nudity does not equal sexuality

8 09 2010

I saw a lot of peeps and boobs at Burning Man this past week. After a 10-hour drive in an RV Saturday night after the man burned, a 4-connection flight on Sunday, and a 5 hour drive home on Monday to Cleveland after picking up Reuben in Ithaca, I’ve had a lot of time to begin processing my experiences at the Burning Man arts festival.  Even now I’m in a hazy-tired-ear-plugged up from changes in elevation but I wanted to begin writing before I forgot all the cool stuff.

So- back to the peeps and boobs.  Burning Man is a quintessential post-modern experience in community- “whatever works for you” is truly the mantra of the tribe there- in regards to everything.  One of the reasons Dave and I wanted to go together was that we knew we’d see a lot of nudity and sexual stuff and wanted to be together as a couple to pray and process together when we encountered weirdness. We also wanted to be able to honor our marriage covenant together and celebrate by getting bizzay with no one else except each other!

my one and only!

I was curious how I would deal with the nudity (would I want to cheat? go lesbian? go native & rock the birthday suit?) and also how Dave as a red-blooded visual dude would deal with seeing boobs, thong-clad butts and all manner of beautiful women walking around that weren’t his wife.  Surprisingly my view on nudity and why people went nude at the festival changed mid-week.  The first time I saw people nude it was shocking. By the end of the trip when I was in the airport I commented to my friend/professor Rick, “boy it’s weird seeing people with clothes on!”

As an evangelical Christian I believe God created the body to be a beautiful, joyous thing to be used to serve others, enjoy and honor God.  I asked the questions above not because I feel especially tempted to cheat on my husband with a man or woman or join a nudist colony, but because I know that though Jesus has saved me from the selfish darkness that so easily consumes, it still can rear it’s ugly head and try to convince me to do things that would break promises to God, my husband, and to the community I’ve committed myself to and dishonor who God has created me to be.

At some points the nudity was amusing- seeing a dude ride a bicycle naked was perhaps one of the most disgusting and seemingly uncomfortable things I’ve ever seen. Guys- I must say, I am impressed that any of you ride bicycles and can still have children.  There were lots of old hippie women that my new friend Alex & I joked about that they could have a saggy boob contest and that the prize would be a support bra.  There were people who offered to do body paint to decorate the body and there was actually some amazing art covering men and women though they were nude.

want to play piano in your briefs? go for it!

At other times nudity seemed like a radical statement in self-acceptance.  The only thing you can buy at Burning Man is coffee, ice, water & other caffeinated drinks. One one of the days I wanted an iced chai & as I sat to enjoy it, an entirely nude woman walked past me.  Most of the women went topless (I still can’t believe I’m writing this and am a Christian minister- wow, Jesus is funny!) so to see her entirely naked seemed to be such a statement of the lack of self-judgement and societal judgement to in some ways echo what God always intended for us- to be naked and unashamed of how we were made. At one point Rick asked a person in his son’s camp why she went naked during the week after she shared that had he arrived earlier she would have been entirely naked.  ”would you have wanted to be admired?” he asked “well” she replied, “I suppose if someone wanted to admire me, I would have received it as a compliment, but really going naked is more for me- to accept who I am and be comfortable with that, to challenge the fear I have of what others think of me”  It was like a lightbulb that went off for us uptight evangelicals who assume that if you see the bank-tellers cleavage you’re going to become addicted to porn, if a man is handsome, looks like James Franco and is wearing a pair of skinny jeans you’ll leave your husband to jump his bones.  Please don’t construe this as minimizing the horrific statistics of divorce, infidelity in and outside of the Christian community, but I think a big part of it is that sexuality, honoring our bodies and lust isn’t talked about so people resort to secrecy, which results in sin and brokenness when they can no longer feel “naked and unashamed” emotionally, relationally or spiritually with their spouse, friends or community. I feel like that’s pretty messed up.

the "bliss" sculpture a 50 ft. celebration of the female form

Being in a semi-nude community for a week made me feel surprisingly un-selfconscious about my own body though I was fully clothed the entire time.  The soundtrack that usually plays in my head- “do my thighs look too big? Did I really gain 10 lbs this summer, is she prettier than me?” was amazingly silent. (that’s right- eff you negative self-talk!) I became more thankful for the unique gift that only I can offer to this world- myself, as God created me- body mind and spirit. It has challenged me to be more thankful for my body and to stop being such a judgmental jerk of other peoples bodies.

I’m going to be blogging about Burning Man all week & I’d love to answer any questions you have about my experience, about what I’ve written, to encourage or challenge my thoughts on this.  I know there is a wide variety of people who read my blog; some who are likely uncomfortable or offended that I went to burning man in the first place to people think it’s super awesome and wish they could have gone. I want my blog to be an interactive, respectful place where people can voice their thoughts and opinions- so if you don’t agree with something I’ve written or someone else has commented on, please take a deep breath before typing out something reactionary in your comments and know that this is a public place to share thoughts and ideas.





the omission trip

17 08 2010

I’m going to Burning Man 2010- why? Because I think it is a place that Jesus would hang out. Along with all the freaks, artists, people wearing only body-paint, and cadre of mutant vehicles in this crowd of 45,000 that assembles in the desert to form the temporary Black Rock City Dave and I are heading out with 5 other friends to see what God is doing amongst “the burners.”

an aerial view of black rock city

Strangely enough this is considered a research and mission trip by the organization I work for, InterVarsity Christian Fellowship, is sponsored by the Billy Graham Center and is being led by Dr. Rick Richardson, the head of the M.A. program I’m doing through Wheaton Graduate School. A number of us in the M.A. program call him “slick Rick” because he’s so unassuming in appearance, but laser sharp when it comes to understanding and relating to post-modern culture and people. Rick has been a mentor over the years in sharing my faith with others so I’m thrilled to have a week to hang out, learn from and talk with him about what it means to be the presence of Jesus to people who don’t yet know him. He was the one who suggested that Burning Man would make a great research experience for my M.A. thesis.

I’ve started to refer to this trip as “the omission trip” rather than a mission trip, as unconventional of a mission trip as it might be.  Mission trip sounds a little too much like we’re going to do something for this crew of people, when in reality all we offer is Jesus and an openness to learn from this community of people that has often been overlooked or “omitted” by the church or religious types (hence, the trip of the overlooked or left out).  We plan to go and build relationships, pray with and for and share Jesus with fellow burners and try to understand and connect with their spiritual longings and hopefully help them to understand and experience Jesus in a new way.

anything goes at burning man

One of the biggest thrills in my life is going to people and places that freak Christians out and get me out of my comfort zone.  I’ll admit that I’ve slightly relished (and been mildly embarrassed) explaining to other Christians why we’re going to Burning man as I describe this new-age arts festival where people will be using drugs and the website states that “there are to be no sex acts committed in public” and I’ll be wearing a peacock costume for the week. It gets me hype because I feel like this is exactly the kind of thing that Jesus would get into- wanting to go where the people gathered to be with the outcasts rather than staying in the pristine temple to hang out with religious folks.  If you’re a Christian reading this- doesn’t this sound a little like what Paul does in Acts 17 in Athens? We hope as well that burners will want to hear more about this Jesus who was resurrected from the dead.

If you’d like to be part of this crazy little spiritual experiment, we’d love for you to pray for us & our other 5 friends on the trip that we’ll represent Jesus well to others, build meaningful relationships and enjoy the creativity God has blessed this group of people with. You can pray for Reuben & Grandpa & Grandma Fick as they care for him for the week while we’re away. If you’d like to contribute to what we’ve financially raised to afford the tickets, airfare and massive amounts of sequins for our costumes, you can give to our “omission trip” at InterVarsity’s Website.

I’ll likely be writing updates about this trip in the next few days, posting pics of how our costumes are coming along/asking for input, and processing what I hope to learn and experience. Thanks for being part of the fun adventures Jesus is sending me on!

sometimes Jesus takes us to crazy places, in crazy ways!





Jesus and the vampires

11 04 2010

Recently Dave and I have been watching the HBO series Trueblood.  The premise of TrueBlood is interesting- in the show the Japanese have created a synthetic blood “trueblood” that enables vampires to be sustained on artificial rather than human blood.  In turn this allows vampires to begin to emerge into mainstream society.  Capitalizing on the current cultural fascination with vampires, the show is a commentary on how we treat people who are different than us, because of race, gender, sexual orientation, or because they are the living dead.

As we were watching TrueBlood a few nights ago I was struck by a line spoken from Layfayette, the cook/local drugdealer/entrepreneur who also happens to be gay.

Lafayette, played by Nelsen Ellis

Layfayette secretly deals “V”- vampire blood which if taken by humans gives them unusual strength, ecstatic experiences and a new insight into the depth of the world around them.  As Layfayette draws a few drops of V from a vial, he explains to Jason, one of the main characters, a red-neck womanizer who has started to get hooked on V, that “the blood that we have in us sustains life, but V….. V is life.”

Do you ever have those moments where you think you’re simply being entertained and then some deep truth pops out at you? As I watched TrueBlood I began to wonder why there is so much fascination with vampires.  Besides the teeny-bopper crushes on Robert Pattinson, I think many of the themes in vampire shows connect with some of the deepest spiritual longings we have. If you’ll indulge me, there are many similar threads I see between vampire shows and Christian spirituality. Though I could probably write a post about each one of these things, the similar threads I see both for vampires and Jesus followers are a longing for connection and relationships that will last forever, immortality, and life sustaining blood.

For vampires, and for Jesus followers it’s all about the blood. Vampires feed on humans because they are empty, soul-less creatures who need to connect with another life to continue to exist.  They hunger and thirst for blood, will do anything to get blood and in the process often turn others into vampires by inviting them to drink their blood.

This week I’ve been in class with Alan Hirsch, author of The Forgotten Ways and The Shape of Things to Come. Alan and his wife Deb are Australians who have sought to live their lives among the marginalized living how they believe Jesus invites all of us to live- to subversivly, radically love people. People who are messy, broken, and believe they are unloveable. Their primary belief is that Jesus is Lord. It’s as simple and profound as that. He’s Lord of everything- our sex, our money, the time we spend with people, the vampire shows we may like to watch. And it’s because Jesus is Lord all of life is forever changed into an adventure of following him and loving in crazy, wonderful ways.

As a Jesus follower I believe that there was something mysterious, tragic and wonderful that happened in the bloody sacrifice Jesus made on the cross. I will spend the rest of my life figuring out what this historical event means in my life and how the teachings and life of Jesus help me to understand this awful, unjust death he died. There are times when I wonder- “am I crazy for believing this?” I think it’s a good and healthy thing to have doubts about faith and I always have. It’s what propels me into asking more questions to have integrity in my faith. Every once in awhile something rattles or probes me enough to start asking questions again and not just drift off into believing what I believe just because it’s been that way for awhile in my life. Things like when this past week A facebook friend recently posted this as his status update:

CHRISTIANITY: The belief that some cosmic Jewish zombie can make you live forever if you symbolically eat his flesh and telepathically tell him that you accept him as your master, so he can remove an evil force from your soul that is present in humanity because a rib-woman was convinced by a talking snake to eat from a magical tree. Makes perfect sense.

To be honest, I was a little pissed when I read this. I get angry that though people claim to be tolerant, they are tolerant of everything but Jesus. That’s another post for another day and right now I’m talking about vampires. I read his status update & thought, well for one, Jesus is not a zombie. He’s alive. Jesus is alive and active and moving in my life and in this world. And it’s because I drank his blood.

Time for me to confess….

I am a Christian vampire. I can’t get enough of the blood. This blood did something to my soul. This blood infected me, not with a virus that tears my life apart. It did exactly the opposite- it gave me life. It made me see things in the world that I’d never noticed before. It made me crave being around people because life is so stinkin’ GRAND! And I wanted other people to see that too in the midst of pain, jacked up families, crippling depression, rejection, fear, anxiety, (and these are just some of the things in my life) that this blood makes a difference. This blood does something. This blood makes you live forever. Not in some lame sitting in a toga, strumming a harp in a cloud kind of live forever, the blood makes your life significant because it joins you with a force greater than yourself that has overcome death itself in the person of Jesus. And what we do in this life is able to make a difference here on into eternity because of his blood.

As I thought and wrote these things I had to ask myself- is this crazy? Is it crazy for me to think that as Jesus hung on the cross bleeding he could see all the ways we rejected the goodness God offered us and traded it for a cute outfit from target to make ourselves feel beautiful, an orgasm with a stranger to make ourselves feel loved, a 60-hour work week to pay a mortgage that we can’t afford in the first place to make ourselves feel significant and secure? Is it crazy to think that there could actually be a different story and way of life that sets us free from these things and that somehow Jesus is able to do something about it?

People- I’m crazy for Jesus. And while you might think I’m a theological nutter, or a pop-culture junkie that sees Jesus in every copy of Entertainment Weekly, I’m convinced of this:

In all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels or demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither heights nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” (Romans 8:37)

My challenge this month is called “fools for Christ.” Whatever your spiritual background is, your beliefs or lack thereof- what would be the craziest thing you could do to explore faith? Maybe it’s to talk about faith backgrounds with people in your life that you have no clue what they believe. Maybe it’s to explore who Jesus is for yourself rather than letting other people tell you who he is. Studying the primary source of scripture and reading about Jesus in the book of John is a great start:

If you’re a Jesus follower, what would be the craziest thing you could do to live out your faith and talk about it like it made a difference in your life? I’ve realized that after college it’s way too easy to get sucked into the grind of life and stop asking big questions- to stop exploring and just start existing.

So here is my challenge to you bloggies this week: bring up the subject of spirituality with someone, have a talk about beliefs and how it impacts the lives of people around you or your own life. The worst that can happen is someone telling you that they’re uncomfortable talking about their views with you and throw their pudding snack pack at you. Perhaps the best that can happen is that you begin to know someone in a new way, realize some questions you have about faith, or feel invigorated talking about something besides the latest episode of LOST. So- how bout’ it?





rivers cuomo makes me cry

11 03 2010

I didn’t really care what other drivers were thinking as I blasted Weezer’s red album as I drove to meet my friend Ginny for dinner tonight. I didn’t mind if they saw me singing along at the top of my lungs and drumming on the steering wheel. I wasn’t concerned about who noticed when a few tears slid down my cheeks as I got caught up in the beauty and wonder of a timelessly moving three-chord progression.

I was listening to the song “The Angel and the One” which by lead singers River’s Cuomo’s admission is a “spiritual reverie.”    Call it tiredness from a long week of class, being hopped up on Jesus-good stuff from being taught by the director of the Billy Graham center, but this was a sneaky Jesus moment where he caught me off guard, and cracked my overly cautious heart open a little wider to be overwhelmed by his love.

The thing I love most about Jesus is he shows up in unexpected places in my life. He just shows up wherever he wants to and doesn’t seem to be bothered that it isn’t in “Jesus approved” places like church, Bible study or a prayer meeting.  He finds me in places I enjoy and places that mean a lot to me- running trails along Lake Huron, laughing with friends in a pub, listening to pop music that isn’t written about God but somehow connects with my deepest spiritual longings.  Have you ever felt this? Moments where you felt like you were connected to something bigger than yourself, or that you were profoundly grateful just to be alive and experience all that is good in life?

Listening to Rivers sing out his soul in this spiritual reverie I couldn’t help but be caught up in the song.  The words alone don’t do it justice but I couldn’t find it on youtube.

“there is another love that I would rather be obeying,

I see the ecstasy, and already I’m anticipating.

I feel a deeper peace, and that deeper peace is penetrating.

I’ve got the magic in me, I am complete is what I’m saying.

I’m flying up so high, my purple majesty displaying

I’ve reached a higher place that no one else can make a claim in

I’ll take you there my friend, I’m reaching out my hand so take it

We are the angels and we are the ones that are praying

Peace, shalom

Peace, shalom

Peace, peace.”

I went to blog this last night on the computer where I’m staying because I don’t have wireless- which is tremendously irritating! While I was waiting for the page to load on wordpress.com I saw this quote that I would have never stumbled across had I not been inconvenient by having to use (gasp!) dial-up.

“religion, like music, is not in need of defense but rendition” –Harry Emerson Fosdick

Hearing the words to a song like “The Angel and The One” and reading this quote reminds me of the deep longing in each of us that wants to connect with something bigger than ourselves.  We want to find peace. We want to be complete. And we want to experience these things with friends.

If I could have my wildest dreams come true and my biggest prayers answered it would be for the people I love to hear and believe a new rendition of the message of Jesus.  When I was thinking about these people in my life the image from Star Wars came to mind- the one where Han, Luke, Leia and Chewy are all trapped in that nasty garbage chute on the death star- you know, the one with the weird water snake thing, the one where the walls start closing in on them?

I feel like for many people who don’t know Jesus, or even people that are looking to religion to save them trying to see Jesus is like being in that Empire’s garbage chute.  All you can see is the garbage of the images, words or people that have misrepresented Jesus. It just all seems bad. Following Jesus or getting involved with “religion” seems like the walls of some cosmic trash chute closing in to crush any fun, joy or independent thought out of life.

Listening to Rivers sing inspires me to live and breath and speak a new rendition of the message of Jesus.  I hope this song carries on the wind loud and strong and clear from me and all the other people who follow him. I hope it causes people to look beyond the garbage and realize that because of Jesus it’s you and me and everyone in this world that can sing the song “I’ve reached a higher place that no one else can make a claim in I’ll take you there my friend, I’m reaching out my hand so take it”





you know you’re depressed when….

17 02 2010

you have an irrationally sad reaction to reading that Kevin Smith has been booted off a plane for being too fat. I’m a fan of Smith’s work- my faves being Dogma & Mallrats, but really- getting sad for a day knowing that he was publicly shamed and embarrassed about having to buy two seats on a plane and then having a tweet-fest about it is a little odd even for me.

as if it isn't bad enough dealing with weight issues on your own- imagine it being on NPR's website :(

I started to think about the other reasons I’ve been sad lately and how I’ve responded besides feeling ridiculous amounts of uncharacteristic empathy for Kevin Smith- things like: eating 1/2 a bag of Doritos (my go-to junk food of choice), sighing at the grey cloudy weather when at 8am Reuben asks me every day “is it the daytime?”, being angry and uncomfortable and stinky that my lactose intolerance has returned after a 2-year hiatus and a list of other things out of my control that I’ve reacted on a scale of “big-time jerk- to debbie downer” to when I realized- the book I just finished for one of my grad classes Searching for God Knows What

"this book made me terribly sad" isn't exactly the best endorsement- but I'd recommend reading it anyways

by Donald Miller made me tremendously sad. If any of my Wheaton cronies happen to read this post- I’d especially love to know what you thought/felt about the book if you’ve read it. The book is a wonderfully narrative picture of what a relationship with Jesus could be like and is like for Miller and many other people who follow Jesus.  It challenged the way I think about sharing my faith, the ways I talk about Jesus and how I pray.  But the worst part about this book was how it was like looking in a mirror and being horrified at all the ugliness reflected back at me.

Miller writes about the learning tool that many of us have pondered over in some sort of sociology lesson- “if there are 10 people in a lifeboat with X, Y and Z characteristics and you have to choose one to toss overboard, who would you choose?”  Basically, the question of “who has worth and value in our culture?”  He started to refer to this kind of thinking as being in the lifeboat & elaborated very eloquently & hilariously about the ways we try to find acceptance in other people, manage our images and secure love from others to “not get tossed out of the lifeboat.” The Kevin Smith article was just another reminder of the ways we judge one another & then how bent out of shape/hurt we are when we do this to one another.

Writing about it here in summary sounds trite, but the ideas (or perhaps the Holy Spirit) started to wear on me over the few days I read the book.  All the ways I manage my image- what I wear,

I almost bought this hat the other day- then I was worried people would think I was turning into a pimp. I will probably still buy it and chastise whoever dares to make pimp jokes about it.

what I say or don’t say, what I eat, what I write are all ways that I’m looking for people to in some way fawn all over my fabulousness/smartness/mad skillz. The sickest part of the book was the ways that religious people, in scripture and in culture today (including myself) do this- saying who is in and out, acceptable and not acceptable to God, what belief in Jesus looks like according to certain theologies/political agendas/morality. Pretty soon I/we get so caught up in all of this we forget that following Jesus is learning to love him and become more like him as we experience his friendship.  This was the thing that made me most depressed- to know that there are millions of people, people I love, people I don’t like, people I’ve never met that have a caricature of Jesus that has become so distorted by what I along with other Christians say and do that they don’t even want to experience knowing Jesus themselves.

No wonder I’ve been feeling depressed. However the best part of this book was the reminder that a friendship with Jesus isn’t about a list of what someone says you should or shouldn’t do- it’s the most mysterious, challenging, heart-pounding, thoroughly loving relationship you could ever have. It’s not a formula, it’s not a set of precepts- it’s an invitation to find out who God has created each of us to be and to actually become more human. I know that some people who may read this blog will have the caricature Jesus pop up in their minds after reading this last sentence.  The one you immediately associate with the cruel ways you were treated by people in a church/youth group/someone who claimed to follow Jesus.   They ways you associate Jesus with being demeaned, told you’re wrong, and not being “in the lifeboat.”  All I can say is I’m sorry. I’m so sorry that this was the Jesus you experienced and I’m sorry that I’m part of the problem. I pray that God himself would heal the wounds that I, along with so many others have caused because of my own self-focus.

Even in the midst of being depressed over my own brokenness and all the ways I see it play out in our obsession for affirmation everyday I was reminded of Jesus’ words about image management in the sermon on the mount in Matthew chapter 6.  In the verses before this Jesus is talking about how we don’t need to stress about what we’ll eat or what we’ll wear- that God cares for us and is able to provide for all of our needs- especially our need to be loved, affirmed and valued:

photo by lauren archer

if God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers—most of which are never even seen—don’t you think he’ll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? What I’m trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God’s giving. People who don’t know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don’t worry about missing out. You’ll find all your everyday human concerns will be met. Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.”

It was a good reminder to me, and hopefully in some small way a reminder to you of God’s care for your life.  I want to be caught up in God-reality rather than image management. I’m praying that my caricatures of Jesus will fade away and that and you & I, blog lurkers and blog readers will see the beauty, mystery and love found in getting to know Jesus for who he actually is.





so what do you do when you’re livid?

18 01 2010

Now that I’ve had a chance to retract my adamantium claws after some frustration recently, I’ve been thinking about the process of healing after a difficult incidents like this.  Thank you to everyone who wrote encouraging comments, emails, called me & sent me carmels via carrier pigeons. I’m thankful for your kindness and the pigeons only ate 1/2 of the carmels!

What do you do when you’re angry? hurt? frustrated? bitter? Why would I bother to even write about difficult experiences, or how I’m dealing with them? why? Because I’m betting that every single one of you have some sort of shizzle you’re dealing with in your life too. And we all have to make choices about how we’ll respond to people who hurt us, situations that are less than ideal and the fallout that comes from conflict. So, why the heck not blog about them & encourage one another to live out love. After all, as Elvis Costello

he's the best on vinyl.

once sung “what’s so funny bout’ peace, love and understanding?”

I was struck that in the midst of dealing with some painful things in my life, that there are thousands of others dealing with the wreckage of their lives in Haiti. And it reminded me why I need the gospel. I was reminded that because Jesus is able to give an unceasing, unchanging love in the midst of pain and brokenness, I can forgive instead of being resentful. I can triumph not because I’ve reamed someone out about what a jerk they are, or what wrongs they did to me, but because as St. Paul said “in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

I need Jesus to continue to heal me from the inside out, so that I can get my eyes off myself and my own issues and focus on how Jesus leading me and my community to bring his love, power and healing to a hurting world. And this is only possible through Jesus- I can’t be nice enough, tell myself to get my mind off my problems, or put on a happy face. The tapes just keep playing in my head.  I simply do not have enough love for all the jerks in my life, let alone this world. But Jesus does, and he is able to give me (and you!) his love. Which is totally, totally rad. This is the essence of the gospel, the essence of what Christians are meant to believe and live. If anyone tells you differently, they’re just bamboozled.

So, how did Jesus minister his love to me to help me heal? Well, funny you should ask. He did it in ways that would make me feel most cared for, which looked like:

  • A great date with my husband. We ate Kentucky Fried Chicken which we had been craving for weeks but continually talked ourselves out of because it is ridiculously unhealthy. We saw a movie by our favorite director, Wes Anderson. And we loved, loved The Fantastic Mr. Fox. It was just the thing to cheer my spirits!
  • A great date with a friend. Doing yoga with one of my girlfriends helped to release a lot of the tension I had been carrying around and reminded me that I am not in control of anything though I would so love to believe that to be true. It reminded me that God is way bigger than my problems and the problems in this world.
  • Dance parties. The first with my son to the Urbana 09 worship cd. We jumped around and shook our hips and praised Jesus. Worship is actually one of the most counter-cultural things I think that Christians do. What? Praise God for his goodness in a world that is so absolutely broken? Hecks YEAH! Because even when everything changes for the worse, God remains the same.
  • My second dance party was a solo one, and I rocked out while I cleaned with my ever-present ipod friends:

brittney

Gwen

Rhianna

Lady Gaga and Justin Timberlake showed up for a little while too, but it was mostly just the four of us sweeping the kitchen floor and shaking our booties.

I think sometimes Christians forget that God can use anything to remind us of his love and his presence. Perhaps because we’re so afraid that it is escapism into something besides God that we fail to realize that God may want to remind us we have bodies to dance, eat, and celebrate that we can find joy in the midst of pain because of his love. For some reason in my life that is often embodied in pop culture. And fried chicken.

What are ways that you deal with your anger? What helps you when you’re in a funk because of some conflict? I’m not looking for a dissertation, but how about your top three list?





Urbana 09 aka- the life chiropractor

30 12 2009

This week I get the privilege of working at InterVarsity’s Urbana Missions convention- an international gathering of students who are asking- “what in the heck does God want me to do with my life?” You can check it out at www.urbana09.org and actually watch to the sessions online!

16,000 students worshipping God!

This is my fourth time working at/attending Urbana.  The first time I attended the conference in 2000, I had such an intense experience with Jesus that after listening to a talk about the servant leadership of Jesus, I walked out of the auditorium in a daze on the cold, snowy night towards the busses waiting to take people back to the dorms. I saw a guy smoking a cigarette and though I’ve never been a smoker, all I could think was “whoa, Jesus just blew my mind- I think I need a cigarette.” After smoking about 1/2 of it and chatting with the guy about how Jesus was blowing our minds and reshaping the ways we thought about ourselves, this world and the people in our lives, I looked at the camel menthol I had half smoked (quintessential college student cigarette right?!) and thought- “gross! why am I doing this?!” and promptly stubbed it out, hiking through the snowy night to the dorm room where I was staying.

Though I haven’t smoked any cigarettes at subsequent Urbana conferences (I promise :) , Jesus continues to blow my mind. This is a place where I am reminded of God’s love for students, his desire to use them to teach and show the world of the priorities of Christ- to demonstrate justice to the poor, to share about the hope and life found in Jesus, to give our priorities and money to the subversive love and lifestyle that Jesus followers are meant to lead. And I’m reminded that I’m meant to lead this life as well- to care about the poor in my city, to talk about the healing love of Christ I’ve experienced, the ways that I need to change my priorities about how I use my money and time so that it doesn’t revolve around making myself more comfortable, successful or beautiful or any number of things I’m tempted to do. The things in my life that have gotten out of whack to care only about myself are shifted back into place by Jesus, the chiropractor and healer of souls.

blinded by the liiiight!

If you do check out the website, listen to Shane Claiborne and Oscar Muriu’s session Dec. 29th- on the webcast. Actually, if you don’t want your life to change, to be challenged to live a more compassionate, simple, generous life- don’t listen to it. It will mess with you in a way that only Jesus can.

the fine folks at toddland and urbana remind you- "jesus loves you...pass it on"





mental hurdles

14 12 2009

I hate it when I really need to focus on something (like work) and am so mentally distracted by other things that are exciting or inspiring me (writing) that I can’t do anything else. For the past week and 1/2 my brain has been buzzing with ideas for a book I have been inspired to write. Why do I say inspired? It felt stronger than anything I’ve ever experienced before- I’ve had a torrent of ideas that I can barely contain. Whether I’m doing dishes, driving around doing errands, eating eggs, all I can think about is this book I want to write! Amazing that it is coming right when I’m about to start sabbatical and will have space to actually write!  Here is the cover of the book- my friend and talented writer, Gracee inspired me with the idea to create a book cover for motivation.

Sorry this file is crazy huge! I was more concerned with drafting some chapters than getting the image cropped properly when I did a brain dump tonight. I still haven’t put my name on the cover I created because that feels like a whole nutha’ level of risk. I realized that after a week and 1/2 of scribbling notes in the car, drafting outlines on church bulletins and basically driving myself crazy with all these ideas and worrying that I wouldn’t remember them all- I just spewed them all out. And I think it helped me get over the hurdle of putting it on paper. I had been trying to push it out of my brain to focus, but if God is inspiring me to write a book the worst thing I could do is to try and stop thinking about it!

Funny enough, I have a meeting with an editor at a conference in a few weeks (a huge answer to prayer) that has nothing to do with this book! I’m pretty excited about this other book “women in witness” that I’m hoping to write about stories of women in scripture and history as well as include my own personal stories of sharing Jesus throughout the years. I’m leading a seminar at Urbana on this & Al Hsu- another talented writer and editor suggested that I pitch the idea for a book based on my seminar to the wigs of bigness at InterVarsity Press. Brilliant Al! Why didn’t I think of that!?

The thing I’m really excited about is that I’m starting a sabbatical (only 18 days to go!)  in January to finish my degree through Wheaton Graduate School- and I’ll actually have space to write! Now I just need concentrate and do my actual work and hopefully be inspired as much as I’ve been to write. Just the last few hurdles of Urbana seminars, fund-raising, Christmas shopping/baking/traveling/wrapping and I’m ready to go.





enter the chaos

5 12 2009

I stared at the painting for a full three minutes before I became self-conscious of the desk attendant wondering if I had entered into some sort of trance.  Even after moving on to look at some of the other paintings, capturing the essence of Jesus’ ministry in scripture I kept wandering back to snatch glimpses wondering if I had really seen what I experienced as I gazed at the image of Jesus surrounded by little children.

On a lunch break from a class in the M.A. program I’m in at Wheaton, I wandered into the Billy Graham Center Museum, curious to see which artist was featured this month.  I’ve always liked visiting the museum and have made a point to go every time I’m at Wheaton. Entering the dark gallery feels like a sacred space of beauty, creativity and the presence of the Holy Spirit waiting to speak to me through photographs, sculptures and paintings.  Currently, the exhibit of the Life of Christ, The Drawings of Robert Doares features an amazing scope of paintings depicting scenes from Jesus’ life. I wasn’t particularly interested in this group of paintings, but I always jump at the chance to see artwork.

Feeling tired from my week in class, I tried to quietly view the paintings, savoring the silence and the beauty.  However, there was a group of middle aged women wandering around viewing the paintings on some kind of tour.  My irritation with them grew as they loudly discussed their lunch plans, their blood-sugar levels dropping and whether they should come back to the museum after fueling up with an appropriate amount of carbohydrates. “shut up! I thought- can’t you just be quiet and enjoy the majesty of these paintings without wanting to move on to the next thing?” Clearly I was more tired from my week of class than I realized.  I prayed to be patient with these ladies and that they would indeed leave soon so I could be by myself in the gallery.

I continued to wander around, looking at the depiction of the disciples asking Jesus when the temple would be destroyed, of the temptation of Jesus in the wilderness depicting him surrounded by all kinds of animals. Birds, cheetahs, antelopes- and I thought, sure why would the animals NOT want to be near Jesus, he created them! I was also jealous that Jesus got to pet a cheetah without being mauled to death. I guess those are one of the benefits of being the Lord of the universe.

Most of the paintings were in black and white and so when I came to the painting in full, brilliant color of Jesus blessing the little children from Matthew 19:13-15- I stopped in my tracks.  For the past four years I’ve been preaching about how the gospel intersects with the issue of human trafficking, the value God has for the life of all people, especially children.  In this portion of scripture Jesus’ kindness towards children is illustrated when babies were brought to him to be touched.  Jesus’ disciples would have been caught off guard by the screaming, lauging children that climbed up into Jesus’ lap or put their sticky hands in his beard. They tried to play bodyguards and divert the mothers hopeful that their bright-eyed son or daughter would receive a special blessing from Jesus. Rather than shooing them away, Jesus speaks directly to the children;

let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.”

Though I have spoken to college students, often prideful of their accomplishments or goodness about how there is something about the innocence and faith of children that God sees as necessary for us to receive the kingdom of God.  How his kingdom that is comprised of priorities, attitudes and actions that line up with God’s desires for our lives and the world and how Jesus tells us that it is those who receive the Kingdom of God like a little child will experience his blessing, forgiveness and mercy.

God had something entirely different for me as I gazed at the portrait of him surrounded by toddlers. My son Reuben is two and ½ years old, and in the past month has begun to enter the whiny, demanding, milk-dumping all over the coffee table stage of the terrible twos.  I love spending time with him, hearing his laugh when I tickle him, watching him talk to his trains as he plays with them, holding his little hand in mine as we pray before each meal.  But having a toddler guarantees a high-level of constant stress and demand every day.  It feels chaotic at times, wondering how I’m going to prepare a talk to give or a training session, clean up the puddle of pee that has appeared in our living room after he’s had an accident and somehow ensure he has a clean bathtub to bathe in.  I’ve been feeling pretty overwhelmed lately, angry and resentful at times and not sure where Jesus is in the chaos of raising a toddler.  And most times I think I should just be strong, muscle through and escape as I listen to Gwen Stefani on Pandora as I fill the dishwasher each night.

But as I gazed at this painting and the tender yet confident way Jesus looked at the baby he was cradling, I was struck that Jesus is present in the joyful and stressful children bring to life.  Not only that, he welcomes it! And consequently, he welcomes mothers letting them know- you are welcome to be with me.  You don’t have to get your kid cleaned up or be embarrassed that they throw a temper tantrum or pee their pants, theirs is the kingdom of God.  Thinking back to the culture of the Jews in Jesus time, this would have been so extraordinary- a spiritual leader like Jesus not excluding women and saying because of your gender and the children you have to go worship in this separate area.  He welcomes them into the presence of God at the place they’re at in life.

It’s an intriguing scene looking at the expressions on the faces of each person in the painting- the grateful ways the women look at Jesus as he interacts with the children, their delight in the gifts God has given them in their offspring, the quizzical, shocked and disturbed faces of some of the male and female onlookers to this scene. And the joy in the midst of the chaos of children picking flowers, running around, sucking their thumbs, being tossed in the air.  I was so struck how Jesus welcomes me and my son into his presence, that he loves us not because of what we can do, the awesome talk I might give or how many students I can train.  He loves me because I’m his daughter, and he delights in me and wants to bless me as I humbly choose to experience his kingdom daily.  This experience was so intimate that I almost hesitate to share it with people- in a culture that values the façade of strength, resilience, and power it feels so counter cultural to receive the kingdom of God like a little child.  Not because of what I can do, but because of who God is making me to become.  But that’s the kingdom of God- different than what we expect- it catches us off guard, opens our hearts to the reality of God’s love for us, just as we are and the ways he wants us to live out his kingdom on earth, in our neighborhoods, with our families and even how we value ourselves.

Jesus wants to enter our chaos, no matter where we are at in life.  In fact, I’m guessing perhaps even for you he’s already but you haven’t been aware of the ways he has been demonstrating his love to you. I want to invite you wherever you are at spiritually, to choose to be open to how Jesus might want to enter the chaos of your life with kids, with school, your spouse, your job. I believe that God wants to show you his love for you and to strengthen you and give you peace through the chaos because he is present.






monkey see, monkey do

12 11 2009

Parents- are you ever terrified when you realize that your kids are picking up your bad habits? Or conversely that you have enough good habits that they’ll learn what’s important to you and emulate these good habits? The other day I trotted down the stairs & Reuben looked at me in our foyer with a big grin on his face and yelled “SHUT UP!” This was so disturbing! Right away I told him “no, we don’t say shut up!” and gave him a time out. I didn’t know that this phrase was going to be one we encourage him not to use, but hearing him yell it sounded so wrong and awful.I should say that Dave and I don’t go around yelling “SHUT UP!” at one another, we’ll say it as in “are you serious? you must be joking” but we never yell it in anger.

We were also grocery shopping this week at Aldi and Meijer and as I was pushing him in the cart to find some crackers, he looked at the people passing us and yelled “get out the way!”

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ah the joys of public humiliation while shopping with a toddler.....

Of course they laughed, but I was appalled at his rudeness towards strangers! Where is this coming from? Is this just toddler stuff? I explained that when we want someone to move we say “excuse me” or “please move out of my way” which he understood and then proceeded to say that to EVERYONE we passed in the aisles of Meijer. Thankfully I don’t think they noticed what he was saying.

It is so scary to think about how the daily choices that we make or don’t make shape how our children interact with the world. I constantly have to remind myself not to pick up my iPhone and scroll through email or facebook while Reuben is taking FOREVER to finish dinner. I don’t want him to think that dinner is a place where you finish your food and then multi-task while other people finish theirs. I want our dinner table to be a place of conversation, reflection on our days, and enjoyment of a meal together. I don’t always succeed at putting down my phone and Reuben has sometimes scolded me saying “stop, mama, stop!”

On the positive side, he sees that exercise is a normal part of our lives and even will ask when I come back from a run, “have a good run mama?” Or if we put him in the jogger stroller on a warm day for a run, he’ll get excited and say “it’s time for exercise!” and will encourage us to keep going if we stop “run dada, run! keep going!” It is so cute, and motivating!

 

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sometimes he's more tired than me after a run. then again he isn't pushing a 30 lb. toddler in a jogger stroller.

While I do want him to know that exercise, eating vegetables we pick from a farm and being hospitable are things we value, it’s also scary to think about how to best help him value scripture, prayer and meeting with Jesus in the capacities he’s able. I never want faith to be something he feels like is forced upon him, yet I want it to be a value in his life. This is a hard one isn’t it! I read a great book when Reuben was first born called “Never Mind the Joneses; building core Christian values that fit your family.

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great book by Tim Stafford!

I liked it because it was an encouragement to figure out what fits your family rather than saying “you have to teach your kids to value faith and make it look this way.” There were a ton of great ideas about how to help kids see faith in action through service and hospitality, to reflect on God’s presence through experiencing nature, to pray for and  practice compassion for others. I highly recommend it for people who have kids and want to help them understand all the many ways that Christian faith can look! Parents, what are ways you deal with rudeness? What are ways you’re helping your kids to value faith and other things in you’re life that you want them to learn?

 

 

 

 

 








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