Lampost at Narnia? Nope, just the garden of the home I get to write in.

I felt super grateful for the quiet space overlooking the woods on a cool day to kick this adventure off.  The month before as I was roaming the woods among the bluebells, ferns and riverbank on a retreat of silence, I could feel the envy for the beautiful home & lush property creeping up in my heart as I began to imagine “someday all of this will be mine!” (insert maniacal laugh & hand wringing as I pictured becoming a best-selling author and having my own wooded riverbank home) So messed up right? In that moment, I sensed Jesus saying to me- “why do you feel like you need to own something to enjoy it? I’m blessing you with a friend who is willing to open their home to you- be grateful.”

It’s moments like that that I know that Jesus is real and active in my life- when my mind starts to spin a web of selfishness, envy and discontent when I should be enjoying the gifts in front of me. He gently speaks into that to remind me that- “nope, community is where it’s at- I’ve given all kinds of gifts to my kids and you are meant to share and enjoy them with one another.” So, thankfully instead of a bitter heart that I don’t own a fabulous, quiet (i.e. baby and preschool noise free) home overlooking a body of water, I was able to receive what Jesus wanted to give me that day- being grateful for the hospitality of a friend as I kicked off my writing project.

I was able to crack out a draft of the first chapter, begin on my bio & why I’m passionate about the project, and outline what 3 of the 10 chapters are going to be about. Not bad for a first day. On the way home I stopped at the polo fields near the home I was writing at (yes, she lives near POLO fields). the Chagrin river winds it’s way next to the fields & I wanted to stop just to enjoy a bit more silence before entering back home.  It had rained the day before so the banks were muddy and the water was a frothy chocolate-milk brown.  I stood on the banks & saw a crimson male & female cardinal bobbing through the brush. I thought of my friend Gina- a spiritual person who once told me that every time she saw a cardinal she took it as a sign that God was near her and watching over her.  It certainly felt like it that day as my heart was overwhelmed with gratitude as I drove home savoring the sight of the rush of the river &  the flitting cardinals. One small reminder that God is always present.

why hello there pretty lady bird…..

git r' done!

So- what am I going to do? I’m going to take the next 60 days to work on a book I’ve been calling Stones Over Water- about how Jesus shapes his witnesses in times of solitude and sharing the gospel. I’m going to focus on themes of the spiritual significance of water in scripture and in my own life. I’m a Great Lakes girl after all & there have been divine moments in my life watching a sunset over a glistening Lake Michigan, seeing the violent waves crash against the shores of Lake Superior or hearing the roar of shallow Lake Erie.  Because it makes the most sense I’m going to work on a submission to InterVarsity Press which includes:

• 3 chapters
• A cover letter describing the book and my passion for the project
• research on similar books on the market
• an outline for the book and approximate length.

I’m psyched, I’m scared, I’m bursting with joy to finally have a project to channel my ideas into. I really feel like it wasn’t until now that Jesus gave me release to write a book. And now, I feel like it will be straight up disobeying him and wasting what he’s given me if I don’t get my butt in the chair, put fingers to keyboard & let the words flow. So what could I use your help with? For one, I’d love some encouragement- words of affirmation are one of the ways I feel most cared for. I started this blog to interact with people about ideas & would really love your feedback or even just a short comment of “way to go!” or “that sucks” on the inevitable rough days where I’ll feel like every sentence I write is trash.

Tomorrow is my first writing day & my spiritual director has wonderfully offered to let me use her home during a writing day. Overlooking a river, in the woods surrounded by cozy furniture and really good Republic of Tea Coconut Cocoa tea I feel inspired just being in her home. I’ll post how things are going each week & invite you into the experience of what it’s like trying to get a book proposal done in 60 days- the good, the bad, and the ugly. Wish me luck friends!

Guest post from my friend and fellow-lover of nail polish Kathy Khang. Check out her blog at http://morethanservingtea.wordpress.com/

And when life slows I can breathe, pray, think and reflect.

Tonight I’m thinking a lot about leadership – the privilege, the joys and the costs. In a matter of a week’s time I saw how God was using me to develop a new generation of leaders (Pacific Northwest Asian American InterVarsity students, YOU ARE AMAZING!) and how God was still buffing and shining the rough edges of my leadership. There were moments of fear and confidence, of joy and anger, of front-door leadership like “fill in the blank with a Biblical patriarch) and back-door influence (Ruth, Esther, Mary, the Samaritan woman, the bleeding woman, the servant girl, etc.).

All while rocking lavender nail polish (last week’s color), telling funny family stories about rice cookers and kimchee refrigerator, and wearing a bra, which apparently is still enough of a novelty that as I head into the final week before I speak on leadership fails at the Asian Pacific Islander Women’s Leadership Conference next week, I reminding myself of how important it is to remember God created me and knew me before I was even born as 1.75-gen Korean American Christian woman, let alone a wife, mother of three, writer, speaker, yoga junkie and nail polish addict.

Gender or ethnicity doesn’t trump my identity as a Christian, but they are integrated, enmeshed in blessed and God-ordained ways and in broken and needing Jesus’ redemption ways, because Christians are not meant to be eunuchs. Embodied. Gendered. Which for me means wearing a bra and the great option of many nail polish colors. My seasons or micro-seasons of leadership are acutely tied to my physical state – pregnant, post-partum, nursing, PMS, exhausted from the gift and plain old work of raising children, peri-menopausal, and all of that is tied to my gender. And my embodied, gendered life is also wrapped and engrained with the values and mores of my Korean ancestors with a clashing or enhancing palette from my American host. How can that not affect, change, impact, enhance, and challenge my ability to lead?

It does. It’s not all negative, and I’m not surprised…unless I meet and talk with someone who has never considered her/his leadership through their cultural/racial/gendered lens.

What lessons have you learned about leadership, your own and that of others as well as how you are perceived and how you perceive others? Need some time to think? Do your nails.

Reblogged from Sidewalk Theologian:

• 
• 

Being outdoors is one of the ways I often most experience God.  Nothing is expected of me as I observe the fuzzy red buds that have fallen to the ground as maple trees pop out their tiny green leaves. I can simply enjoy the smell of a cold stream carrying along the debris of decaying leaves, rainwater and dirt. It feels like a miracle, albeit ordinary seeing purple hyacinths sprout out of the somewhat still frozen ground and bloom into rich fragrant blossoms whose smell is carried along in the windy April days.

Read more… 424 more words

Happy (groaning) Earth Day! though I wrote this post in 2011, I thought I would repost it for those who hadn't read it yet.

Lent is supposed to be a time to sacrifice something in life to help you refocus attention on God. Rather than thinking about the next cup of coffee, piece of chocolate, or meal out abstaining from those things is meant to serve as a reminder that only God can fill our hearts.  Throughout the relentless act:s of sacrifice campaign I found myself feeling annoyed- “what the heck- I actually have to create something? I have to come up with something new and different each week to remind me to sacrifice on behalf of others? To remember the poor? That just feels like a lot of work.”  As much as I’d like to write that I created some cool artwork, served in some amazing way in my community or watched a documentary about clean water, when it comes down to it taking a nap or watching The Muppets usually wins out.

Thankfully a relationship with Jesus isn’t dependent upon what I can sacrifice for him. The sacrifices of lent are meant to draw us towards Jesus as we prepare to mourn his unjust death on the cross and celebrate his resurrection on Easter Sunday. If sacrifice were what God desired, I would be straight up screwed.  I hate fasting, have good intentions to care for the poor, think about how it would be good to spend some time praying or reading my Bible. And sometimes I actually do these things. But more often, I don’t.  One of my favorite passages of scripture is from 1 Samuel 15:22 ”to obey is better than sacrifice and to heed is better than the fat of rams.” The prophet Samuel delivers this punch to King Saul after he tries to weasel his way into justifying why he didn’t actually obey the Lord’s instructions he had been given.  I think I like it so much because I can relate to weaseling my way into justifying why I do or don’t do certain things God calls and commands me to do- like care for the poor.  When Jesus invites me to obey him far too many of my prayers begin with “but Lord, I…..” weasel city.

I can never sacrifice enough for Jesus- there is simply no way that my self-centered, narcissistic self that looks out for me & mine can ever repay Jesus for choosing to enter my life to restore my relationship with God through his death & resurrection.  I may not be able to offer consistent sacrifice this lent, but I can seek to listen for his voice throughout the day. To obey when he’s encouraging me to be present to my son, to spend time with him even if I’d rather check Facebook, to care for the body he’s given me and be mindful of how easily my heart is pulled to find vice after vice after vice. And to look to him for help, freedom and contentment. Hopefully as I listen for his voice, I will become more obedient. And sacrifice won’t seem so difficult. It will just feel like a normal life with Jesus as I learn to care more about what and who he cares for.

Reblogged from Sidewalk Theologian:

• 
• 
• 
• 

Though the chocolate may melt in my mouth, I still have blood on my hands. A few weeks ago I was supposed to give a talk at Oakland University on Everyday Justice drawing from themes from Julie Clawson’s book by the same name.

As I did research, read her book and scoured online articles and websites I thought about themes on everyday justice that would connect most with students living in the affluent suburbs that border derelict Detroit; While cars and clothing might have been good choices for a school where students sport coach tennis shoes & drive Escalades but chocolate seemed like an easier thing to tackle in a 30 minute talk on why following Jesus means we should care about justice issues.

Read more… 834 more words

One of the things God taught me was to not take what we have for granted. As God taught me to depend on him in new ways, I realized how often I find myself thinking that I “need” certain groceries or justifying purchases that I don’t really need.  When we were chose to adopt a more austere lifestyle so that we wouldn’t go into consumer debt I found a lot of freedom in using what we had and becoming creative with our pantry options.  I found myself growing in empathy for people who have nothing to eat, wonder how they’re going to feed their families, or have to subsist on what they receive in refugee camps. Choice is a luxury- many people across the world and even here in Cleveland don’t have the choice between five different kinds of crackers in their pantry let alone gouda or brie to top those crackers. Even making a sacrifice on the amount of money spent on groceries in order to provide funds for someone else to eat can literally make the difference between life and death.

This week’s act:s of challenge is to “sacrifice what feeds you.”  In times of plenty it is easy to forget that we are utterly dependent upon Jesus providing for our needs.  To forget to be thankful that he does provide our daily bread and to pray for and serve those who have none. This week, I’m accepting the challenge in the form of not buying any groceries and using what we have in our pantry instead.  This will mean we eat canned fruit instead of fresh, that we’ll be eating many meals without meat, and we’ll likely be trying some new things this week as I work to creatively come up with menu options. There will be no running out to the store to pick up that extra ingredient that I need for a recipe. What will you do to sacrifice what feeds you. Want to join me in pillaging your pantry?  This might mean inviting friends over for a potluck to share your resources, to eat more simply, or to try a winning combination of beets, white beans and spinach (I seriously am thinking about putting these things together in some sort of salad).

As it says in Romans 12:1-2 Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.  I’m hoping that through these seven challenges I’ll be transformed, not just for my sake but for the sake of the world.  This week, I accepted the first challenge to “recreate your personal spaces, stripping away things around you to refocus your attention on what inspires you, makes you passionate, and helps you connect faith and justice.”

I’ll be honest with you. I’m tired. I had a long week of meetings, came home to a messy house and two adorable kids who want my attention.  I really wanted just to sit on my couch, enjoy a beverage and surf zappos.com to find a killer pair of black boots. I was slightly annoyed that the inspiration guide provided by act:s was just that- inspiration, rather than instruction. Mentally whining to myself I wondered “can’t they just tell me what to do to make the world a better place?” But the thing about Jesus is that he invites us to follow him, that implies taking action- not just sitting on the couch with a beverage passively hoping that my intentions will change my life or the world.

So, like any small step that requires faith I decided to accept the challenge and act to connect faith and justice. Though there are limitations on my life and time I can do something. So I got on the Sojourners website to see if there were any political actions being taken to care for the poor by people who follow Jesus.  There I learned about the “Circle of Protection” for a moral budget- A pledge by church leaders from diverse theological and political beliefs who have come together to form a Circle of Protection around programs that serve the most vulnerable in our nation and around the world.

Check out this clip on what the circle of protection is all about.  

I can do something about the fact that many Americans and people around the world can’t afford to buy shoes, groceries or a home.  Even though I didn’t find a killer pair of black boots on my boot quest  I’m glad I took the time to offer a small sacrifice to make the world a more just place. Take the time to inform yourself about issues you care about, act to do something about it, and invite others to do the same. If you’d like to sign the pledge like I did and have it passed onto your state senators, congress people and the big boss Barack himself, read and sign the petition for the circle of protection to be advocated for.

It was valentines day and unseasonably warm for February in the Upper Penninsula of Michigan so I decided to walk The Spot, the corner store a block away from our middle school to buy an Little Debbie oatmeal cream pie (only .25!) As a sixth grader I was just beginning to experience what relationships look like. Friends were starting to receive their first kisses, to accept boys invitations to sway with them to “lady in red” at a sweaty middle school dance in the gymnasium, and we would prank call our crushes only to giggle and hang up the phone when one of their parents answered.

my sixth grade picture. where to start with the bad fashion trends? the perm? teased bangs? swiss miss sweatshirt? fishing lure earrings?

As you can see from the picture above I was not the cutest girl on the block in 6th grade and I remember feeling self-conscious I walked to The Spot by myself that day. But in 6th grade, when do you not feel self-conscious?  When you’re in middle school, and even sometimes as an adult when you’re walking solo you’ll see another person walking towards you on the sidewalk and have the awkward moment of “when is it too soon to make eye contact/say hello.” You don’t want to stare at the person as you both walk towards one another, nor do you want to avert your eyes to ignore them and seem rude. You both know the moment is coming where some sort of casual social interaction should happen but don’t want to come off as a stalker or as a snob.  These moments are the worst when you see someone you vaguely know and are trying to decide whether or not to even say hello because you’re not sure if they remember you or will initiate a greeting first. You just feel like a tool if you say hello and they ignore you.

That day this mental dialogue of social interactions while walking down the street was likely going through my mind as I saw Jesse Siminski and two other eighth grade girls giggling as they walked towards me on the slushy sidewalk.  They had already been to The Spot for their Little Debbie snack, a seasonal heart shaped Valentines cake that they were munching on as they walked back to school clad in neon down jackets, pegged jeans and loafers with no socks- bangs teased to the sky.  As I neared these cool eighth graders, only a few feet away trying to decide how/or whether to greet them as a lowly sixth grader Jesse swooped down smooching me half on my cheek, half on my lips. “happy valentines day!” he chuckled as I froze in shock, listening to the giggles of the two other eighth grade girls who were watching our interaction.  I was so surprised I didn’t know what to do- I had never been kissed before so did that count as my first kiss? I didn’t really know Jesse, nor did I have a crush on him so what was an appropriate response to his kiss? I didn’t want to seem like a dork to the eighth graders, but it all happened so quickly that my first instinct was to blurt out “yuck!” and keep walking to The Spot.

I can't remember the last time I had a Little Debbie snack, but after writing this post I don't see how I will resist buying one.

They started laughing at me as they trotted away, throwing their little debbie snack wrappers on the sidewalk, and running up the stairs into our middle school.  I walked away feeling confused, slightly pleased that a boy would be prompted to kiss me on valentines day (though I believe Jesse later came out as gay), and wondering if there were any more valentines little debbie heart cakes left at The Spot.

So blog friends, now that I’ve shared one of numerous awkward valentines stories it’s your turn- what was your worst/most awkward valentines day? What Little Debbie snack was your favorite growing up?