weighed whether we should move. And all of those fears have been realized and all have been really difficult and scary.  There are days when the stress of the bills for paying for two mortgages and for the cost to get our MI house rent-ready amount to pity parties about the things I don’t have, anger about why things are more difficult than I thought they’d be, and depression that there doesn’t really seem like a clear end in sight.

why do so many of us think that this is what following Jesus will be like?

Somehow in the midst of this when I do spend time in scripture being reminded of who God says he is, what he is able to do and that he’s with me through all of these things. I remember that when I feel like I’m drowning in worry, the $600 bill of our furnace in MI breaking, or just missing my friends, Jesus extends his hand to me to lead, guide and reassure me that he is present. Out of the boat living feels crazy because it’s made us need to trust Jesus in new ways to provide for, to be present in our lives and to trust that he really has us here for the good things he promises to all his people.