my awkward valentine

7 02 2012

I’ve had some awful valentines days in my past.  Spanning the history of amorous attempts on February 14th these valentines have included awkward kisses, technicolor vomiting, public rejection, cheesy gifts, and an internal blend  of resentment/anixety/and pity. Here’s a quick recap for your amusement dear blog friends:

It was valentines day and unseasonably warm for February in the Upper Penninsula of Michigan so I decided to walk The Spot, the corner store a block away from our middle school to buy an Little Debbie oatmeal cream pie (only .25!) As a sixth grader I was just beginning to experience what relationships look like. Friends were starting to receive their first kisses, to accept boys invitations to sway with them to “lady in red” at a sweaty middle school dance in the gymnasium, and we would prank call our crushes only to giggle and hang up the phone when one of their parents answered.

my sixth grade picture. where to start with the bad fashion trends? the perm? teased bangs? swiss miss sweatshirt? fishing lure earrings?

As you can see from the picture above I was not the cutest girl on the block in 6th grade and I remember feeling self-conscious I walked to The Spot by myself that day. But in 6th grade, when do you not feel self-conscious?  When you’re in middle school, and even sometimes as an adult when you’re walking solo you’ll see another person walking towards you on the sidewalk and have the awkward moment of “when is it too soon to make eye contact/say hello.” You don’t want to stare at the person as you both walk towards one another, nor do you want to avert your eyes to ignore them and seem rude. You both know the moment is coming where some sort of casual social interaction should happen but don’t want to come off as a stalker or as a snob.  These moments are the worst when you see someone you vaguely know and are trying to decide whether or not to even say hello because you’re not sure if they remember you or will initiate a greeting first. You just feel like a tool if you say hello and they ignore you.

That day this mental dialogue of social interactions while walking down the street was likely going through my mind as I saw Jesse Siminski and two other eighth grade girls giggling as they walked towards me on the slushy sidewalk.  They had already been to The Spot for their Little Debbie snack, a seasonal heart shaped Valentines cake that they were munching on as they walked back to school clad in neon down jackets, pegged jeans and loafers with no socks- bangs teased to the sky.  As I neared these cool eighth graders, only a few feet away trying to decide how/or whether to greet them as a lowly sixth grader Jesse swooped down smooching me half on my cheek, half on my lips. “happy valentines day!” he chuckled as I froze in shock, listening to the giggles of the two other eighth grade girls who were watching our interaction.  I was so surprised I didn’t know what to do- I had never been kissed before so did that count as my first kiss? I didn’t really know Jesse, nor did I have a crush on him so what was an appropriate response to his kiss? I didn’t want to seem like a dork to the eighth graders, but it all happened so quickly that my first instinct was to blurt out “yuck!” and keep walking to The Spot.

I can't remember the last time I had a Little Debbie snack, but after writing this post I don't see how I will resist buying one.

They started laughing at me as they trotted away, throwing their little debbie snack wrappers on the sidewalk, and running up the stairs into our middle school.  I walked away feeling confused, slightly pleased that a boy would be prompted to kiss me on valentines day (though I believe Jesse later came out as gay), and wondering if there were any more valentines little debbie heart cakes left at The Spot.

So blog friends, now that I’ve shared one of numerous awkward valentines stories it’s your turn- what was your worst/most awkward valentines day? What Little Debbie snack was your favorite growing up?



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when work and play collide

30 01 2012

I look forward to going to work every day. Granted, going to work often looks like taking my laptop to a coffeeshop to return emails, write a talk or prepare for meetings. But on the wonderful days I get to go to meetings I’m able to work with colleagues I love and respect and do work that brings my life joy, excitement and purpose.

Recently I got to train a bunch of noobs with InterVarsity- 25 first & second year staff eager to help students meet Jesus, work to renew the campus and participate in God’s work of developing world changers. It really is one of my favorite parts of my job-not only because what I teach and train them gets multiplied back on each of their campus but because new staff say things like: ”I can’t believe this is my job! I get paid to help students discover Jesus! ” Going into my 11th year with InterVarsity, like anything you’ve done for awhile, it can be easy to take things for granted. Like the fact that I can take my kids with me to work conferences. Or that the organization I work for is invested in me becoming a better leader and follower of Jesus. Or that there are hundreds of people who pray for our work and give sacrificially. Or that I get to see students lives changed on a regular basis. Or that I can take a Tuesday morning off to eat pancakes with my family because my work schedule is so flexible.

reuben & my colleagues kids enjoying some cupcakes at a staff conference.

Training the noobs reminded me of when I went through new staff training.  I remember feeling nervous and intimidated. For one, everyone was taller than me. That isn’t saying much because I’m only 5’4″ and everyone is usually taller than me. But for some reason, that was what intimidated me at the time.  Regardless, I sat down at the table, covered in pages of Ephesians manuscripts for bible study, packets of colored pencils scattered for us to use, I brought my a-game, wanting to seem competent, make really insightful comments, and catch on quickly to the training we were receiving.  The thing I didn’t expect was that the people in that room would become some of my closest friends over the next 10 years.

some of the new staff I got to spend time with- so fun! so teachable!

When Chris, a new staff stayed with us during fund development training a year ago, he asked “what are some of the things you’ve enjoyed about being on staff?” I saw Chris at the new staff training and as we were stirring non-dairy creamer into yet another cup of coffee he reminded me of my answer to his question; “I’ve enjoyed that when I go to work, I get to work with friends.”

with our friend Jeff Liou- we both came on staff in 2001 though now he's getting his PhD. Happily, we got to spend time with him recently when he spoke at an InterVarsity conference for Asian American students.

I’m hoping that not only will these new staff experience the transforming love of Jesus in their own lives and the lives of their students, but that they’ll look back years from now and realize that friendships were forged during new staff training between intense bible studies, vulnerable prayer times, and being drawn together into a bigger vision of what God has for the campus.

 


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boot quest

19 01 2012

October and April. Dave calls these the predictable months where I become obsessive about either snazzy winter boots or cute summer sandals.  For Christmas this year, Dave ordered me this cute pair:

They didn’t quite fit right, so instead of exchanging them I foolishly decided to embark on “boot quest ’12″. Bootquest looks like endless zappos and amazon searches to find the perfect boot. It involved excitedly ordering a pair online only to receive them and not even be able to get my foot inside :( boo. Or to eagerly receive this pair and slip into the soft suede- only to have my loving husband comment “they look a little colonial williamsburg-ish”

Nine West's Barstool boot

To be fair to Dave, the boots did look weird and I had to agree- it looked like I was going to listen to some minstrels, watch a joust of some sort and eat a giant turkey leg on a stick at a ren-fair. Back in the box, shipped back only to continue boot quest ’12. I am kicking myself for not going to Fontana’s Footwear while I was in Ithaca, NY this past New Years. Fontana’s- a tiny store right off of Cornell’s campus has the best selection of cute, practical and comfy boots I have ever found. On this boot quest I have decided to only try on boots in a store, and to go shopping with a girlfriend who won’t make comments about resembling people from colonial willaimsburg. By the time I find the perfect pair, it will be time for sandals!

Writing this post about bootquest has me curious blog friends; what’s your reaction when someone writes about fashion that typically writes about spirituality?  Is it something you enjoy reading or thinking about, see as frivolous, a waste of time, or a fun way God has given us to express our uniqueness? The reason I ask is that I recently read an article by Duane Litfin, former president of Wheaton College, entitled Clothing Matters: What we wear to church. While some of you may not go to church or see any reason to put on something special to go to church, it brought up something I’ve been thinking about for awhile. Why does it seem that Christian women are either gnostic when it comes to fashion- i.e. “God doesn’t care about our external bodies so it really doesn’t matter what I wear…” or licentiousness “God doesn’t care about our external bodies so getting dolled up in designer jeans really has nothing to do with my spirituality.”  Where do you tend to fall in this spectrum of a theology of fashion so to speak?

"OMG, do you see what she's wearing?" muggin' with my sister a few summers ago


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wife points

28 12 2011

“you don’t get wife points for calling your husband a butt” our babysitter Nita guffawed after my derogitory derriere related remark directed at Dave while frantically racing around the kitchen trying to load the dishwasher with cereal bowls, put away the milk and get out the door to get some work done.

A few weeks before that I had been at Nita’s dorm room to pick up the kids after she and her roommate Rachel had kindly watched them so Dave and I could see a play (the perks of working with college students!).  Rachel, Nita and I have ongoing conversations about gender roles in society, the church and marriage- the fun things you talk about in college when you’re trying to figure out- “what does it actually mean to be a woman?” and “what sort of a woman am I/do I want to become?” “what sort of wife will I be?”

On their dorm wall a piece of notebook paper was taped with both of their names on it, and a series of tally marks.  ”What’s the chart for?” I asked, glancing at Rachel as I loaded Oswald into his carseat.  Nita’s face began to turn red and she started laughing as Rachel smiled and said- “that’s our wife training chart. We give each other points for doing things that will make us good wives someday.”  Knowing that neither Nita or Rachel, funny, smart, ambitious, hipster students came to college to get their M.R.S. degree, I curiously asked, “so what kinds of things do you get wife points for?” Inwardly I was thinking:  there has to be an off the charts wife point tally for having sex with your husband when you don’t feel like it but decided it probably wasn’t a good idea to suggest adding that to the chart for two unmarried college students.

After regaling me and laughing together about their list of doing dishes, changing a diaper for the first time thanks to my 5-month old son, dressing stylish, and cooking/baking I drove home that night recalling doing something similar in college.  My roommates and I, trying to imagine what it would be like to be a wife someday dressed up in a bubble-gum pink Lawrence Welk-esque dress and took turns posing for pictures with a pan of meatlof ready to load into the oven. I’m away from home currently and don’t have access to the picture but the one above is pretty close to what we looked like (complete with heels).

Their wife points chart made me think about what I thought it would be like to be a wife when I was in college.  And then it made me reflect on what life has actually been like for nearly 10 years.  Shakespeare wrote in Hamlet; “there is always truth in jest” and though posing with pans of meatloaf and making tally marks for changing diapers  is an amusing way to try and envision what life as a spouse looks like, it points to a deeper fear of constrictive gender roles.  The questions lurking in the back of my mind all those years ago, and I suspect in Nita and Rachel’s ask “will I be able to be both feminine and powerful?” “Can I be both ambitious and loving?” “will I have a spouse that encourages me to pursue my dreams and gives me the freedom to do so?”

My list of “wife points” would be very different than when I made that proverbial list in college. The list would include things like:

  • Picking up pumpkin bagels for your husband just because he likes them. Wife points: 10
  • Forgiving your husband when he breaks a lamp while using it to illuminate a wall where installing an outlet instead of using a flashlight. Wife points: 15
  • Listening to stories about sports/kung-fu/hunting/electronics/star trek and being glad to hear about it because it’s something your husband loves and you want to care for him. Wife points: 25
  • Sampling your husbands home-brewed beer or other creations with believable enthusiasm (aka- I’m happy you have a hobby). Wife points: 40
  • Successfully navigating creating a three-month schedule of events, childcare responsibilities, and work travel while remaining kind and peaceful. Wife points: 50
  • Choosing to love your husband and bake him cookies for Valentines day even though you are still smarting from the hurtful things he has said the day before and not holding a grudge and actually being happy to see him. Wife points: 75
  • Respecting the committments you have both made to be financially prudent and stick with a budget, sucking it up and returning the killer ankle boots that were 70% off and resisting the mental sound track of “I deserve these.. he never lets me buy…he just bought a….I need these…” Wife points: 125
  • Having sex with your husband after a day of cleaning poop off of children, making dinner, cleaning the house, having a 2-hour conference call to plan an event, writing a talk that you have to give the next day and choosing to emotionally engage with each other while being intimate. Wife points: off. the. chart.

Being a wife is far harder than I ever imagined it to be. Actively forgiving is more difficult than scouring a pan crusted with burnt-on grease.  Choosing to love requires much more than the effort than putting on a pink chiffon dress and looking pretty. Believing you are each others advocates instead of enemies requires the kind of love Paul talks about in 1 Corinthians 13:4-  “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”

For many those words have long been forgotten after they’ve been read by your second cousin who your mom required to do something in your wedding ceremony. Yet they become much more potent in the years after the honeymoon is over. Especially on the days where you call your husband a butt because you’re mad at him. So friends- my question to you is what would make your wife points list?  How is being a wife more difficult or better than you thought about before you got married?


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boob jail

14 12 2011

Nursing a baby is a little like being on a tether- you can never be too far away from the child lest they get hungry. This makes me feel like I’m in boob jail. Every 2.5-3 hours the hungry squawks cause me to leave the talk I’m writing on my laptop, the bathroom I’m trying to clean or the 4-year old who I’m playing Legos with. The boobs are on lockdown.

When Oz was first born, the delight of having a new baby was coupled with remembering the days of an infant and what that entails. Deciding to stay at the coffee shop to work for another hour, running out to the shop to pick up some bagels, or even having a family outing now needs to have nursing time factored in. The boob clock is always ticking. It puts a bit of a cramp on spontaneity. Or on getting much done for that matter.

Some of the most passionate posts I’ve seen on Facebook revolve around college sports, changes in the layout of Facebook and breastfeeding.  Recently one friend was incensed that while in the waiting room of the pediatrician, a mother was complaining about her engorged breasts because of her newborn baby. When asked if breastfeeding was helping, she replied, “no way, these (pointing to her chest) are only for my husband.”  On the other end of things are other moms I’m friends with who get their kids involved with demonstrations to support breastfeeding.

Though it can be inconvenient at times, I feel like it’s a small sacrifice to give Os the best nutrition I can and to bond with him. I’m thankful that I’m even physiologically able to do so. I know for many moms it just isn’t an option because of an injury, malnutrition, or fear of infecting their baby with HIV like so many of the moms and babies my sister-in-law, Rachel works with in Kenya. This fall I’ve been able to take Os with me on all my trips for work. The kid has been to Columbus, OH, Morgantown, WV, Madison, WI and Detroit, MI in his first 5 months of life.  When I’m sharing Jesus with students at interactive art and outreach booths I’m holding him in one arm, letting another staff or student hold him or letting him sleep in his stroller nearby. Though I might feel like I’m in boob jail some of the time, I’m hugely grateful to work for InterVarsity which bends over backwards to empower working moms. I’ve been blogging about 10 things I’ve learned with InterVarsity in 10 years and integration is one of the key things that I’ve learned.  Though much of our lives are segregated work/home, work/family, colleagues/friends I’m privledged to have a job where my life is fairly integrated.  As a mom that’s looked like bringing my nursing baby with me when I preach the gospel on campus. It’s meant throwing on a load of laundry when I take a break from writing a talk.  It’s meant being at a conference and teaching students how to share their faith and having a black light dance party with them all in the same day. Yes, my job is pretty rad.

with my colleague Stephanie and Baby Os at a student training conference this past October

Though it can feel crazy at times, I’m thankful for the opportunity to demonstrate that ministry doesn’t need to stop because one has kids.  Years before I became a mom, I was angry with God for the prospect of him leading me to have kids, thus ripping me away from doing a job I loved.  During a week in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan at InterVarsity’s training camp, Cedar Campus, I can remember talking to another staff member about my fear of having kids and resentment towards God. Wary of what life would look like with kids, I shared “I don’t even think it’s possible to breastfeed a baby and travel around to preach the gospel!”  She stared at me with a pained and perplexed expression and responded, “WHY do you think that God is out to get you?” Her question made me think for a long time why I saw kids as a burden rather than a blessing to my life and ministry. And why my view of God was so messed up.

Now I know that yes, you can breastfeed a baby and travel around to preach the gospel. You can if Jesus calls you to do so and gives you strength to do so. I hope that the women (and men) I minister to on campus will remember that crazy lady who brought her baby to their meetings and taught them about Jesus. That someday as they begin families they’ll have a mental picture that I didn’t have as a college student about what life can look like as a minister mom.


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training transforms

21 11 2011

It’s thrilling to observe a saggy booty become sculpted buns of steel. To go from not being able to cook more than spaghetti to creating a gourmet Thanksgiving feast.  To move from a self-involved apathetic person to a heart that has more compassion and seeks to serve others.  Though many people value working out with a personal trainer to get the body they want, attending a culinary classes to become a talented cook, the value of spiritual training is often overlooked or underestimated.

As I’ve been blogging about the 10 things I’ve learned in 10 years with InterVarsity, lesson #7 is that training transforms. I’m totally counting my last post, dear college self as lesson #8. There are some more nuggets I’ve added to that post on  and have added why college life seems to stay the same no matter what decade you graduated. Back to lesson #7; during the past few weeks over 1,000 students across lower Michigan, Ohio, West Virginia and Western Pennsylvania invested in their spiritual training and took a weekend to learn how to share their faith, make time for God daily, study scripture, care about people across the world, and discover the person of Jesus.  As I spent the weekend helping to train 70 students on some basic spiritual disciplines like setting aside a time to meet with God daily or daily quiet time (DQT) for those who like abbreviations.  David, a member in my small group the ‘sparkling elks’ (a name they gave themselves at the beginning of the weekend), shared at the end of the weekend that he was committing to take 15 minutes each day to read scripture, pray and reflect on what God has been teaching him.

go sparkling elks!

The things David learned that weekend and puts into practice will serve him for the rest of his life.  As he makes a priority to meet with God, it’s in that place that the Holy Spirit uses this training to transform him to become more like Jesus.  It’s during that daily quiet time that Jesus will teach David to forgive others when he’s been wronged, to have peace in the midst of anxiety and confusion, to trust God with his future and relationships.  At one point during the weekend, I found myself tearing up thinking about how the choices these students are making now will shape them for the rest of their lives for good or for bad. And how thankful I am to walk with them as they make these choices.

It is always easier to choose training where we can see visible results- I’ve loved stepping on the scale each week and tracking how much pregnancy weight I’ve lost (13 pounds to go!) because I’ve been running on a consistent basis. I enjoy seeing a bubbling pecan pie baking in the oven and knowing that the crust will turn out as buttery and flaky as all the others since I have learned to make crusts from years of practice.  Yet more than any of these other things, I love seeing how God has used training in my life and the lives of students to teach them to care for the poor and oppressed, to be thankful, to make a choice to meet with God even when we don’t feel like it because we know that it’s a little like choosing to exercise when you’re not feeling it, your soul feels refreshed afterwards.

I know how hard it is to make a choice to meet with God daily- most days I am scrambling to get emails sent, dishes washed, talks written and children fed. Yet even in the midst of the craziness God has reminded me that I can meet with him anywhere- I can pray while washing dishes. I can confess my anxieties while running errands in the car. I can use my iPhone to read scripture instead of check Facebook while I wait in line at the bank.  The International Fellowship of Evangelical Students (IFES) the international student movement of which InterVarsity is part of now has a scripture and meditation that you can get on your phone- I’d encourage you if you’re longing for some training that transforms to commit to taking the next 30 days to partake of their Thirsty devotional. On a lunch break, waiting in the car, before you go to bed at night- get it on your phone and take 15 minutes to invest in your spiritual growth.

glug, glug, glug....


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dear college self,

4 11 2011

If you could pull a Marty McFly and travel back to give your college self some advice, what would you say? Here are my reflections in a blog I wrote for InterVarsity Christian Fellowship. To my college roommates Katie & Tara who are also pictured in this photo- here is a dose of some 1990′s nostalgia. shiny pants! leather pants!

yes, I really wore that to go out. no it wasn't halloween.

What’s the best piece of advice you received while you were in college? What about afterwards that you wish you had known?


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God can use me in spite of myself; staff lesson #9

14 10 2011

“I have had enough Lord. Take my life; I am no better than my ancestors.” Have you ever prayed a prayer like this? More than I’d care to admit during my 10 years with InterVarsity I’ve found myself echoing Elijah’s prayer from 1 Kings 19. Early on in my staff career I wondered why, if I was doing what God called me to do, I still felt so depressed. Why, though there were student leaders eager to receive training, mentoring and prayer to be missionaries on their campus, I felt like a failure.

"there are days you feel so down all you can do is lay on the couch eating cheetos watching daytime soaps." -Woody Anderson, former InterVarsity staff and current professor of Theology

Granted there were some days that were genuinely painful- feeling the sting of students gossiping against my leadership, the anguish of receiving a nasty letter in the mail after a fundraising appointment advising me to “get a real job and stop asking for money”, or the crushing disappointment of seeing students I’ve invested in walk away from faith in Jesus or fall into sin that compromises their leadership. On the days I forced myself to get into my cerulean Rav4 and make the drive to Grand Valley State, I would cry out that God to give me the strength just to show up and do my job.

Though I’ve struggled with depression my whole life stories like Elijah’s from scripture has provided me insight and comfort that God uses people in-spite of themselves to carry out his purposes in the world.  Ruth Haley Barton’s book Invitation to Silence and Solitude has helped me tremendously through exploring the story of Elijah and how God meets him in the midst of his feelings of depression, failure and incompetence to follow God and do his work. Though God has used lots of things in my life to help me overcome depression (medication, therapy, exercise, prayer) this book has been one of the most formative in terms of how I see myself and God in light of his calling on my life to minister to college students.

Through the years I’ve learned that God doesn’t expect me to conjure up a false feeling of happiness, joy, excitement or confidence to do his work.  He knows how easily I forget the powerful ways he’s worked in my life and in the lives of others through my obedience to him. Like Elijah, regardless of how I feel, he is present, he is faithful and is able to use me even when I feel useless. In many ways, this is the essence of the gospel; that through Jesus God lifts us out of the miry pit of sin and despair to What has helped you in your profession to trust that God is working through you despite how you feel? Any books, practices or people that have helped to remind you of God’s ability to move in your life and work?


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10 things I’ve learned in 10 years with InterVarsity

27 09 2011

This is how my first year on staff with InterVarsity began back in 2001:

After turning in my 14-page staff application, my hiring area director Andrea Thomas sent it back to me informing me that “this is a little lacking, we’re going to need you to write more.” She sent it back to me to continue to fill out two more times. Then, we had my formal interview at a Pizza Hut between Grand Rapids and Kalamazoo. I still think Andrea’s decision to hire me speaks of her being a woman of faith.

The previous staff at Grand Valley State University’s chapter where I had worked had walked away unexpectedly from the InterVarsity chapter and her faith- I was the newbie staff that came in after her. Students took bets on how long I’d last and told me how much they were betting. I think the pool got up to about $5.

back in the day with Dave, York & Jeff as members of the regional evangelism team

The first fall I was on campus, my new student outreach coordinator quit during new student outreach. Since there were seven students in the chapter at the time, this was a pretty big blow to our New Student Outreach efforts.

I began fund raising, not by going to Orientation for New Staff in glamourous Madison, WI, headquarters of InterVarsity, but by getting a large packet of stationary and some instructions and encouragement from my supervisor. I sat each night, on an overstuffed ottoman, nervously holding the large white cordless phone in one hand and the book Getting Sent in the other, alternating between reading about how to fund raise and making calls to would-be supporters of my ministry.

I wore a navy-blue fleece vest with InterVarsity’s logo quite frequently. Not the greatest fashion choice, but I think it made me feel official in some capacity. For the early 00′s I suppose it was passable.

It was a crazy beginning for a law-school hopeful turned campus minister and my first year in 2001 felt like an epic fail.  Even reading these reflections now I’m wondering- “why the heck didn’t I quit after the first year?!” Yet in sticking with it, I’ve learned a lot through the years like lesson #10: rough beginnings do not necessarily dictate the tone of how things will continue to be. Thankfully, for whatever reason Jesus gave me the strength each year to follow his call to see students and faculty transformed, campuses renewed & world changers developed. 10 years later I’m glad I stuck with it.

Over the past 10 years I’ve learned some other valuable nuggets of staffy-wisdom that over the next few months I thought I’d pass along in reflection and celebration of what these 10 years have been like.  Though they’re specific to campus ministry, I think many of the principles are applicable to folks in other careers.

If you’re on staff with InterVarsity- what were some of the epic fail moments of your first year? For others- what is one thing you’ve learned after getting through your first year on the job? It seems like for most folks the first year is the most difficult whether you’re a teacher, doctor or entrepreneur.



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one month with oswald

17 08 2011

A little over a month ago I wrote a complain-y post about waiting to deliver our baby. Well, things have been a little busy since he arrived a month ago on July 18th.

a little blurry, a lot cute.

On the day I went in to be induced, being past my due date (and having gestational diabetes) Dave and I drove to the hospital & decided to pray the office together- liturgical prayers for morning, noon & night with scriptures & meditations to go along with it.  That day the scripture included Psalm 127, a psalm that God has continued to bring up in my life a lot in 2011.  This psalm has always confused me, and yet been one I’ve heard used quite often in ministry contexts. For those of you unfamiliar with it, it goes a little something like this:

Psalm 127

A song of ascents. Of Solomon.

 1 Unless the LORD builds the house,
the builders labor in vain.
Unless the LORD watches over the city,
the guards stand watch in vain.
2 In vain you rise early
and stay up late,
toiling for food to eat—
for he grants sleep to[a] those he loves.

 3 Children are a heritage from the LORD,
offspring a reward from him.
4 Like arrows in the hands of a warrior
are children born in one’s youth.
5 Blessed is the man
whose quiver is full of them.
They will not be put to shame
when they contend with their opponents in court.

Early on in ministry, this psalm was a reminder to me that I needed to trust God with my efforts to invest in students lives, to develop them into leaders and to grow the chapter.  I could work as hard as I wanted- fundraising, meeting with students until the wee hours, crafting great strategies and get exhausted doing it.  The first part of this psalm reminded me that I needed to pray, rest and trust that the things God could build were better than what I could create on my own- those were the things that would last in students lives forever!

a ruddy fellow!

It wasn’t until this year when I was taking a silent retreat at a catholic retreat center (which also happened to be near a really great donut shop) that the second half of the psalm started to make sense to me. As I walked the frozen grounds, looking at the stations of the cross sticking up out of the snow I began to pray about my anxiety about having a second child.  I prayed about what having another baby would mean for our family and for my career and what kinds of transitions would ensue. This is when the second half of Psalm 127 came to mind; children are a heritage, a reward- they are as strategic as arrows in the hands of a warrior when parents invest in their kids to be love God, care about his people and this world.

As much as I had considered how the first part of the psalm applied to ministry, or any job really, I hadn’t considered how it was true of families as well.  Having kids is a choice to trust God that he’ll provide enough for you and your family- he’s the one who is able to give parents strength to build a home, watches guard over children to keep them safe & healthy and grants blissful nights of sleep to exhausted parents. It’s a choice, especially for women to trust that though things may need to slow down career wise to care for young children, God is able to financially provide for families.  It’s a choice to trust that though I may not be able to take as many professional opportunities as I might have without kids, God is building into my life and ministry in significant ways that bless me, my family and ministry in the years to come.


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