the double-bind- life as a working mom

4 02 2011

Confession- at various points in my life I have thought all of these things: kids are speed-bumps on the career path, being a mom seems lame, God is a jerk if he wants me to have kids and give up a job I love. Maybe you’re in the other camp entirely and have been waiting to have babies since you went through puberty. I have never stepped foot in that camp.  Now that I’m approaching having not one, but two children it’s made me think and pray a lot about how my life will change when spawn of Fick #2 arrives this summer.

It’s been a hesitant path to motherhood for me- Dave married me hoping that I’d want to have children someday. I can distincly remember being at a meeting to present about my work with InterVarsity to a committee who would decide if they wanted to give a grant to our work.  Since I lived in West Michigan at the time the committee was made up of all older, white Dutch men in suits.  The only women in sight were the ones who cooked and served our lunch of ham buns and jello, and the mom who straggled into the meeting toting her baby on her hip and toddler in tow to drop off a form her husband had forgotten at home.  When I saw the tender looks on the mens faces as the haggard mother walked into the room  I remember thinking to myself “I never want to be looked at like that.”

you know it's bad when even Heidi Klum looks stressed out taking her kid grocery shopping.

To me, their looks were conveyed pity, condescension and an attitude of “look at this poor mother just trying to manage a day with young children while we men do all the important work and make the big decisions.”  I realize now that there was a lot of projecting of my own fears going on there about how I was viewed as a woman and sadly, some misogyny as well.  Who knows what those men were thinking? Maybe they were wishing they could ditch the suits and play in the sandbox and eat some popsicles instead of being in a stuffy meeting?

When I had my son Reuben, Dave and I decided that he would stay home part time while I would continue to work full time.  In part this decision was because we make the same amount of money and have the freedom to make decision based on what we’re passionate about and feel called to rather than salary.  However, I know that another part of me was terrified as being seen like the mom in the meeting. I didn’t want to disrupt meetings, I wanted to run meetings. I couldn’t fathom what it would be like to be away from the action of seeing God work on campus with students and staff and to be influential in shaping how students encounter Jesus.

yes, yes, we can do it all. or so we're told.

After all, if Jesus gave me gifts of preaching and teaching why the heck wouldn’t I use them?  For me, continuing to work full time was both a faith-based decision of asking the Lord to give me strength to do the work he was clearly calling me to and and prideful personal decision that I could prove that I was able to serve as a leader even with a little baby.

Now that I’ve worked for 10 years with InterVarsity and serve in a job I love I’m starting to think more about the quality of life I want to have and not just about my career ambitions.  The difficult thing about being a working mom is it seems you are constantly trading one kind of guilt for another. This is what is referred to as “the double-bind” the constant pull of how to navigate career development and family obligations.  When Reuben was little, I was thrilled to get a brief break from mommy life while speaking to or training students I still guiltily thought to myself “there goes 1-week of the only time in his life he’ll be 4-months old” and felt like a bad mom.  While I was at home with him and was still in the nursing phase every few hours, I guiltily thought “I am never going to get any work done! Why the heck did was I promoted with a 4-month old baby? I’m letting down the people I work for!” Then there’s the guilt of being too tired to want to engage emotionally with your kid or your husband, though you forgo the nap to play trains with your son. And when you juggle that for a number of years, you begin to wonder “is it worth it?”

For the month of February, I’m going to be posting once a week on this topic. I’ve talked to many other working moms and stay at home moms who struggle with guilt, are worried that their choice to stay home will limit their career options, or are worried they’ll mess up their kids if they work. I’d love to hear the things you struggle with, what you wish were different, and helpful ways that you’ve learned to navigate the double-bind.

So here is my question in response to this post: what do you feel most guilty about as a mom?

For me, I feel awful when Reuben asks “will you come play with me?” when I’m trying to clean up the house or shoot off some emails for work.  Though I often do go and play trains with him, I know that there will be work left undone and also that it’s o.k. for him to play by himself occasionally. I know we spend quality time together every day and that I don’t need to make every second of his childhood a magical playtime. Maybe it’s just his cute voice & those big blue eyes that get me. (In my best Admiral Akbar voice) It’s a trap! Guilt! Guilt either way!

oh admiral akbar, if only you could help me steer the mothership.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


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Merry Freegan Christmas!

27 11 2010

Do other parents feel guilty and sad that they too won’t have the same elated faces on their children’s faces when they present an XBox 360, complete Thomas the Tank engine set (with newest Misty Island Rescue attachments), or any other toy that said child would enjoy on Christmas morning? Have you noticed how even McDonald’s is equating personal fulfillment with food ordered and consumed from their menu this holiday season?

I recently received a coupon like this in the mail and thought "wow, that's so nice McD's sent me a holiday coupon!" and then I realized what I was thinking and that it wasn't a neighborly gesture on behalf of my local golden arches.

Though Dave and I are typically content with the lifestyle we’ve chosen of glamorous non-profit student ministry, are creative with our resources and try to live simply, there are times I just am sad or pissed off we don’t make more money.  This usually corresponds with what I feel like I should be doing to care for others than what is actually expected of me or desired around the Holiday season.  This Christmas we’re facing the tough reality of being addled with two mortgages because our renters moved out this past month, trying to sell our other car to still be a one car family and managing to buy Christmas presents this year.  Yesterday when I was carefully selecting some Thomas trains for Reuben for Christmas because of an amazing buy one get one sale (sometimes I do like black friday!) I was feeling like such a bad parent because I wanted to get him some of the play sets to go with the trains but it would have been irresponsible this month.

Now before you think I’m going to whip out my violin and tell you the sad tale of the boy who only had 15 trains to play with, this isn’t a pity post or some sort of crazy hippie rant about “the man”- homey don’t play that (at least publicly in my blog).  When I came back from shopping, I was checking facebook and noticed my friend Scott Bessenecker’s status update: “We’re calling it a “freeganecker Christmas” No new stuff for gifts. We’re attempting to break free of consumerism this year” Wow, I thought, I haven’t seen a message like that anywhere.  Granted Scott writes books like this one:

check out this book and a few of Scott's other gems at www.ivp.com!

“In The New Friars Scott Bessenecker profiles young Christians who have voluntarily removed themselves from the status quo in order to seek justice and mercy with the poorest of the world’s poor. These new friars are carrying on the work of the monastic tradition, the spirit of Francis and Clare of Assisi, St. Patrick and St. Brigid, the Jesuits and Nestorians and Moravians. The New Friars will show you that with God all things—even uncommon acts of courageous faith—are possible.” Check it out people- good stuff!

Scott’s status update was refreshing because it was a reminder of the hype that surrounds Christmas and how easily I buy (literally) into it.  i.e. see McDonald’s coupon example from above. It was a reminder of that though I often love stuff (I am a boot fiend when winter rolls around), stuff doesn’t love me back.  The boots get scuffed, the Thomas trains grow tiresome, the wrapping paper gets recycled or thrown away.  It’s funny that as a Jesus follower, the holiday meant to celebrate his birth is actually one of the most difficult for me to celebrate because it is more easy to be influenced by holiday commercials than Christmas carols which profess beautiful truth like:

“long lay the world, in sin and error pining, then he appeared and the world knew it’s worth, a thrill of hope, the weary world rejoices for yonder breaks a new and glorious dawn! Fall on your knees, oh hear the angels voices, oh night divine, the night when Christ was born!”

I’m thankful for Scott’s reminder that my worth isn’t found as a mom in the kinds of toys I buy for Reuben. It isn’t found in how cute I look in the lovely new boots my in-laws purchased for me of Christmas.  It isn’t found in the glorious gifts I’ve carefully chosen for people I love in my life.  It’s found in the thrill of hope that Jesus affords me in my life every single day, in his love and purpose for me that only grows more precious over the years, the kindness and acceptance he demonstrates thought there is much error and sin in my life. Man, I’m getting teared up as I type this post simply thinking about the different kind of gift Jesus is than the kind I usually pine for.

So this year, Dave and I are going to join Scott in his “Freeganecker” celebration by trying to live simply, kindly and responsibly by following some of his suggestions:

  • If our kids need something, we should get it (some are in great need of clothes). But let’s get it when they need it. The idea is to dial down the association between consumerism on steriods and Jesus’ birth. Yes, Jesus was an amazing gift and it’s nice to celebrate by giving someone a gift, but this thing has gotten waaaay out of control!
  • Freecycle is a place we can look for gifts for one another. Let’s rescue something a family member might need from the landfill (this may require some repair). (check www.freecycle.com for local listings near you!)
  • Of course home made gifts is alright.
  • Buy a goat or chicken in the name of a family member through one of the many charities that do that sort of thing.

    goats! check out the world vision gift catalogue for more great ideas!

  • Service gifts always welcome. (hellooooo backrubs!)
  • Psychologically prepare for a Christmas morning that will not be about trying out all the new stuff. This may be a challenge for the kids. We’ll need to satisfy ourselves with hanging out in our PJ’s, eating and playing games on Christmas day (the thrill of new stuff is pretty short lived anyway).
  • We watched “The Story of Stuff” together on Thanksgiving and chose to buy nothing on Friday.

Admittedly I wouldn’t even be thinking about doing this because of my own moral convictions this holiday season if it had not been for our lean pocketbooks. Yet I’m glad for even small reminders that I can choose to focus on celebrating and gift giving this year that doesn’t make me feel guilty or put us in debt.  I’d love to hear some of your ideas on how you’ve celebrated Christmas simply, tried to dial down consumerism and still managed to have a great time during the holidays.


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i feel old

17 11 2010

As some of you know from my facebook status last week; “I am entering into the land of mini-van ownership, I never thought it would happen to me.” For whatever reason, this milestone really made me not feel like a kid anymore.

Let’s do a brief recap of the past 10 years:

  • In the last 10 years I’ve graduated from college, gotten married, bought two houses, enrolled in a retirement plan, bought a couple cars, had a baby, worked for the same organization for nearly 10 years (with college kids no less who remind me daily that I wasn’t born in 1985 and don’t know who Seinfeld is, or more importantly, Pee Wee Herman.) and have almost completed an M.A.  really. not. a kid.

Yet it was the minivan that pushed me over the emotional threshold of “wow, I really can’t pretend to be cool and young anymore” As many commercials as they make like this: this:

When it comes down to it, you’re still driving a van and not a cute coupe, tough jeep or even the 1994 corolla that you had in college. Even though I was thankful that my husband went into crazy spreadsheet mode to find us a great deal in our price range, I dig the fold-in floor seats and we can haul a ton of crap for camping, junk scavenging or grocery shopping, I think a little piece of me died when we rolled off the dealer’s parking lot.

As we drove around this weekend in our new ride, I was really grumpy. I pictured myself stopping at intersections, not being the cute young thing that would be scoped out anymore, carefree heading to 7/11 for a slurpee at midnight, but something more akin to this:

ironically, 3/4 of these SNL women are moms- Tina Fey being in the prime of her career!

So, maybe I’m overreacting a bit but for some reason this felt like one of those things I never pictured myself doing. I do remember that on some level you can choose to live with the simple wonder and enjoyment of a kid. Though I continue to grow older and will hit many more milestones (God willing!) that will make me feel older, I don’t think I’ll ever feel like I need to “act my age”and not care about simple things or even just having fun.

There are many more things that make you grapple with aging- your first grey hair, the birth of kids, noticing your parents slowing down and aging, drinking handcrafted micro-brews instead of natural light. Or as one of my friends recently experienced, helping a teenager figure out what to do when they hit your car and need to call their insurance company.

Blog friends- what was the threshold emotional or otherwise that has made you feel like “whoa- I’m not a kid anymore?” I’d love to know your moments!

 


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under the gun is much more fun

9 11 2010

You’d think that with all the free time I have during my sabbatical, I’d be getting a lot done that I normally don’t. wrong. In some ways this is good- the point of a sabbatical is to rest or engage the mind in other things like getting a degree. Now that my time is mostly spent in writing and reflection on how I’m going to integrate what I’ve learned during this past year I find I have a much more difficult time structuring my schedule.

i love me some andy warhol!

A few years ago I took the meyer-briggs type 2 test which provides an even more detailed breakdown of a personality type- as in, just exactly what type of an extrovert am I as an ENTP? One of the most valuable insights I gained through this evaluation that I did with my staff team was that I function best in ordering my world as a perceiver (P) when I’m pressure prompted. This means that when I prepare a talk I typically have my most creative energy in the days or hours before I give a talk, that I enjoy juggling several tasks, and that I am easily bored when I’m not doing something. When people would tell me that they had been preparing a sermon for months, I’d often feel a little ashamed or like a loser because I did so much closer towards the deadline. Now, I know that I need to block out space right before an event because that’s when I’ll do most of my work.

Recently, my sabbatical days presents too many options for me, very few with deadlines. I could go for a run- or bake some muffins- or have a play date with a girlfriend- or clean the bathroom- or….the list goes on. I am not under any sort of gun to do anything.  And since there aren’t any deadlines for most of these things I’ve been wasting a lot of time trying to figure out what to do next. Thankfully my husband Dave knows that working under pressure is when I’m at my best and challenged invited me to help him teach on Ephesians 5 the day before we were supposed to teach. For some reason this helped to kick-start other areas in life- exercise, study, cleaning, fund development. I even baked a killer chicken potpie for dinner!

mmm! pie!

How do you operate best? Are you a planner? Do you do your best work under pressure? In the Meyer-Briggs type 2 the opposite of pressure prompted is early starting. What are you learning about how you best work?

 


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when cheating just feels right

5 11 2010

Last night I made a decision to cheat- on my sabbatical. Though I’ve been given a year for academic leave, rest and reflection to hopefully help me continue a long career with InterVarsity, I’m beginning to feel a bit antsy.  On Wednesday Dave asked me if I’d be willing to help him teach on Ephesians 5 at the weekly student gathering at Case Western. For those of you not familiar with Ephesians 5- it contains some of the most controversial and misused scripture in the New Testament- “wives submit to your husbands, husbands love your wives.” He thought it would be a good idea for both of us to teach on this subject to hopefully demonstrate how this can actually look healthy in a marriage and how the scripture has been misused.

At first I was hesitant. “I am on sabbtical after all- I should be resting.” Resting as of late has been really difficult for me. I find that I enjoy life much more when I’m moving at a faster pace, am stimulated by new ideas and have a chance to put those ideas into practice. I finally agreed to team teach with him, but then tried to bail out twice. I was also pretty afraid that I’d lost my speaker mojo somehow, that it would be terrible and would confirm that I should just stay home and twiddle my thumbs feeling bored instead of going back to work in January.

my husband Dave teaching at Case earlier this year- we have rarely done team teaching and it felt great to deliver a message together.

The great thing was I was reminded that when I’m obedient to use all of who Jesus has made me to be; a woman, wife, mother, evangelist- he shows up. Not only to bless me, but to bless others. Getting up in front of those students to help them understand scripture and “live as a community of love” as we challenged them to do, felt AWESOME! It felt a little like getting back on a bike- a really sweet BMX bike that I could do killer tricks with. Jesus reminded me that all I need to do is show up and be willing to let him speak to others through me- and he does amazing things.

flying high- on Jesus juice!

I’d like to write a whole other post on what we shared- our opening question was “what was your earliest memory of gender?”  ”how does the word submit make you feel?” But I’ll save that for another day….

After the meeting, I was milling around chatting with students when an Asian woman named Gina* approached me. After a bit of small talk about how it was her first time at an InterVarsity meeting she begin to share- “what you said tonight made a lot of sense, I could really connect with it. I’ve been feeling so lost in life and even though I wear a cross and know about Jesus, I really want to feel like I have a connection with him every day. Can you tell me how I can have that?” At this point, I think my jaw dropped as I sent up a quick prayer. “yeah, I’d love to talk about that” as I motioned for us to sit down on the dorm style couches in the meeting room. As Gina shared about some of her struggles and longing to connect with God, my heart was filled with thankfulness that Jesus was giving me the gift of being able to help guide someone into a relationship with him. Gina and I prayed for Jesus to be the leader of her life- to help her know how to live in the way of love and to be part of a community that would help her to do that. The coolest thing was that her R.A., Anna was there with her. After we prayed, she introduced me to her R.A. and shared about the decision she had made. “Oh that’s so cool”, said  Anna, you are one of the people I’ve been praying for to come to InterVarsity! Yeah, we can totally talk more about connecting with God daily.”

InterVarsity students- learning how to live as a community of love...and wear crazy wigs.

As Dave and I grabbed our laptop bags and headed out into the rainy night, I was elated. Not only did it feel so right to “cheat” on my sabbatical and do what I normally do for work, Jesus gave me an opportunity to do one of the things that brings me the most joy and purpose in life- helping others to know who he is and how he can lead their lives. It was a great reminder of what we had shared that night- “make the most of everyday” because each day is a gift for us to make a difference in the lives of those around us.

*name changed for privacy.


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the church of my imagination

21 10 2010

Choirs of unicorns singing gospel hymns, humorous sermons by Stephen Colbert and joyful potlucks with BBQ ribs afterwards comprise the church of my imagingation. Well, not actually, but it’s fun to picture right? Unicorns, Colbert, ribs- sounds like a divine trifecta to me.

dude, just how many hallelujahs are there in the hallelujah chorus?

Dave and I have been looking for a church here in Cleveland and I’ve been reflecting on what we value in a church, how we go about evaluating those values, the dissonance that occurs between what I picture as an ideal church and what we experience in reality.  Recently I took a class with Rick Richardson (aka Slick Rick) at Wheaton Graduate School on various models of evangelism and church. I was easily inspired and going to places like Lawndale Community church where the church has helped to provide health services, a low cost fitness center, a dental clinic and arts cafe in Lawndale, a struggling community just outside of Chicago.

my friend Francie and I outside of Lawndale Community Church's "Firehouse Arts Center" where they have a hip hop church!

Especially exciting is that they look to the leadership of people who are in the community for the answers to the problems that they face rather than coming in with their own ideas of cleaning up trash from the streets or painting houses to make superficial changes. Churches like Lawndale are truly bringing the kingdom of God here on earth as it is in heaven.

The phrase “church shopping” has come into the vocabulary of evangelicals in recent years, I believe in large part because so many churches have structured their services around a consumer Christian experience- “do I like the worship? What kinds of programs does the church offer for me? Did I “get fed” from the sermon?” When did Christians become so lazy that they need someone to spoon-feed them spirituality instead of experiencing growth as a daily part of life? In the last year I’ve had a growing discontent with various models of church and have felt like moving to Cleveland offers a great fresh start for finding and investing in a community that we can be part of to live life and serve Jesus together.

If you’ve ever been to a wedding or any variety, it’s likely that you may have heard 1 Corinthians 13 read by someone’s cousin, friend or uncle- “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” The earlier part of this passage talks about how there can be many impressive things present in a church; generosity to the poor, speaking eloquently about God, faith that can move mountains- yet without love it amounts to nothing. Nothing.

This has become the main factor for me in determining whether I want to join a church community or not: does it seem like a place where the love of Jesus is present? Are there people there who through the love that Jesus are seeing to always trust, persevere, hope and rejoice together? Are they the type of people who will judge me when I inevitably hurt, offend or slight someone? Or will they forgive? Do people seem proud of themselves because of what they’ve accomplished? For how big the church is or how edgy they can be? I’ve realized I can listen to great sermons online, buy a worship cd for world-class praise music or even call up friends who live far away that I can pray with.

dear God, let church be more than a building!

The thing I can’t replace is people. And that’s what church is all about- the mess, glory and joy of being with people who are in the process of being transformed into the divine creatures that are agents or peace, love and hope because of Jesus. It’s hard, there are hurt feelings, horrible conflicts. Yet in my imagination I see a community that is overflowing with the love of Jesus- where they’re able to have ridiculous amounts of fun together, pray like God is really listening, cry with one another in the midst of suffering and serve the needs around them without needing a church program to tell them that’s a good thing. That even when the hard, horrible things happen, they’re able to look to Jesus as their source of forgiveness and hope to heal the wounds we inflict and that are inflicted upon us. I hope that the church in my imagination can become more and more of a reality here in my neighborhood and community as we become involved in the lives of people seeking to follow Jesus here in Cleveland.


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how open minded are you?

22 09 2010

We all like to think of ourselves as open-minded people, tolerant of others who look different than us or have different beliefs. We want to be more enlightened thank many of the close-minded who have gone before us. Yet most of us have histories that shape the way we view people and people groups that leave lingering feelings of resentment, suspicion or judgement.  Sometimes this can be warranted- someone breaks trust by doing or saying something really hurtful which makes us likely to not trust the next person who comes along who is also a member of the intergalactic cat-lovers society or the Girl Scouts.

I’ve chosen to associate myself group of people that has been earned a particularly bad rep in society; evangelical Christians.  There has been actual data done on what jerks we are and have been.  In the book UnChristian

David Kinnaman's and Gabe Lyon's helpful, depressing and insightful book.

David Kinnaman details the common perceptions of Christians in society today found in the in depth research he did with the Barna group.  The chapter headings detail the bulk of the findings; Christians are: Hypocritical, judgmental, too political, anti-homosexual, sheltered, and too concerned with getting people’s souls saved.  Sadly, I have to agree with many of his findings and even more sadly am guilty of some of these things.

This was why my conversations with Alex at Burning Man were so significant.  When you’re part of a group that has earned a bad rep people typically assume that “you’re just like the rest of them.” I can’t tell you how many times my gut squirms when I tell people what I do.  It’s not because I’m embarrassed or ashamed to be a “consultant for college students in Christian leadership development” (evangelist or even campus pastor seems to weird people out waaaaay too much). It’s because that it has been all too common for me to see people’s eyes glaze over, stop talking to me or make passive aggressive jokes along the lines of “you’re not going to preach at me now/thump me over the head with your bible/tell me I’m going to hell? are you?” And say this all within the first two minutes that we’re talking to each other.  It sucks to have people stereotype you. And sucks even more that evangelical Christians have brought this warranted judgement on themselves.

Alex, a friend of Nicole’s who had come on the trip wasn’t one of these people whose eyes glazed over, shut down or made jokes about jerky Christians.  Over a cup of dusty coffee outside of our RV, Alex dressed in low-key burning man garb- a tank-top, khakis and a simple yellow flower hanging on a cord around his neck talked with me about significant areas of our lives- families, work, dreams for our future-he without being suspicious I would bust out some bible verses and me without any sort of agenda other than making a new friend and learning about his life.

Cool guys have beards. Check out Alex's work as a documentary film maker: http://www.strangerthanfilms.com/

Towards the end of our conversation he shared about how suspicious he had been of Christians. “I thought that anything nice they would do was because they were trying to convert me or lure me into their religion” Alex mused, taking a swig of his now cold coffee.  ”I realize how wrong it’s been of me to stereotype Christians.” I let that sink in a little. I have never, ever heard a person who isn’t a Christian apologize for the ways they have wrongly stereotyped us. I was also filled with gratitude because that was part of the whole reason we went to Burning Man- to help dispel stereotypes of what Christians are about and who Jesus is.

He continued to share as I listened intently, leaning forward in the cheap red folding camp chair, watching the dust storm swirl behind him in the distance. “I don’t need to be afraid to be friends with people who have a different system of belief.  If I don’t want to convert, then I don’t have to think that being friends with them will somehow force me into believing what they do.”  At this point I was elated both for the opportunity to hang out with a really cool person, to have the space to talk about significant things and that he was willing to be so vulnerable with me about his negative past with Christians.  I thanked Alex for sharing with me and how meaningful his apology was.  It was one of the highlights of my time at Burning Man and made me want to go back again because I felt so included in who I am and what I bring into the crazy mix there.

"at burning man, you'll never be the weirdest kid in the class!"

I asked Alex if I could blog about our conversation & he blessed me with this encouragement “of course you have my permission and blessing to spread the good word of connection understanding reconciliation and tolerance! So yeah, go ahead and let people know there are some good atheist/agnostics/pagan/hippies out there, and I’ll let my people know there are good Christians!” Thank you Alex for making Burning Man a place even “an evangelical” can be accepted an invited to participate and offer my gifts of faith to the community :)

Back in non-burning man world, conversations with Alex compel me not to go to church, but to be the church.  It’s easy to leave the church or Christianity because you’re so pissed that so many people or institutions do fulfill these stereotypes. Most recently, Ann Rice got fed up and left.  There have been many times in my adult life that I’ve wanted to walk away from all of it, sat in church angry and jaded, depressed and sad that a book like UnChristian can even be written.  However I have to believe that it (church, Christians, evangelicalism) can change, needs to change and will change through a crazy, radical lifestyle of love that comes from Jesus when his people get down to living out this life rather than just talking about it and judging others.


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the dirtiest man at Burning Man

13 09 2010

There are plenty of legends about the porta-potties at Burning Man. 50,000 people. no running water. in the blazing hot desert. Things get a little stinky.  Even for people with RV’s who have the luxury of not needing to walk from their camp to the public potties have to deal with the question: “what do you do with the poo?”

Thankfully there were people like Dustin at Burning Man. Guys hired by the festival to drive the sewer trucks around and remove the waste for a fee from festival attenders.  The live in RV’s on the outskirts of camp, have their meals catered and spend 12 hours a day cleaning other peoples excrement.  While walking to one of the potties my friend Rick and I were discussing the problematic poo potentency from our own RV when we spotted Dustin’s truck. Rick flagged him down while I went to use the porta-potties and when I emerged Dustin invited us to hop in his truck to drive to our RV and clean it out even though it was out of his district.

next time, we will only use the RV bathroom for applying makeup!

At one point in the week we realized a gift we had to offer to the Burning Man community was prayer. Prayers of blessing, affirmation and encouragement.  So many people have been hurt by Christians and the church, believe them to be judgmental and close-minded, we sensed that Jesus was directing us to demonstrate his love for people in a tangible way at Burning Man.  While we were slowly cruising through the camp with Dustin we began to chat with him about his life just to simply get to know him.  Burning Man is all about connecting with people and radical inclusion- yet I began to wonder, who wants to include Dustin, the self-proclaimed “sh*t-sucker” at their dinner table, dance party or bike ride?

During our ride, a half-dozen people ran up to Dustin’s truck to ask if he could clean out their RV- while he would sigh and mutter  ”leave me alone” it was clear that he had become annoyed with festival-goers asking him to clean their RV or assuming he was in charge of the toilet-paper supply in the porta-potties.  As we talked, Dustin shared with us that he had been in prison for three years & that the sewage company was the only one who would give him a job after prison.  ”They gave me a job & then eventually I became manager” he smiled gruffly as Rick and I congratulated him on his achievements.

Rick, Dustin & Me outside of our considerably less smelly RV!

“How was prison?” Rick asked as Dustin continued to be stopped by people needing RV poo-removal. Rick is able to connect with people in amazing ways, to empathize and invite them to see how Jesus might be working in their lives.  Though I know this about him, the question struck me as weird. How was prison? That’s like asking, “how was your colonoscopy?” Yet Dustin still replied, “It was alright. The hardest thing was going three years without a woman’s touch, y’know.” Rick empathized about the difficulties of marriage and lack of physical contact and asked him if he was married. Dustin shared that he had been married three times, that each time had been very difficult & that he hated being lonely but didn’t know if marriage could actually work. Rick began to ask him about how he deals with pain in his life & if he had any spiritual ways of dealing with the pain. “Well, I grew up LDS (latter-day saints; we were pretty close to Utah), but I don’t really go to church anymore.

At that point we had arrived at our RV & Dustin hopped out of the truck and started getting the hose down from his truck for the removal process, putting on his gloves and removing the cap from our sewage box.  As he got ready, I stood to the side and told Rick I wanted to ask Dustin if we could pray for him, which Rick shared that he had already been thinking about.  As he finished up, removing his gloves and squirting anti-bacterial lotion on his hands, Rick explained our hope to give people gifts at Burning Man through prayer and asked if we could pray for him.  Dustin seemed surprised, but pleased that we were showing an interest in his life beyond his poo-removal abilities and agreed.  As we were praying I felt God urging me to give him a hug. I didn’t feel like it was a big gesture but for a guy who had just shared how lonely he was and how painful each of his three divorces and marriages had been, maybe that’s what God thought he needed.

After we prayed, I asked if I could hug him. “Sure!” he smiled as Rick scooted off to get some cash to give him a tip in addition to his fee.  I gave him a big hug and thanked him for the ride back to our camp and for helping us with our poo problem.  Though it didn’t seem significant at the time, I was thinking about how part of Jesus’ ministry was to care for the “untouchables” in the places he traveled- lepers who were banished from the city, women who were unclean because of their menstrual cycle, people who were physically handicapped and couldn’t walk. The people that no-one wanted to touch, no one wanted to be around.  In a very small way, I felt like Jesus was extending himself through me to Dustin- the “sh*t-sucker.” To help him see that God values him, he is worthy of being loved by people and by God and that he is more than the job he does or his painful past. He is worthy of being seen and touched as someone made in the image of God.

Dustin was one of my favorite people I met at Burning Man. He wasn’t a middle-class white kid trying to escape and play desert hippie for a week, a high-paid exec looking to cut loose or a pseudo-spiritual person that was just looking to consume the next spiritual buzz. He was just a regular dude, trying to figure out how to be happy, stay married and live life well. I think that’s what many of us want- and just like Dustin, it can be hard to find.


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Categories : inner world, jesus, spiritual conversations

nudity does not equal sexuality

8 09 2010

I saw a lot of peeps and boobs at Burning Man this past week. After a 10-hour drive in an RV Saturday night after the man burned, a 4-connection flight on Sunday, and a 5 hour drive home on Monday to Cleveland after picking up Reuben in Ithaca, I’ve had a lot of time to begin processing my experiences at the Burning Man arts festival.  Even now I’m in a hazy-tired-ear-plugged up from changes in elevation but I wanted to begin writing before I forgot all the cool stuff.

So- back to the peeps and boobs.  Burning Man is a quintessential post-modern experience in community- “whatever works for you” is truly the mantra of the tribe there- in regards to everything.  One of the reasons Dave and I wanted to go together was that we knew we’d see a lot of nudity and sexual stuff and wanted to be together as a couple to pray and process together when we encountered weirdness. We also wanted to be able to honor our marriage covenant together and celebrate by getting bizzay with no one else except each other!

my one and only!

I was curious how I would deal with the nudity (would I want to cheat? go lesbian? go native & rock the birthday suit?) and also how Dave as a red-blooded visual dude would deal with seeing boobs, thong-clad butts and all manner of beautiful women walking around that weren’t his wife.  Surprisingly my view on nudity and why people went nude at the festival changed mid-week.  The first time I saw people nude it was shocking. By the end of the trip when I was in the airport I commented to my friend/professor Rick, “boy it’s weird seeing people with clothes on!”

As an evangelical Christian I believe God created the body to be a beautiful, joyous thing to be used to serve others, enjoy and honor God.  I asked the questions above not because I feel especially tempted to cheat on my husband with a man or woman or join a nudist colony, but because I know that though Jesus has saved me from the selfish darkness that so easily consumes, it still can rear it’s ugly head and try to convince me to do things that would break promises to God, my husband, and to the community I’ve committed myself to and dishonor who God has created me to be.

At some points the nudity was amusing- seeing a dude ride a bicycle naked was perhaps one of the most disgusting and seemingly uncomfortable things I’ve ever seen. Guys- I must say, I am impressed that any of you ride bicycles and can still have children.  There were lots of old hippie women that my new friend Alex & I joked about that they could have a saggy boob contest and that the prize would be a support bra.  There were people who offered to do body paint to decorate the body and there was actually some amazing art covering men and women though they were nude.

want to play piano in your briefs? go for it!

At other times nudity seemed like a radical statement in self-acceptance.  The only thing you can buy at Burning Man is coffee, ice, water & other caffeinated drinks. One one of the days I wanted an iced chai & as I sat to enjoy it, an entirely nude woman walked past me.  Most of the women went topless (I still can’t believe I’m writing this and am a Christian minister- wow, Jesus is funny!) so to see her entirely naked seemed to be such a statement of the lack of self-judgement and societal judgement to in some ways echo what God always intended for us- to be naked and unashamed of how we were made. At one point Rick asked a person in his son’s camp why she went naked during the week after she shared that had he arrived earlier she would have been entirely naked.  ”would you have wanted to be admired?” he asked “well” she replied, “I suppose if someone wanted to admire me, I would have received it as a compliment, but really going naked is more for me- to accept who I am and be comfortable with that, to challenge the fear I have of what others think of me”  It was like a lightbulb that went off for us uptight evangelicals who assume that if you see the bank-tellers cleavage you’re going to become addicted to porn, if a man is handsome, looks like James Franco and is wearing a pair of skinny jeans you’ll leave your husband to jump his bones.  Please don’t construe this as minimizing the horrific statistics of divorce, infidelity in and outside of the Christian community, but I think a big part of it is that sexuality, honoring our bodies and lust isn’t talked about so people resort to secrecy, which results in sin and brokenness when they can no longer feel “naked and unashamed” emotionally, relationally or spiritually with their spouse, friends or community. I feel like that’s pretty messed up.

the "bliss" sculpture a 50 ft. celebration of the female form

Being in a semi-nude community for a week made me feel surprisingly un-selfconscious about my own body though I was fully clothed the entire time.  The soundtrack that usually plays in my head- “do my thighs look too big? Did I really gain 10 lbs this summer, is she prettier than me?” was amazingly silent. (that’s right- eff you negative self-talk!) I became more thankful for the unique gift that only I can offer to this world- myself, as God created me- body mind and spirit. It has challenged me to be more thankful for my body and to stop being such a judgmental jerk of other peoples bodies.

I’m going to be blogging about Burning Man all week & I’d love to answer any questions you have about my experience, about what I’ve written, to encourage or challenge my thoughts on this.  I know there is a wide variety of people who read my blog; some who are likely uncomfortable or offended that I went to burning man in the first place to people think it’s super awesome and wish they could have gone. I want my blog to be an interactive, respectful place where people can voice their thoughts and opinions- so if you don’t agree with something I’ve written or someone else has commented on, please take a deep breath before typing out something reactionary in your comments and know that this is a public place to share thoughts and ideas.


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Categories : art, inner world, jesus, sex, spirituality, Uncategorized

plateaus

16 07 2010

What do you do when you find yourself plateauing in an area of life?

image from lilyxu.net

I’m remembering the good ol’ days of my posts on healthy eating and exercise. I was uber-motivated to run and lift weights three times a week, make sure to get my serving of 5 fruits and veggies a day & really mindful of how I was caring for my body.  It’s not that I’ve fallen off the wagon completely- eating 5 fruits and veggies a day has become part of my life. But in the last three months of moving to OH, focusing on raising $20,000 finishing two papers for grad school and completing the reading for the class I’m taking this week this is how my train of thought has gone:

1. At least these gnocci in cream sauce have peas in it! The strawberries on my ice cream count too!
2. At least I’m still walking a couple times a week/hauling boxes into a moving truck even if it’s not running or lifting weights!
3. At least I can take a nap while Reuben sleeps because I’m so exhausted.

You get the picture. It’s been a little more of survival in the midst of transition mode as opposed to “my life has a steady rhythm which I can build some healthy rhythms into.”

I know it won’t always be like this but its been difficult to think about where I’ve been with self-discipline  with exercise and eating and to realize that I’ve gained seven five pounds in the past three months. The blog title in my head has been “is weight gain during life transitions inevitable?” Maybe you can relate.

I was thinking about what scripture says about this in the book of ecclesiastes, chapter 3-

A Time for Everything

1 There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:

2 a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,

3 a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,

4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,

5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,

6 a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,

7 a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,

8 a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

Even if you’ve never read the bible, you’re probably familiar with these sayings because the Byrds made them popular in their song Turn! Turn! Turn! and now we can hear scripture on classic rock stations.

I remember my mom once quoted this song to point out why it was a good idea to “refrain from embracing” and not make out with boyfriends in public. good idea mom. horny high schoolers and PDA gross everyone out.

Maybe right now has been “a time for gnocchi in cream sauce, taking walks to slow down, pray and reflect instead of running, a time to unpack boxes instead of lift weights, a time to focus on creating a new life in Cleveland and a time to read like crazy for grad school”

So friends, what do you do in the midst of crazy life transitions to care for your self? I could use some encouragement & advice right now. Oh, and maybe some chocolate ;)


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Categories : exercise, food, grad school, inner world

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