rivers cuomo makes me cry

11 03 2010

I didn’t really care what other drivers were thinking as I blasted Weezer’s red album as I drove to meet my friend Ginny for dinner tonight. I didn’t mind if they saw me singing along at the top of my lungs and drumming on the steering wheel. I wasn’t concerned about who noticed when a few tears slid down my cheeks as I got caught up in the beauty and wonder of a timelessly moving three-chord progression.

I was listening to the song “The Angel and the One” which by lead singers River’s Cuomo’s admission is a “spiritual reverie.”    Call it tiredness from a long week of class, being hopped up on Jesus-good stuff from being taught by the director of the Billy Graham center, but this was a sneaky Jesus moment where he caught me off guard, and cracked my overly cautious heart open a little wider to be overwhelmed by his love.

The thing I love most about Jesus is he shows up in unexpected places in my life. He just shows up wherever he wants to and doesn’t seem to be bothered that it isn’t in “Jesus approved” places like church, Bible study or a prayer meeting.  He finds me in places I enjoy and places that mean a lot to me- running trails along Lake Huron, laughing with friends in a pub, listening to pop music that isn’t written about God but somehow connects with my deepest spiritual longings.  Have you ever felt this? Moments where you felt like you were connected to something bigger than yourself, or that you were profoundly grateful just to be alive and experience all that is good in life?

Listening to Rivers sing out his soul in this spiritual reverie I couldn’t help but be caught up in the song.  The words alone don’t do it justice but I couldn’t find it on youtube.

“there is another love that I would rather be obeying,

I see the ecstasy, and already I’m anticipating.

I feel a deeper peace, and that deeper peace is penetrating.

I’ve got the magic in me, I am complete is what I’m saying.

I’m flying up so high, my purple majesty displaying

I’ve reached a higher place that no one else can make a claim in

I’ll take you there my friend, I’m reaching out my hand so take it

We are the angels and we are the ones that are praying

Peace, shalom

Peace, shalom

Peace, peace.”

I went to blog this last night on the computer where I’m staying because I don’t have wireless- which is tremendously irritating! While I was waiting for the page to load on wordpress.com I saw this quote that I would have never stumbled across had I not been inconvenient by having to use (gasp!) dial-up.

“religion, like music, is not in need of defense but rendition” –Harry Emerson Fosdick

Hearing the words to a song like “The Angel and The One” and reading this quote reminds me of the deep longing in each of us that wants to connect with something bigger than ourselves.  We want to find peace. We want to be complete. And we want to experience these things with friends.

If I could have my wildest dreams come true and my biggest prayers answered it would be for the people I love to hear and believe a new rendition of the message of Jesus.  When I was thinking about these people in my life the image from Star Wars came to mind- the one where Han, Luke, Leia and Chewy are all trapped in that nasty garbage chute on the death star- you know, the one with the weird water snake thing, the one where the walls start closing in on them?

I feel like for many people who don’t know Jesus, or even people that are looking to religion to save them trying to see Jesus is like being in that Empire’s garbage chute.  All you can see is the garbage of the images, words or people that have misrepresented Jesus. It just all seems bad. Following Jesus or getting involved with “religion” seems like the walls of some cosmic trash chute closing in to crush any fun, joy or independent thought out of life.

Listening to Rivers sing inspires me to live and breath and speak a new rendition of the message of Jesus.  I hope this song carries on the wind loud and strong and clear from me and all the other people who follow him. I hope it causes people to look beyond the garbage and realize that because of Jesus it’s you and me and everyone in this world that can sing the song “I’ve reached a higher place that no one else can make a claim in I’ll take you there my friend, I’m reaching out my hand so take it”


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Categories : inner world, jesus, pop culture, spirituality

procrastination

9 03 2010

Are you reading my blog because you’re procrastinating something? Well, that makes two of us because I’m writing this blog procrastinating writing a presentation I have to give tomorrow for class.

Though I’m coming down with a cold and want to go to sleep even though it’s 7:58pm I find myself in the blogosphere. procrastinating. This issue is one I’ve had to deal with pointedly for the past 10 years having to self- manage my schedule. I love and hate this aspect of my job. It’s the same way with the M.A. program I’m in- it’s an intensely self-driven program designed for people who want to earn a degree while continuing to work.

What do you do when you procrastinate? What are you procrastinating right now? I’m guessing 97.6% of you facebook. I’ve found there are positive ways to procrastinate- taking a walk often clears my mind and settles anxiety in my heart. It gives me time to process ideas I often just need a little more time with. It gives me space to pray, and to work out some of the nervous energy I always seem to have. Though I wish cleaning was a way I procrastinated- I don’t believe this will ever be the case. My sister on the otherhand- that woman once encouraged me to organize my underwear drawer when I felt stressed out. I looked at her blankly- you organize your underwear drawer? I have come along way since then and do have nice compartments in my dresser now. But that is never my way to procrastinate.

Do you think it’s easier to channel procrastination into negative things? Things like mindless eating when you’re not hungry, online shopping for things we don’t need, letting our minds wander into places that are unhelpful or worrisome. I personally procrastinate by worrying whether unicorns could win a battle against mermaids in a mythological duel of land and sea creatures.

I'm gonna kick yer butt!


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friday fluff- friends!

5 03 2010

The first time I met Gracee Biskie we were attending new staff training as rookies with InterVarsity Christian Fellowship.  The training was about multi-ethnicity and how to help students learn about what scripture says about diversity.  As a bi-racial woman from Detroit who had experienced a ton of racism throughout her life she was in the midst of working through a lot of pain and anger.  Though I didn’t know it at the time, the training was stirring up all kinds of issues in her life.

That night as we went back to our host home we were sitting around in our pajamas talking about the training Gracee ranted her anger towards white people.  Being a white person and wrestling with my own issues of ethnic identity I blurted out “what do you want? A big long line of white people lining up and saying “I’m sorry??!!” She stopped and looked at me and replied with big eyes “that would be amazing!”  And then we both started cracking up thinking of an endless line of white people expressing their condolences for racism to Gracee.

together celebrating Gracee's birthday last year. Only she could pull off asking all her guest to wear black or white while she dresses herself in vibrant red :)

That was nine years ago and since then Gracee and I have been present for the births of one anothers children, discussed our mutual love of fashion and theology, prayed together about difficult issues in life and challenge each other to live into the leadership roles God has placed us in.  While we don’t get to see each other that often we always have a blast hanging out together.  Here are a few pics of our latest marathon catch up session from last week:

rockin' the cute new jackets she bought for us.

Rhys the little sweetie!

It was such an amazing experience to be present for Rhys’ birth.  Never in my life have I felt a deeper connection to another person as a woman and mother. Being in the hospital room together reminded me how throughout the ages women have shared in the intimate experience of giving birth.  This sweet moment was brought abruptly (and hilariously) to an end when her husband Dave showed up with a bag of french fries which he ate in the delivery room. I was so privileged that Gracee invited me to be present & take pictures of that momentous day.

Reuben loves coming to the Biskies house to play with Ransom & his toys.

buddies. Yesterday Reuben was playing "spaceship" and I asked him where he was going to fly. He replied- "to Ransom Biskie's house!"

I’m so thankful for my friend and all the ways God uses her in my life to consider new perspectives, try new fashion trends and have a tender heart towards Jesus and his people.


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Categories : fashion, friendship, inner world, mom blogs, race issues, working moms

february good reads

3 03 2010

Most of this month has been spent reading books for my two classes at Wheaton next week. I really enjoy studying, especially if I give myself enough time to actually read the material instead of cram it.  I wish I had started a little earlier on The Help, the book my book club is discussing this Friday. I’m only 20 pages in and it’s already so good!

My brain has been so full this month I haven’t been thinking about much else besides the content of the books. Here is what a few of the books from the syllabus & my favorite picks from the bunch:

Telling the Truth- The Gospel as Comedy, Tragedy and Fairy Tale by Frederick Buechner. Want to know how much of a nerd I am? I emailed the professor for my class asking to read a different book than Telling the Truth since it had been assigned for two other classes. He never emailed me back . I suppose I shouldn’t complain- it’s less work to do.
The Knowledge of the Holy by A.W. Tozer
Many of my friends and colleagues are into Tozer and this book was intriguing. However as a practitioner it was a little too cerebral for my liking.
Searching for God Knows What by Donald Miller
This book just horribly depressed me, even in the midst of Millers fabulous writing style. Too much depravity, not enough redemption. He does describe depravity beautifully though.

Becoming a Contagious Christian by Bill Hybels and Mark Mittelberg
In classic Bill Hybels style this was kind of a “duh!” book. He makes ministry principles and practice so easy to comprehend which is his genius!
The Leadership Secrets of Billy Graham by Myra and Shelley
I LOVED this book and was so inspired by reading not just about the life of Billy Graham but the inner values that guided his life and leadership.  I’d highly recommend this book for anyone looking for leadership inspiration and guidance.
7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Steven R. Covey
This book brought me back to 1996 when my mom started using phrases like “paradigm shift” and “mission statement” around the house  I think she had attended a leadership seminar where his principles were taught & suddenly I found myself with a maroon day planner that was supposed to organize my life. Thank God for PDA’s- I’ve always been terrible with paper. Now, as a parent, manager and leader this book was amazingly helpful thinking through the values I want to govern my life and leadership. I can’t wait to see what Dr. Lon Allison teaches us in class next week!

I haven’t read much for pleasure since I’ve been reading for class. However, I always enjoy my dose of Entertainment Weekly ! I’m so sad I’ll be driving to Wheaton on Sunday night instead of watching the Oscars- the movie buff’s equivalent of the superbowl.


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Chile vs. Haiti

2 03 2010

My sister in law Rachel, is a doctor currently living in Kenya doing research on pediatric AIDS.  I asked if I could repost this blog because I thought it was especially insightful and moving.  If you ever need to put your life in perspective, check out her blog.  There have been many times, while in the midst of a pity party that I’ve read her latest post and have remembered how much I actually have in my life that I take for granted. None of us have been given resources simply for ourselves- we’ve been given them to care for others.

Reuben loves seeing his aunt Rachel!

“The earthquake in Chile has been very much on my mind during the past few days, largely because of our cousins living in Santiago and extended family around the country. It has been a relief to gradually receive confirmation that all of our loved ones are safe. While the damage in Chile was significant and the pictures of collapsed buildings and bridges made me worry as I waited to hear about our family, I could not help but think about how much worse the situation in Haiti was after their earthquake in January. The differences reflect so clearly the disparities between a country with resources and a country without resources.

The Huffington Post provided a great description of why Chile could have an 8.8 magnitude earthquake and yet have so much less damage than the 7.0 earthquake in Haiti:

The earthquake in Chile was far stronger than the one that struck Haiti last month – yet the death toll in this Caribbean nation is magnitudes higher.

The reasons are simple.

Chile is wealthier and infinitely better prepared, with strict building codes, robust emergency response and a long history of handling seismic catastrophes. No living Haitian had experienced a quake at home when the Jan. 12 disaster crumbled their poorly constructed buildings.

Last week, I used the example of Haiti in a lecture to illuminate what global health looks like and what the needs (and consequences) for global health are in a resource-limited setting like Haiti. For many of us, it took a massive, horrific earthquake to remind us about Haiti. The earthquake woke us up to what was or was not in place before this disaster hit.  The earthquake created something truly awful that we had to pay attention to, but it also makes us look at Haiti.

And, what do we see in Haiti? For a long time, most Haitians have not had the most basic of human rights: clean water, decent shelter, and adequate nutrition. Without these basic necessities, Haitians face chronic disasters of disease, the diseases of poverty and malnutrition – HIV, diarrhea, malaria, poor survival at birth.

  • Haiti is the poorest country in the western hemisphere
  • Half the population lives on less than a dollar a day
  • Life expectancy at birth is only 59 years
  • Haiti has a miserable infant mortality rate: 80 out of 1000 kids die before their 5th birthday
  • Children constitute almost half of Haiti’s population of 9 million, and, before the earthquake, 350,000 lived in orphanages

We see the pictures of Haitians trying to cope with the horrible disaster of this earthquake, but it’s one of many chronic disasters that the country’s inhabitants wrestle with – they have had to cope with chronic disasters of the environment, chronic disasters of disease, and chronic disasters of politics. Haiti is vulnerable to flooding, with 98% of trees cut down and severe deforestation. Four storms in 2008 left one million homeless. As I mentioned, the country is plagued by disease: diarrhea, HIV, hepatitis, typhoid fever, dengue fever, malaria, leptospirosis. And, to top it all off, they have a disastrous political history, with legacies such as Francois (Papa Doc) Duvalier who assassinated and tortured more than 30,000 people.

Much of Haiti’s devastation from the recent earthquake results from the fact that they had such limited resources to begin with. Haiti’s vulnerability to disasters stems fundamentally from poverty.  As Tracy Kidder described expertly in the New England Journal of Medicine, Haiti’s poverty is both material and institutional, manifested not only in buildings made with unreinforced concrete but also in a Ministry of Health that lacked buildings, vehicles, Internet access, computers, and even pens and paper.

The Huffington Post article sums up some of these differences with a description of the presidential responses in Chile and Haiti:

“The fact that the president (Michelle Bachelet) was out giving minute-to-minute reports a few hours after the quake in the middle of the night gives you an indication of their disaster response,” said Sinclair.

Most Haitians didn’t know whether their president, Rene Preval, was alive or dead for at least a day after the quake. The National Palace and his residence – like most government buildings – had collapsed.

This is a rough sign outlining the donations needed in Haiti after the earthquake:

Food, medical, power, hygiene, shelter, water.  It’s also a pretty good outline of what Haiti’s biggest needs were before the earthquake. The very basics of a system to promote global health. They needed food, medical care, power, hygiene, shelter, and water. And Haitians need a country that would be stable enough to let them keep those things. Chile — Latin America’s wealthiest country — reminds us of the power of building codes, of government contingency planning, and of having the systems in place to provide basic healthcare, shelter, food and water. Let’s keep working to give Haiti and the world’s other poorest countries the same things.”

Amen and amen.


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Categories : justice

“how to raise racist kids”

26 02 2010

I received one of the nicest compliments about being a parent this week. And it had to do with race.  I started thinking about this after I read an article entitled “how to raise racist kids” posted by a friend from Wired magazine. You can check out the article for yourself here.

Dave and I go to a multi-ethnic church where we worship Jesus with Koreans, Africans, Latinos, African-Americans, Dutch people and everything in between.  We wanted to go there because we believe that we learn more about who God is and how to love people by being in relationships with people who look different than us. After all, God created the wonderfully beautiful array of ethnicities and cultures- it’s a shame to not have that be part of how we understand and worship God.

Each Wednesday I go to a moms group at my church where childcare is provided.  Rita, an older african american woman has been serving in the nursery for 20 years and has been caring for Reuben ever since we’ve been bringing him to church.  They developed a connection early on- she would lavish him with hugs and kisses and listen to him coo as a baby. He’d break out in a big smile whenever he saw her in the infants room each week. As he got older and could talk we would be driving by our church on errands and he’d ask “are we going to see Ms. Rita?” which made our hearts melt.  Even though he isn’t in the room with her anymore, he’ll still run over to the infants room to give her a hug every time we’re there.

Telfair Museum, Savannah, Georgia. Photo: UGArdener via Flickr

This week Rita and I were talking and she commented how blessed she has been that Reuben isn’t afraid of people that don’t look like him, and more specifically she’s so glad he isn’t afraid of her as a black person.  She shared about other families she knew even with adopted black kids that were afraid not just to be held by people, but to be held by black people in the nursery. Their parents would explain that they weren’t around black people much and consequently they were scared.

Rita’s compliment that she was thankful that we’re teaching Reuben about the importance of friendships with people from other ethnic backgrounds was one of the few moments as a parent that I’ve felt like I’ve been able to see how our values are being instilled in Reuben. You know when you’re kid is learning good stuff like colors and the alphabet, but knowing that you’re instilling your child with a value for multi-ethnicity or hospitality is much more difficult to quantify. Rita’s comment and the Wired article reminded me that it’s important to talk about race- not just as a politically correct, multi-cultural feel good experience to become better people, but because learning how to love and respect one another in all of our diversity is pleasing to God and just plain fun.


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Categories : church, parenting, race issues

the healthy snack attack

24 02 2010

Stereotypically men crave more salty snacks and women crave sweet snacks. Which serves to confirm my theory that I think more like a dude when it comes to eating habits (not to mention other areas of life).  Since trying to fight the february flab I’ve tried to be more conscious about eating fruits and veggies and adding strength training to doing yoga & walking. I am always amazed at how quickly the body begins to transform when you add lifting weights into the routine!  Happily, the muffin stuffin’ has decreased from code red to code orange in just two weeks of being more aware of what I was eating & spending some time doing workouts from exercisetv.tv. Wait, I think code orange is terrorist attack, or is it missing child? There aren’t any missing children or terrorists in my stomach to clear things up.

Anyways, in an attempt to try and get more fruits & veggies into my day I’ve had to rethink the snacks that I eat. I much prefer eating smaller meals & snacks throughout the day. Typically I eat three snacks during the day/night & try to make at least two of them fruit or veggies.  I always feel like veggies are more difficult to work in- sitting down with a bowl of creamed corn or roasted cauliflower doesn’t sound very appetizing even if it does fullfill the salty craving. Carrot sticks with dressing gets old after awhile & you also need to chop them up if you don’t like baby carrots/

Lately, I’ve been eating edamame for one of my snacks during the day. And actually I’m snacking on them right now as I type this post! These have been a great way to get a serving of veggies & hit the salty craving.

yummers! you can get these in the frozen food aisle most places- and in bulk at costco

These fill me up, satisfy my salty snack craving- are high protein and fiber & low in carbs. Plus they’re easy to cook in the microwave and are fun to eat sprinkled with a little sea salt.  It’s a little like the vegetable alternative of eating sunflower seeds- popping them into your mouth from the pods yet tasting the salt that has been sprinkled on the outside.

"me & jenny, we's like peas & carrots"

What are ways you work fruits & veggies into your day? Have you found any good salty or sweet snacks that are still relatively healthy?

Real Simple just featured a soup including edamame & yummy asian dumplings that I’ve been wanting to try. Here’s the link for the recipe if you’re feel the urge to try some edamame and want to incorporate them into some other recipes.

doesn't this look good? photo from realsimple.com


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Categories : cooking, food

what gets in the way of your happiness?

22 02 2010

When I was in college, my roommate Marla stressed about finding a major exclaimed in frustration; “I wish we were back in the old days of women just having to choose if they wanted to be a nurse or a teacher! There are just too many options!”  At the time, I chided her for not embracing the myriad of options women have available now more than any other point in history.  Yet, as I read the chapter in Find Your Strongest Life entitled “Of Choice and Men” Marla’s comment came to mind.  In his research to learn what helps women to feel strong and successful, Buckingham learned the following- I’m quoting from a few of the highlights on page 45 if you have a copy of the book:

1. Over the last forty years women have gained more opportunities and more responsibilities. Very few if any, have been relinquished. Consequently, your greatest challenge in life is to make wise choices.
2. More choice doesn’t correlate to more happiness. More choice can in fact, add to your levels of stress and make your life harder.

hilarious "super-mom" action figure available at: http://www.happyworker.com/catalog/item/supermom-action-figure

3. In developed countries, women and men work the same number of hours. (Women’s increasing levels of stress seem to be caused less by the actual number of hours worked, than by the sheer variety of what needs to happen within those hours)

To these observations I say, “preach it Marcus!” When I was at Wheaton taking a class this past December, I had lunch with some classmates and the department chair of the Intercultural studies, a woman named Evvy Campbell. I asked her what it was like as a woman leading in a high capacity role like department head. I immediately felt embarrassed I had called attention to her gender (do you ever feel like it’s taboo to point out gender? Especially for women?) She talked about how God had called her to the role & that Wheaton had been a great place to develop as a leader. Then with a wink and a nod she said, “I do my work here as department head & then go home to vacuum the floors & do the dishes too! That’s what it’s like being a female department head.”

oh Angelina, you make it look so easy and glamorous!

This is exactly the kind of thing Marcus is writing about- though we may have more responsibilities and opportunities, all of the same ones (like vacuuming the floors, and helping to assemble the school project, and exercising, and cooking healthy meals) remain. His premise is that women feel stressed because during the course of one day we feel pressure to be “Martha Stewart, Michelle Obama, Katie Couric and Meg Whitman and Angelina Jolie and Danica Patrick, all rolled into one unattainable package.” It isn’t that there aren’t enough hours in the day to do everything, it’s that there are too many things going on to focus well on any one of them.

He’s got some great suggestions later in the book about how to deal with this, but it made me stop and reflect how I try to do this as well. It does feel great when you can fully give yourself to the attention of making dinner, reading your child a bedtime story, composing that difficult email, or cracking out a few hours of studying….without thinking about them all simultaneously. I am totally guilty of this!

Dave and I have tried to make some rules to help us stay focused on being present to what we’re currently doing- we don’t check our computers/email/facebook before breakfast. I know that might seem silly, but when you’re focused on everything at once, it’s tempting to crack some eggs, check an email while the toast is toasting and reply to the email while you’re waiting for coffee to brew.  In the mean time, you’re missing out with time to connect with others, settle into the day and be present to nourishing your body and relationships.  Even making this one rule for our family has helped me to realize- whatever is in my inbox can wait! My family is more important than my iPhone! Eggs are delicious! And I have felt less stressed because we’re not letting technology invade that time as a family. It helps me remember that the people I’m with at that moment are more important for the 30 minutes of breakfast than the people who are waiting for my replies to emails.

What are some thing that you feel like is getting in the way of your happiness? Any ways that you’ve simplified your life to stop unhealthy multi-tasking? How has it affected you? What do you agree/disagree with about Marcus’ findings?


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Categories : grad school, mom blogs, parenting, work, working moms

friday fluff- the McOlympian

19 02 2010

I read this blog on NPR today & cracked up about McDonald’s being a sponsor of the Olympics.  I’ve thought about the irony of Mcdonald’s being a sponsor for the most prestigious athletic competitions in the world for awhile & how no athlete is going to fuel up on protien and carbs from a big mac & fries! That said, I generally try to not be cynical but this blog echoed my sentiments exactly. It seems like their sponsorship of the olympics is a way to manage their tarnished image from movies like supersize me.

That said, since most of us will never compete in the olympics but still want to take care of our bodies can you actually eat healthily at McDonalds?  Where do you eat when you’re in a hurry but want to eat healthy? My sister was telling me about the shocked look on the face of moms from her son’s school when they suggested going to McDonald’s for lunch when Rachel’s son asked “what’s McDonalds?” If you know my sister, you’ll roll your eyes because she is a gorgeous woman who is also an amazing cook and loves food! Besides, her poison is Taco Bell :)

I actually am a sucker for the golden arches. more than any other fast food restaurant that is where I go if I’m in a rush, there isn’t a panera or jimmy johns available for healthier options.  The funny thing is that  I used to feel like all was lost if I stepped into a Mcdonald’s- like I needed to eat a big mac & giant fries, washed down, of course, with a diet coke- that it was the worst option or no option. Just because you eat there doesn’t mean you need to eat everything there!

Even at McDonald’s I try to stick with my strive for five principle, ordering a side salad off the $1 menu or some apple dippers without the carmel sauce.  True- it won’t be the best salad in the world but at least it’s vegetables that aren’t fried!  If I do get fries, which I try not to do that often, I’ll order a small & split it with Dave so I can enjoy the taste without the supersize. Splitting fries with Reuben is a lost cause- even if I steal one, he’ll cry out in horror- “that’s MY french fry!!!” I once spit the partially chewed fry back out to see what he’d do. He ate it anyways. My son has a deep love of french fries.

Even small choices at McD’s can save you calories- a 6-piece mcnugget is 280 calories compared to a double cheeseburger at 440 calories. You wouldn’t think it’d be that big of a difference- but every healthier choice ends up paying off! If you’re on the road a lot and don’t have many healthy options, it’s worth it to check the nutritional information for fast food locations listed online to know what you’re eating.  Spending 5 minutes doing a little research can help you make healthier choices every time you’re in the drive-through.  Better yet- skip the drive through and eat what you’ve got at home or pack a meal for the car!

cost-effective & healthy- the classic brown bag lunch!


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Categories : food

you know you’re depressed when….

17 02 2010

you have an irrationally sad reaction to reading that Kevin Smith has been booted off a plane for being too fat. I’m a fan of Smith’s work- my faves being Dogma & Mallrats, but really- getting sad for a day knowing that he was publicly shamed and embarrassed about having to buy two seats on a plane and then having a tweet-fest about it is a little odd even for me.

as if it isn't bad enough dealing with weight issues on your own- imagine it being on NPR's website :(

I started to think about the other reasons I’ve been sad lately and how I’ve responded besides feeling ridiculous amounts of uncharacteristic empathy for Kevin Smith- things like: eating 1/2 a bag of Doritos (my go-to junk food of choice), sighing at the grey cloudy weather when at 8am Reuben asks me every day “is it the daytime?”, being angry and uncomfortable and stinky that my lactose intolerance has returned after a 2-year hiatus and a list of other things out of my control that I’ve reacted on a scale of “big-time jerk- to debbie downer” to when I realized- the book I just finished for one of my grad classes Searching for God Knows What

"this book made me terribly sad" isn't exactly the best endorsement- but I'd recommend reading it anyways

by Donald Miller made me tremendously sad. If any of my Wheaton cronies happen to read this post- I’d especially love to know what you thought/felt about the book if you’ve read it. The book is a wonderfully narrative picture of what a relationship with Jesus could be like and is like for Miller and many other people who follow Jesus.  It challenged the way I think about sharing my faith, the ways I talk about Jesus and how I pray.  But the worst part about this book was how it was like looking in a mirror and being horrified at all the ugliness reflected back at me.

Miller writes about the learning tool that many of us have pondered over in some sort of sociology lesson- “if there are 10 people in a lifeboat with X, Y and Z characteristics and you have to choose one to toss overboard, who would you choose?”  Basically, the question of “who has worth and value in our culture?”  He started to refer to this kind of thinking as being in the lifeboat & elaborated very eloquently & hilariously about the ways we try to find acceptance in other people, manage our images and secure love from others to “not get tossed out of the lifeboat.” The Kevin Smith article was just another reminder of the ways we judge one another & then how bent out of shape/hurt we are when we do this to one another.

Writing about it here in summary sounds trite, but the ideas (or perhaps the Holy Spirit) started to wear on me over the few days I read the book.  All the ways I manage my image- what I wear,

I almost bought this hat the other day- then I was worried people would think I was turning into a pimp. I will probably still buy it and chastise whoever dares to make pimp jokes about it.

what I say or don’t say, what I eat, what I write are all ways that I’m looking for people to in some way fawn all over my fabulousness/smartness/mad skillz. The sickest part of the book was the ways that religious people, in scripture and in culture today (including myself) do this- saying who is in and out, acceptable and not acceptable to God, what belief in Jesus looks like according to certain theologies/political agendas/morality. Pretty soon I/we get so caught up in all of this we forget that following Jesus is learning to love him and become more like him as we experience his friendship.  This was the thing that made me most depressed- to know that there are millions of people, people I love, people I don’t like, people I’ve never met that have a caricature of Jesus that has become so distorted by what I along with other Christians say and do that they don’t even want to experience knowing Jesus themselves.

No wonder I’ve been feeling depressed. However the best part of this book was the reminder that a friendship with Jesus isn’t about a list of what someone says you should or shouldn’t do- it’s the most mysterious, challenging, heart-pounding, thoroughly loving relationship you could ever have. It’s not a formula, it’s not a set of precepts- it’s an invitation to find out who God has created each of us to be and to actually become more human. I know that some people who may read this blog will have the caricature Jesus pop up in their minds after reading this last sentence.  The one you immediately associate with the cruel ways you were treated by people in a church/youth group/someone who claimed to follow Jesus.   They ways you associate Jesus with being demeaned, told you’re wrong, and not being “in the lifeboat.”  All I can say is I’m sorry. I’m so sorry that this was the Jesus you experienced and I’m sorry that I’m part of the problem. I pray that God himself would heal the wounds that I, along with so many others have caused because of my own self-focus.

Even in the midst of being depressed over my own brokenness and all the ways I see it play out in our obsession for affirmation everyday I was reminded of Jesus’ words about image management in the sermon on the mount in Matthew chapter 6.  In the verses before this Jesus is talking about how we don’t need to stress about what we’ll eat or what we’ll wear- that God cares for us and is able to provide for all of our needs- especially our need to be loved, affirmed and valued:

photo by lauren archer

“if God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers—most of which are never even seen—don’t you think he’ll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? What I’m trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God’s giving. People who don’t know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don’t worry about missing out. You’ll find all your everyday human concerns will be met. Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.”

It was a good reminder to me, and hopefully in some small way a reminder to you of God’s care for your life.  I want to be caught up in God-reality rather than image management. I’m praying that my caricatures of Jesus will fade away and that and you & I, blog lurkers and blog readers will see the beauty, mystery and love found in getting to know Jesus for who he actually is.


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Categories : books, fashion, grad school, inner world, jesus, spirituality

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